Asexuality and arousal

[Ormond]

I’m asexual, and just exploring my first ever romantic relationship with a girl, who is also basically asexual. I also thought I was aromantic, so I have never been in a romantic relationship before or kissed anyone before, but now I’ve realised I’m demiromantic. Me and this girl have been kissing and cuddling, which I have enjoyed, but it has made me sexually aroused, which I am uncomfortable with, both because of my asexuality and because I’m trans (afab). How do I avoid becoming sexually aroused while making out with her?

[Heather]

Welcome, Ormond. I'm sorry to hear that something you're enjoying is also creating discomfort for you.

Alas, your body responding to feelings of sexual desire in the ways bodies are often wont to do just really aren't things you (or anyone) can have much control over in terms of prevention. The most anyone can usually really do when they don't want to feel that way is to avoid situations or things that tend to result in sexual arousal for them.

Turning oneself off after getting turned on is something you have more control over. I'd say most people tend to do by either just waiting it out, or by thinking about things -- or in such a way -- that turns them off or just focusing on something else that isn't sexual for them, and/or that doesn't create physical arousal responses.

Since controlling your body's responses from the front isn't something you can do much about, assuming you want to keep kissing and cuddling, would you like to talk about what makes you feel uncomfortable about that and things you may be able to do to instead become more comfortable, which is something you're going to have a lot more control over?

[Ormond]

The specific thing that makes me uncomfortable is getting wet - is there anything I can do to avoid that or hide it? It makes me uncomfortable because I’m specifically a sex-repulsed asexual - I just find the whole idea of it gross. I’m happy with that and don’t want to change that, I just want to be able to do something I would count as romantic, not sexual, without my body making me uncomfortable

[Heather]

Again, I'm afraid you just can't control your body in this way in terms of preventing a response like this. In terms of hiding it, I'm not sure what you're envisioning there, since ultimately, if you're not sharing it with someone else by telling them, showing them or having them engage with those body parts directly, they won't know. Perhaps obviously, you can't hide it from yourself.

What you *can*possibly do is change some of your thinking on this and see if that helps? For example, your body responding to what you only experience as romantic in ways you consider sexual...well, that's actually pretty arbitrary. This is something that comes up when we talk about bodies responding certain ways when someone is being sexually abused: it's not sex for someone being victimized, and how the body is behaving doesn't actually change that. Bodies don't really categorize these things, you know? It wouldn't be instant, but if you tried shifting your thinking with this -- in that you're not doing sexual things if they're not sexual for you, no matter how your body responds, because you get to decide that -- over time, it might make this less uncomfortable.

How do you feel about exploring that kind of avenue with this?

[Ormond]

That’s a really helpful way of thinking about it, thankyou so much! Also, I just came across this site and wanted to say how brilliantly I think it is - particularly with how inclusive and wide ranging it is!

[Siân]

I'm so glad you've found us and it's helpful to you! Thanks for the compliment <3

Is there anything more you wanted to ask us just now? We're all ears.

[Ormond]

I think I’m good for now, but I know where to come back to if I have any more questions!