Scarleteen

Please help us out, because I am very distraught about the sexual situation with my girlfriend. She says that the ONLY way she has ever been able to climax is through vaginal penetration (with a penis and not a toy). But that mine simply isn't large enough to do it for her.

My understanding is that with many/most women, they climax more through clitoral stimulation. But she swears that her clit is very insensitive, and stimulating it does little to nothing for her. We/she has tried several toys, but she complains that toys are cold and lifeless and simply not as good as the real thing. The thing that shocks me most is that she tells me she has NEVER climaxed even once in her life by herself, despite the fact that she has some toys and does masturbate occasionally. She swears the only way she has ever climaxed was with an ex, who had a big penis, through vaginal penetration alone (and that it also must be hard and fast and for a long duration to get there).

I'm exasperated because I've really tried, and really want to please her. I really love this girl and she claims to love me, but I can't really accept a situation where she can never climax. She had even told me she did a few times with me, only to later say that she lied to make me feel better and actually never has, which made me feel even worse. Is this a hopeless situation that I should simply give up on, or is there any way she can learn to adjust her body/mind to climax in a different way?

Hi wantingtoplease,

It sounds like you're feeling a lot of pressure right now. You're right, many people find clitoral stimulation more satisfying than entry, but that doesn't mean that it's what EVERYONE with a vulva is into so if your girlfriend is telling you it isn't her thing she's the best placed to know that!

So, let's take a moment and try and look at this from a new angle. My first question is when you take orgasm out of the equation, are you both able to enjoy the process? For a lot of people orgasm is a slippery thing, and focusing too hard on it just makes it vanish over the horizon. When you're having sex, is it about climax, or is it about intimacy and pleasure?

It sounds to me like this is becoming a stressor for both of you. Maybe it's time to give yourselves an opportunity to reset by changing the focus of the things you do together? You can even take a break from some activities to focus on enjoying other things for a while. Take a look at this too: With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body What do you think?

I want to also add something here, which is that if and when you two are done with a little breather (I think that's a good idea, too) and want to get back to sex again, fingers and hands can generally do exactly what a penis can, and you can easily adapt for a wanted size or depth with them. They're also far more able to get really targeted with this kind of sex (being used on the vulva and inside the vagina) than a penis.

Toys are another option that would probably result in the kinds of sensations she enjoys in this regard, even if they haven't been before. It may just be that she has to experiment some more with different kinds of toys and different ways of using them (for instance, they don't have to be cold: you can warm up a toy). But it sounds like the way she thinks about toys -- as cold and lifeless -- may be a barrier to that.

One other thing I'd like to add is that it might help to think about what you want here. You say you can't accept a relationship where she doesn't orgasm with you. What makes her orgasm feel so important to you? Is it because that tells you she's satisfied? Because that's something you like and need to feel sexually satisfied yourself? Because you feel like this lack thereof is creating relationship problems? Whatever it is -- and probably it's more than one thing -- if you can put your finger on it, it'll probably help you out in figuring out what you need and want most here, and then what ways you may or may not be able to get those wants and needs met. (It also may help you identify the source of any tough feelings you undoubtedly have around this -- perhaps things like feeling a hit to your body image or sexual self-esteem, or feelings of rejection, just as possible examples -- which is also helpful.) Make sense?

Thank you for the responses. Yes, she does seem to enjoy the sex anyway (and of course I do), and has said as much (although when she got a bit tipsy lately her comments were that it is "good, but not excellent").

But if you want to get down to the real reason that this is such an issue for me, is because the ex I mentioned in the OP (the only person she says has ever been able to actually bring her to orgasm) is someone she still seems unable to let go of emotionally. I can see the profound effect he had on her, and deep down I feel inadequate because despite us having a really nice and loving relationship otherwise, I cannot seem to inspire quite the same devotion in her specifically for this reason. She said it gave him a 'power' over her, and since she has said she cannot even bring herself to orgasm, I can understand why that would be.

At the very least, shouldn't a woman be able to bring herself to orgasm somehow? I do find it odd that she says she can't do it. And of course I am willing to do anything and everything in my power to help her get there, but of course I can't grow my penis bigger.

Hi wantingtoplease,

I'm glad to hear that the two of you are enjoying being sexual together, because it's a sign that this is more about working some kinks out and less about the two of you simply not enjoying being sexual with each other (although I think the suggestion to take a bit of a break is a sound one)

It makes sense that the way she's talking about her ex is making you feel self-conscious about this issue, since she seems to have built him up to you (and to herself) as being the only person that can ever make her orgasm. I would argue that being able to bring someone to orgasm, while it can certainly unleash some serious feelings for some folks, doesn't give that person some sort of power over them (if it did, a lot more people would build shrines to their sex toys) or mean they can never orgasm from anything else. Without talking to her, I can't know why she hasn't been able to orgasm from masturbation, but it sounds a bit like she's focused on recreating the specific sensation of being with her ex, rather than on exploring different ways to bring herself pleasure. Or maybe she's tried different ways of masturbating and just hasn't found one that feels good to her. If you haven't already done so, how would you feel about bringing up the options Heather and Sian mentioned (focusing more on manual sex, maybe introducing a toy, etc) with her and framing it as the two if you exploring new ways to find sexual pleasure together? Too, do you get the sense that she's specifically frustrated with not orgasming, either from being with you or on her own?

You mention that she seems to be unable to let go of her ex emotionally. Can you tell me a bit about what that looks like?

Whooo boy, that's certainly tough. I'm so sorry you're dealing with that. That sounds like a really challenging spot to be in, and no kidding, it all makes you feel inadequate and otherwise crummy.

I'm on board with all the things Sam said and asked about. I'm also wondering if you and she have ever talked about you feeling like she's still hung up on her ex, sexually and otherwise? Honestly and very openly, much like the way you are starting to here? If so, how has that gone? Have you been able to ask for limits and boundaries with it, like asking her not to keep talking about her sex life with her ex or draw comparisons (which is honestly just poor sexual form for anyone -- it's one thing to talk about exes and our sex life with them, it's something else to wax so poetic and hold them up as ideals like this to a current)?

If you haven't talked with her about this, how do you feel about taking that step? It sounds past due to me, if it hasn't happened yet, and pretty essential at this point. Even just holding onto all these feelings unexpressed to her (like letting her know the way she's talking has the result of making you feel shitty about yourself) has got to feel pretty awful.

I do also want to answer one fact-based question in there, because it matters:

At the very least, shouldn't a woman be able to bring herself to orgasm somehow?

No. I mean, it's great when people -- of any gender -- can, and, in time, it is, indeed, something most people learn to do for themselves. But it's not some kind of requirement -- like anyone HAS to, or something is the matter with them, or they're not doing something they are supposed to be able to do. Some people just don't want to, and they get to have that preference. Getting ourselves off or not isn't a should, or it sure shouldn't be: it's supposed to be fully optional, certainly including how, when and if we seek and express sexual pleasure for ourselves, by ourselves.

Some people -- and more often women than men, mostly because of institutionalized sexism and misogyny and their impact on women's sexualities, like making masturbation more unacceptable than is usually done for/about boys and men -- can't, or have a really hard time getting themselves off. Some people (often especially women under 40) are still learning; some turn out to need decades to learn.

I don't think any of this is really about if she can get herself off or not, and it's sounding like even in the way that can present challenges in her sex life with you or others (and sure, it can: it's often trickier to learn how to be sexual with someone in that spot) it's a side issue to much greater things. But I did just want to make sure I filled you in a little on that, and hopefully can also make clear why any of us setting this up as somethings women (or anyone else) "should" have to know isn't great.

If you haven't already done so, how would you feel about bringing up the options Heather and Sian mentioned (focusing more on manual sex, maybe introducing a toy, etc) with her and framing it as the two if you exploring new ways to find sexual pleasure together?

I will try that... I do think maybe we can work on her changing her negative attitude toward toys... since we have used them some and she does seem to respond to them in a positive way. She just doesn't believe she can orgasm that way. I'm really hoping it's a mental block and not a physical one.

You mention that she seems to be unable to let go of her ex emotionally. Can you tell me a bit about what that looks like?

I'm on board with all the things Sam said and asked about. I'm also wondering if you and she have ever talked about you feeling like she's still hung up on her ex, sexually and otherwise? Honestly and very openly, much like the way you are starting to here? If so, how has that gone? Have you been able to ask for limits and boundaries with it, like asking her not to keep talking about her sex life with her ex or draw comparisons (which is honestly just poor sexual form for anyone -- it's one thing to talk about exes and our sex life with them, it's something else to wax so poetic and hold them up as ideals like this to a current)?

If you haven't talked with her about this, how do you feel about taking that step? It sounds past due to me, if it hasn't happened yet, and pretty essential at this point. Even just holding onto all these feelings unexpressed to her (like letting her know the way she's talking has the result of making you feel shitty about yourself) has got to feel pretty awful.

She is still in contact with him (via text/Facebook), which is something I'm not really comfortable with and have told her as much. Yes, we've had several discussions about this issue. She says he's her friend, and while I know some people are able to remain friends with exes, it's not something I'm too keen on because she clearly is still harboring some of those feelings for him. (for reference, I've been with her for over a year now)

When I've brought it up, her response is that "he's far away" (he is in the military and was stationed in a different state) and saying "I'm with you now. He's just a friend and he knows I'm with you now, but I still care about his well-being." (for example, at one point he expressed to her that he had suicidal thoughts, and it's understandable that you wouldn't want someone you cared for to do that). We are old enough to both have pasts (I'm 32 and she's 28, and also I'm divorced), so in some ways I understand, but I also don't keep up this level of communication with any of my exes. There was also a time where one of mine contacted me and I talked to her a bit (which I immediately told my girlfriend about, in the interest of being open about it). This woman literally has cancer, which had returned after treatments, so yeah I was concerned about her well-being too.

But telling her about that communication, she used it as fodder for saying "well it's hypocritical that you can talk to your ex, but you don't want me to talk to mine". But that was a single conversation that was literally about a life/death issue. I haven't hung on to any ex emotionally the way that she has with this guy (including my ex-wife, who I truly did love but am completely done with and over), and I feel that they aren't remotely the same thing.

So yeah, that's the situation that I'm dealing with and although it makes me feel crappy, I don't want to give up either. I love her and I want to "win", but can't help feel deep down that I'm fighting a losing battle, and that the primary reason is purely a physical one that I can't do anything about.

WhenI read this:

When I've brought it up, her response is that "he's far away" (he is in the military and was stationed in a different state) and saying "I'm with you now."

What I heard there, based on how YOU have been feeling, is:

But he doesn't feel far away, he feels right in our bed, and I often DON'T feel like you're with me now instead of him because you still feel very attached.

Does that resonate with you?

Unfortunately, yes.

Again, I'm sorry. That sucks, and is very much not a fun way to feel.

But I think that's perhaps the right route with these conversations. Talk about how you feel, and then you can -- hopefully -- talk together about the things that are making you feel that way. You know it's not just about that she has a friendship with an ex. It's a) the way she's behaving about him and not allowing you healthy separation from him and their relationship in yours with her (like by positioning sex with him as THE only way to have sex or that would work for her with you) and b) the place she's giving him (like Supreme Power of Her Sexual Pleasure! I mean, FFS). You can talk about how she can perhaps have a friendship with him that doesn't leave you feeling like what's actually happening is that you're a third wheel in their sexual (and perhaps otherwise intimate) relationship. Get what I mean?

If so, how does that sound to you as a next step? (I go to problem-solving fast, so if that's not your speed, and you want to talk about how you feel about this some more, feel free to tell me to put the brakes on with possible solutions or steps.)