Why are people obsessed with intercourse?

[Herstory]

All my ciswomen friends always talk about how great intercourse is. I just don't get it. Even my LBT women friends tell me it's the greatest thing and they say I just haven't "found the right man" or that men are "doing it wrong". I know for a fact that's not true because I have been having intercourse for years and have had over 20 different cis male sexual partners who I had intercourse with and it never felt great for me, including men I've had lasting, healthy relationships with. My lack of liking intercourse was the reason why I had so many partners. I was forcing myself to like it because I felt that was the only way I could have my sex be validated, but it never ever did it for me. And I joined an LGBT group in the hopes to escape the superiority of intercourse and thought the way that I had sex would be validated more, but it turns out they think the same way as everyone else. Even some of my lesbian friends tell me that it's great and I just don't get it. I only have one friend who feels the same way as me and she makes me feel validated, but everyone else just makes me feel like I'm abnormal. And I don't understand what the obsession is or why they value it way more than other forms of sex. It boggles my mind, especially when they say they can't achieve orgasm through it. Am I missing something? Is something wrong with me? Are they right? Have I just not found the "right man"?

[Heather]

I think the better question might be, "Why do people feel like they have to act like they're obsessed with intercourse?"

I say that because we know, from the study of sex over the last 50 years or so expressly around this activity, that way more people talk like it's the best thing in the world than people who actually experience it that way. In other words, we know that quite a lot of people -- and when we're talking about people with vulvas, more people than not -- aren't all that into it, aren't that into it much of the time, or that it just isn't their favorite thing.

Nothing is wrong with you that it's not your fave thing or that you aren't into it at all. For sure, like any other sexual activity, how good it feels isn't just physical, it's also about our individual preferences, and, sure, how people go about doing a thing (and in the case of intercourse, that very much includes people doing OTHER things at the same time, like also providing direct clitoral stimulation, something some people take for granted as part of intercourse, but others don't include or think about when they talk about it). But look, at a certain level of experience, a person has undoubtedly tried a thing enough and with enough variants to know if they do or don't like it on the whole. Sure, maybe sometime in life that will change, but the same hold true for people who DO like intercourse a lot right now: later in life, they might not.

I really do think, though, the question here is about why the people you're talking to feel such a need to talk this thing up to you, especially if you've been clear it just isn't your thing. personally, that'd be what I was asking them the next time it happened, like by saying something like, "You know, I told you it's just not my thing. Why do you feel the need to dismiss that as a boundary and try and sell this so hard to me?" I'd probably also make clear that they ARE being coercive and weird in pushing an activity on you you have said you don't like, honestly, because that's a pretty messed-up thing to do, you know?

But ultimately, I think you can probably figure why so many people feel the need to endlessly talk this up: intercourse is the literal center of heteronormativity, and even queer people aren't magically immune to that (as those offensive "haven't found the right man," comments make so sadly clear). That's a part of why some people enjoy it in the first place -- including because it validates things about them, their sexuality, their sexual dynamics, and their identity, that they like validated -- but it also can create some conflicts for queer folks who like it, for obvious reasons, and that can be a reason for queer people to feel like they have to prove why it's okay/enjoyable to do. A lot of people also feel the need to try and talk something into being great for them that actually isn't. And some people don't feel able to be the person you're being who stands out from the crowd: quite a lot of people will say they like sexual things in a way they don't to fit in or to hide out. The list goes on and on.

But I think ultimately, I would be trying to figure out why your friends are acting like this, because honestly, it sounds pretty crummy to me, and like it's understandably making you feel very uncomfortable. I'd suggest you focus on doing what you can do to set limits and get them to stop this, or, if they still don't respond, just figuring they have some issues and you're best saving conversations about sex for the people in your circles who don't act this way, right?

[PishPosh997]

This is my opinion, but I think that the people who are obsessed with intercourse are more vocal about it. I don’t blame them, because our society seems to praise and validate those who love intercourse. I don’t think it’s right for them to push that view on others, because some vaginas might experience intercourse differently. I don’t think it’s all that either.

I am finding a lot of people who do like oral more, but that’s only because I have asked them individually or have been in anonymous forums. In a private and one-on-one scenario, people might be more honest about what they like.

In social settings offline, I don’t hear people saying this. There may be people who feel like us, but don’t bring it up. Even I myself don’t want to discuss this with a group of friends. I feel more comfortable talking about it with an intimate partner, or an anonymous community.