can I be horny, but not physically aroused yet?

[PishPosh997]

Hello!

I don’t know how to explain this! I was trying to tell someone that I need a lot of time to get aroused for intercourse. What I mean is wet enough and relaxed. Lube helps, but I still need to be “ready” for intercourse.

I have a high sex drive and think about sex a lot. This person in my life thought that being horny meant that you were ready to get penetrated. That’s not the case with me? I will think about sex all day, but will not be wet enough on the spot.

Does that make sense? Is this normal? That your mind is ready for sex but your body needs time? I also have ptsd/chronic anxiety. I wonder if stuff like that makes a difference.


P.S. my doctors say I have nothing medically wrong with me down there. Thanks!

[al]

Hi there hellocupcake, and welcome to Scarleteen!

What you're describing is actually pretty common! There is definitely a difference between thinking about/desiring sex and being physically aroused - otherwise, like you said, a lot of young people would be walking around hot and bothered all day. The person you were talking to might use that definition to describe "being horny", but for most people, there are more than a few things that need to happen in the process of thinking about sex, feeling aroused, and feeling relaxed and lubricated enough to have any kind of intercourse.
You might find reading With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy For Every Body really helpful, as it talks about how many factors actually go into that process.

As for your question about ptsd and anxiety, they can play a big role in how someone experiences arousal or very little. It depends on what types of things prompt anxiety or trauma-induced emotional responses, and whether those come up in thinking about or engaging in sexual activities. If you read the piece, you'll see that a whole lot of a person's experience of sexual activity is grounded in how a person is feeling mentally and emotionally, so folks who have a history of emotional distress or trauma (especially if it had to do with sexual or bodily violation) might have more complex patterns of desire and arousal than someone who doesn't.

Do you feel like you have access to the right resources and support about your ptsd and anxiety?

[PishPosh997]

Thank you so much the reply! I am happy to hear that being physically aroused and being horny isn’t the same thing. I didn’t like it when the person in my life assumed that not being aroused meant not being sexual. It was frustrating for me to explain. I am sexual, but I can’t rush my body.

I have gotten a lot of help for ptsd/anxiety. Still, I know my body well enough where I need time for Piv sex. My mind and heart have to be into it. There were times where I had sex without PIV (like oral). I am fine with all of that. I can still feel sexually fulfilled without Piv.


I will read the link you gave me.

[Alice O]

Hey Hellocupcake,

Totally! There are so many types of pleasurable and fulfilling sex, not just penis-in-vagina intercourse. I am glad you are listening to your heart and body and do what feels right and feels good! I am glad that you know that you can't rush your body--that is a super important lesson that can take some of us awhile to learn.

Do you have any other questions, about this subject or anything else?

[PishPosh997]

Yes, I do! Is it against the rules to go off topic?

Do you allow pms?

[PishPosh997]

Yes, I do! Is it against the rules to go off topic?

Do you allow pms? I can explain more later. I have multiple questions.

[Sam W]

Hi Hellocupcake,

Nope, you're allowed to ask about multiple things in one thread! What are you wondering about PMS?
EDIT: Are you asking about sending a PM? That's not really something we do. Is there something you want to discuss that you're not comfortable asking on the boards?

[PishPosh997]

Oops, sorry for the double text! I asked about pm’s because I was worried about confusing people. I worry a lot about being misunderstood. This might be long:

I wanted to ask if it’s weird to save penis-in-vagina intercourse for more serious relationships? Giving/receiving oral sex has always been much easier for me during no-strings attached encounters. When some friends and former therapists ask about sex, they have asked why I didn’t do PIV. It’s complicated to explain for me.I don’t like being told that my sex activity doesn’t count. All I know is that PIV is way more fun with a certain type of man (like a serious boyfriend). That doesn’t mean that I can’t enjoy other types of sex with maybe a FWB.

I keep obsessing if there’s anyone like this?

My current therapist and I agree that my sexual trauma didn’t impact me that much sexually. She said that maybe I am wired to think oral is more fun. Even my medical doctor said that “some women need more time for PIV.”



This is hard to discuss bc I feel odd. It’s hard to put things in words.

Thanks for reading!

[Sam W]

No worries, I just wanted to make sure I was asking the right questions

It's not at all strange to be only want to do certain sexual things in the context of certain relationships (and heck, even if it were strange, you get to feel how you feel). And it sounds like, from your own experience, you find vaginal sex more enjoyable in the context of a more committed or long-term relationship. There could be lots of reasons for that, from finding that you enjoy oral sex a lot and want to do it with lots of partners (though calling you "wired" that way may be a bit of stretch) to feeling like vaginal sex requires a bit more vulnerability than you're comfortable giving with casual partners. Do you feel like it's important to you to parse out those reasons? Do you want to try vaginal sex with a casual partner? Or are you actually quite content with how things are?

[PishPosh997]

No worries, I just wanted to make sure I was asking the right questions

It's not at all strange to be only want to do certain sexual things in the context of certain relationships (and heck, even if it were strange, you get to feel how you feel). And it sounds like, from your own experience, you find vaginal sex more enjoyable in the context of a more committed or long-term relationship. There could be lots of reasons for that, from finding that you enjoy oral sex a lot and want to do it with lots of partners (though calling you "wired" that way may be a bit of stretch) to feeling like vaginal sex requires a bit more vulnerability than you're comfortable giving with casual partners. Do you feel like it's important to you to parse out those reasons? Do you want to try vaginal sex with a casual partner? Or are you actually quite content with how things are?

This is a wonderful reply! I think you’re spot on.

Vaginal sex does require vulnerability for me. Giving oral sex (for me) leads me to feeling in control. I am in a serious relationship now where Piv is fun and easy. So, I have no interest in doing PIV with a casual partner as of now. I still ruminate on how things were for me in the past.


One more thing to add is that my family and ethnic culture made a big fuss over getting pregnant before marriage. That was a concern of mine, even when using birth control options. My other friends, who easily had Piv during casual sex, didn’t come from strict families.

Thanks for being kind. I hope I don’t offend anyone with my thoughts.

It’s a lot to think about, but hard to put in words.

[Sam W]

You're welcome! And I'm glad to hear you're in a relationship right now where vaginal sex is something fun.

The way our families or cultures talk about sex, and the way they frame potential consequences of sex, can definitely influence how we feel about those activities. So it sounds like you may have spotted one of the things that influences how you feel about vaginal intercourse in different situations (and a possible reason why your friends may not share those feelings). You're right that all those thoughts, feelings, messages can be hard to put into words. But you're thinking about and talking about those messages and ideas even though it's tricky, which is awesome! Is there other stuff you'd like to talk about right now?

[PishPosh997]

Absolutely! I never saw myself as having sexual shame-I do feel that maybe Piv can be really special and emotional for some people.

My last question is if it’s okay for me to think that oral sex is still sex and not less than PIV? When I say I had sex, it can mean a lot of things. A part of me feels guilty though, because I don’t want to be wrong. That has been an awkward conversation with others too. Trying to explain why I think oral sex and anal sex is still sex. I don’t think someone is less sexual or has issues if they like one act more?


Thanks!

[Heather]

Of course it is okay! Especially since oral sex IS sex when -- like PIV, or anal sex, or making out, or any number of things -- it's something people are doing together to actively express or explore their sexual desires and sexualities. That's what "sex" is. What it is specifically for people is going to vary, however, since not everyone can do all the things, wants to do all the things, or finds doing all the things that *can* be sex are all sexual for them.

It might help to remember that PIV isn't even an *option* for a whole lot of couples or individuals, so considering that the only sex often comes from a place that is heterosexist as well as ableist. Even if you weren't having the experiences you were, suggesting that PIV is the only sex and so many other kinds of sex people engage in isn't, or are lesser, would be super-problematic.

You shouldn't have to explain any of this to anyone, btw. You should be able to say what sex is for you and just have that accepted and respected.

[PishPosh997]

Of course it is okay! Especially since oral sex IS sex when -- like PIV, or anal sex, or making out, or any number of things -- it's something people are doing together to actively express or explore their sexual desires and sexualities. That's what "sex" is. What it is specifically for people is going to vary, however, since not everyone can do all the things, wants to do all the things, or finds doing all the things that *can* be sex are all sexual for them.

It might help to remember that PIV isn't even an *option* for a whole lot of couples or individuals, so considering that the only sex often comes from a place that is heterosexist as well as ableist. Even if you weren't having the experiences you were, suggesting that PIV is the only sex and so many other kinds of sex people engage in isn't, or are lesser, would be super-problematic.

You shouldn't have to explain any of this to anyone, btw. You should be able to say what sex is for you and just have that accepted and respected.

Thank you so much! This has all been helpful.

I think I am all set. I will look into this thread again, if I need a reminder.

[Heather]

You know where to find us!

[PishPosh997]

Hello,

I made a post on another board here about CSA. I am nervous.

It’s hard to talk about pain during Piv, because it elicited silly responses from a former therapist and this friend of mine (who I discussed in my CSA thread).

For some reason, I get extremely IRKED when someone suggests I have vaginsimus. That seems to be the go to response from people online. I hate being told this, because it reminds me of my friend criticizing me sexually.

Multiple doctors examined me and told me that I don’t have vaginsimus or any other medical concerns. I agree with them. The fact that I can have successful PIV under the right circumstances tells a lot, imho.

[Heather]

We got you.