Can You Delude Yourself Into Thinking You're Not Straight?

[Beatlesfan06]

Hi there. I’m a female in my mid-20s, and having grown up very conservatively with not much of a sex education, I am finding your website very helpful. What’s been bothering me (for five years now) is my sexuality. I realize a label is not always important, but I don’t want to be present myself a way I’m not, or be disingenuous about who I really am. Apologies if this is long, but I want to be very clear about why I think I might be bisexual, or asexual and biromantic, and why I also doubt this or feel like I'm faking it.

I know I like guys; I’ve had a few crushes on boys over the years. I’ve never wanted to kiss anyone (and I do think I might be asexual), but I'm not against trying it, and would like to have a life partner. Growing up, I never knew anyone could be anything other than straight. I knew that if I wanted a life companion, it would have to be a male (so I was taught). However, even in high school I remember thinking, “I guess that’s fine, but why does it have to be a guy? Why not a girl?” To me, the person’s sex didn’t (and still doesn’t) matter. If I want a companion/partner, I just want the person to be my best friend, and ideally attractive. I don’t care if they’re a male or female.

When I was 19 or 20 some old classmates informed me another former classmate was now dating another woman. I had never met anyone like that before or even thought about it, but I instantly thought, “Huh. That sounds nice.” Frankly it sounded like a relief, to be able to date a woman and not a man. I realize this may mean I’m just bi-curious or openminded, or feel pressured to date. But then when I was 21, my therapist, upon learning I didn’t want to kiss the man I thought I had a crush on and hearing me gush about my close female friend, asked if I was gay. I don’t believe I am (I don’t want sex with anyone), and told her that. But I told her I would be very open to living with a that friend (if our lifestyles were more alike). That was when I discovered asexuality, which gave me so much relief.

But I still wondered if I could be lesbian, or at least bisexual. I looked up that old classmate and her girlfriend, daydreamed about cuddling with a girl, touching her body, dancing with her. I’ve almost never daydreamed about touching a guy’s body like that, and certainly not with such enthusiasm. I still would very much like to have a relationship with a girl, but I haven’t had a relationship with anybody thus far in my life.

What really makes me question everything is what happened when I traveled overseas when I was 23 and met this lovely woman. She’s married to a man, but I felt so drawn to her, maybe because she’s naturally pretty, slim, just beautiful, has a great personality, is very kind and selfless. She’s just gorgeous, and she did a couple things (touched my hair in a teasing way and I thought I was going to stop breathing; hugged me and didn’t let go) that made me realize that, one, I’m super touch starved, and two, I really want her to touch me more. Not sexually, but just more. I wanted to get to know her, spend time with her, know everything about her. I wanted to be her confidant, her best friend, her most important person. I daydreamed about spending my life with her. Over the past three years my feelings have cooled a bit, but not much. The last time I saw her in person, a few months ago, I longed to touch her, hold her hand, hold her. It was insane. I know if she wasn’t married I would try to start a relationship with her.

So, this seems to be a crush. But—here are my doubts: if I really am bi(sexual or romantic), wouldn’t I have known it before someone suggested it? The fact that my therapist had to suggest that I might be not straight for me to even consider the idea, makes me wonder if I’m just making this all up. And maybe I’m just touch starved and not attracted to females in any way?

Also, I don’t find very many girls attractive (compared to men). Sometimes I find myself trying to find attractive girls when I'm out, just to prove I might not be straight. But I know have found several girls attractive, without thinking, and there may have been one or two instances in my past where I felt possessive about a female friend, but I’m not sure that means anything. I don’t seem to have a past history of crushes on other women.

But I also have father issues, so maybe I’m just afraid of guys? But I do like them. I wonder too if I’m just trying to be special, unique, cool. Or maybe this girl is an “exception” and I’m just straight? I have to be honest, limiting my options like that is not appealing at all. Whatever I feel for her is so strong, I would love to feel it for another woman who is available.

I’ve tried to let this go and not worry about it, but I would love to try a relationship with a girl and I don’t want to say I’m bi when I’m really not. So it would be helpful to me to know, but then maybe I can’t know until I’ve had more dating experience? And I’m not big into dating in the first place. I guess I want to know if someone can just make up that they’re not straight, and brainwash themselves into believing it, because they want to be “special.” Is that possible?

Any thoughts? Thanks!

[Sam W]

Hi Beatlesfan06,

It sounds like this is taking up a lot of mental space for you, so let's see if we can untangle some of what's going on.

To start with your main question, it's really hard for people to convince themselves they're not straight out of thin air. The idea that they can comes from anti-LGBT talking points, which try to paint any non-straight identity as something people are making up or doing to feel "special." Too, you mention your doubts because it took your therapist suggesting the idea of you not being straight for things to click. But you know, when you grow up in a very conservative culture, or when you just haven't had a lot of room to explore the sexual orientations that are out there, it can sometimes take an outside source giving you information to make it all come together. Does that make sense?

And, from your own descriptions of your experiences, the feelings that led to you questioning your identity make a lot of sense; you experience some form of attraction to women, no or little attraction to men, and no to little sexual attraction. All those things point to some kind of queer identity. Do you think you'd feel more comfortable referring to yourself as "questioning" right now? Or as queer, since that label captures a huge range of experiences?

Too, when you mention you want to start dating, is your fear that you might mislead someone by not having your own orientation fully figured out?

[Beatlesfan06]

Hi there,

Thanks for the answer! I really appreciate you taking the time to respond. I should clarify that I do feel attraction (at least aesthetic) to men--there are plenty of men I see and say, "Wow, he's pretty/handsome/good looking." Sorry if I wasn't clear on that.

What you say makes complete sense. I've wondered about that myself--that I just never had any concept or thought of same-sex relationships, so that I literally never thought they were a possibility. I guess I just have a hard time giving myself the benefit of the doubt here. I've never really heard of anyone else having this experience; most queer people seem to just know, somehow, at least that they feel things for the same sex. I never thought I did. Because I always thought I was straight, and so many queer people seem to "know" so early that they're different, I keep doubting that what I feel is really real.

Yes, my fear about misleading someone very much has to do with orientation--I don't want to date a girl, tell her I'm bi, and later realize I'm not and hurt her. Frankly, this also has to do with people knowing me in general. I really want to understand myself, and I'd hate to say, "I'm bi," and a few years later say, "Never mind." I realize that's completely fine and sexuality is fluid, but that would open the door for people to say, "I told you so," and I don't like the idea that other people know me better than I know myself. Also, like I said, I really don't want to just be straight...why limit myself?

I do think what really trips me up again and again is that, as I mentioned before, I'm not, at first glance, attracted to as many women as men. I see all these bi/lesbian women talking about how they find so many women attractive, and I think, "Well, I thought that woman I saw last week was attractive..." Being bi isn't 50/50, I know that too, it's just hard when I would really, really like to date a woman and try a relationship with one (possibly more than with a man), but aesthetically I can find five men attractive and only one woman. Does that make sense?

I met a nice girl a few years ago who is also asexual, but I just didn't feel attracted to her in any way. She's nice, but I didn't want to touch her or spend a lot of time with her, you know? We had things in common, and I felt like it should work, but it didn't. I felt like I was forcing the relationship. That really made me wonder--shouldn't I find her attractive if I'm bi?

Thanks for your help and being willing to talk!

[Sam W]

You're welcome! And thank you for clarifying that, I somehow missed that detail when reading your first post.

You know, while there are certainly lots of queer people who know their sexual orientation from a young age, there are also plenty of us who don't realize that's what's going on until later in our lives. For instance, I didn't realize it until I was in my mid-twenties, and there are lots of people who don't realize until even later than that.

When it comes to dating, I think it's really thoughtful that you're concerned about accidentally hurting the other person. One thing that might help to remember is that relationships end due to people changing their minds or realizing big things about themselves all the time. And not just things like sexual orientation; things like having or not having kids, big life goals, religious beliefs, or core values can all change as people move through life, and all those changes could lead to the end of the relationship. When you're putting yourself out there to date, you're operating with the information you have about yourself at the time. If that information changes over time, you weren't misleading anyone; that's just how life often goes.

I hear you on feeling weird about that imbalance in your attraction to men versus your attraction to women. I think part of why you see bi women in particular talking a LOT about their attraction to women (and, in my experience, nonbinary folks as well) and very little (if at all) about attraction to men is that a lot of bi women feel pressure to "prove" they're not "just straight." Something it helps to remember is that once you're experience attraction to multiple genders, there's no ratio of attraction to one versus attraction to another you have to meet to "count" as bi.

Similarly, being bi doesn't mean you'll be attracted to every person of every gender you meet. Attraction is a weird, variable, and incredibly personal thing. That's why we can not really "click" with people who we think we should, you know?

[Beatlesfan06]

That all makes so much sense. I tend to forget that relationships can end for a variety of reasons! Thanks for reminding me. Attraction is definitely a strange thing, yes. I just need to be honest with people. I like the term "queer" but I know a lot of people aren't comfortable with it. "Questioning" is very true, but it feels too unsure for me...then again, I hate to say I'm queer if I'm really straight!

What made me wonder about all this was that I fell in love with the woman overseas about a year after I started questioning my sexuality. Part of me wonders if my brain didn't just latch onto those nice feelings and say, "Look! Evidence! You must be queer!" But, I also know that I did not at all expect to even like her, and then I way more than liked her. I wasn't expecting anything related to sexuality to happen on that trip at all.

Thanks again for the reassurance! I realize no one can tell me for sure, but do you think, based on what I've written, that I might not be only straight?

[Beatlesfan06]

Also, is it normal to feel really excited about dating a woman? I mean, dating a man I'm attracted to sounds nice, but dating a woman I'm attracted to sounds...much more exciting. Is this just because I've realized I don't have to only date men?

It's strange--to me, it's almost like I'm more aesthetically attracted to men, but more romantically/sensually attracted to women. Yet I have felt deep emotional feelings for men, too. Does that make sense?

[Sam W]

Yep, all those things you're saying about attraction make a lot of sense! Because, attraction is such varied and personal thing that it often looks much "messier" than most of us think.

And from what you've written here, I do think you're experiences line up with some form of queer identity. For instance, feeling really excited to date a women isn't a common experience for straight people, but it certainly happens to lots of queer ones! So, I don't think you'd be misleading anyone by saying you're queer (or whatever label you find feels right to you). I know there's been some pushback to queer as a term, but honestly it's a label that resonates with a lot of people, and if feels like the one you most connect with right now, then you get to use it to describe yourself.

[Beatlesfan06]

Thank you so much, Sam, for providing your thoughts and helping me out! It's so reassuring to hear positive feedback from others after being so unsure for so long. I do like the term queer...might stick with it for now. Then of course there's the "am I asexual" question, but I'm less concerned about that right now.

Thanks again!

[Sam W]

You're so very welcome, and I'm so glad talking through things here was helpful! If you have other questions you want to explore in the future, you know where to find us!