I don't feel good even when I try to masturbate.I don't think I'm asexual though

[AStranger]

Everytime I try to masturbate,I either feel nothing or what I sometimes fear is faked pleasure.
I know about the g-spot,clitoris and such...But I don't tend to get much out of it!
I still feel sexual attraction though,it's only that when it goes down to business my body doesn't seem to cooperate>:(
OBSERVATION: Something I have thought of as an inhibitor,is that I was sexually assaulted when I was a kid (Don't worry,my parents are aware of it and support me).

[Sam W]

Hi AStranger,

Can you tell me a little more about, when you do feel pleasure, why you fear it's faked? And, when you masturbate, do you feel like your brain is involved in it as well as your body (for instance, are you fantasizing about things)?

Surviving a sexual assault is definitely something that can influence a person's sexual experiences, including masturbation, later on. So, it may very well be a factor in what you're experiencing. I'm glad to hear you've been able to tel your parents about what happened, and that you have support at home. You deserve to be listened to and believed. Have you looked into additional forms of support, such as counseling or groups?

[AStranger]

Hello, thank you for responding:)

WELL...It has a bit to do with some things I've been learning at my therapy; the thing is, I lie to myself a lot,and end up not knowing which of my feelings are real and which of them are just "adaptions".So I fear that the pleasure I feel could be just a way of me trying to fit in and say "hey, I feel pleasure when I masturbate"..
I......Don't really know how to answer:s I do have fantasies,but when I try to stimulate my body, it doesn't necessarily feel satisfying..I feels more like my brain processes it as "at this moment, I'm feeling that something is touching my genitals",but not a lot of emotional respose:0

Yeah:(..I talked about this with my therapist,but she said that she thinks it's more of a matter of...rearranging things that have been messed with in my head....Though I'm not sure if therapy can make you start feeling pleasure again shshahaha

Thank you,I'm happy I was able to tell them eventually:)Also, I'm grateful for your support,I definitely do feel believed and listened to!And no,I haven't!I mean,I do have my therapy time,but I'm not sure if that's what you meant shshs

[Sam W]

You're welcome! Thanks for that additional information, it's very helpful.

I'm glad you're working with a therapist who you're comfortable talking about these issues with, and it sounds like she's someone who has some experience working with survivors. It's not that therapy can make you feel pleasure necessarily, but more that it can, as your therapist said, help you address some of the deeper issues that can make pleasure harder to access. After all, pleasure is as much about our brains as it is about our bodies. In fact, I think this article may have some suggestions of things you could try to help reconnect with your desire and pleasure: How to Approach Sexual Fantasy and Desire on Your Own Terms.

Have you told your therapist specifically that you when you do experience pleasure during masturbation, you tend to doubt that it's real? I ask because feeling pleasure during masturbation doesn't strike me as a behavior you developed to protect yourself or adapt to trauma; it's more that it's one of several likely outcomes of masturbating.

[AStranger]

:DD and no problem,I'm glad it's helpful.

Yeeessss.Therapy is the best time of the week ahahshsh.That makes quite a lot of sense,in the way you're putting it:0Thank you for the article,I'll definitely check it!!

I don't remember, but it doesn't hurt to ask!Ah,yes, pleasure during masturbation is natural; I don't know if what I feel during those times is pleasure:0 and if it reminds me of it, it's more like an adaptation as in...Am I "feeling pleasure" because I imagine myself engaging with another person in the future,and I don't want to upset them? Sorry,I don't know if I made this clear,exactly...
Thanks for the patience in answering me during this time:0 If you ever feel like you've had enough,you can tell me

[Sam W]

You're welcome, I'm glad our answers are helping!

Okay, if part of what you're experiencing when you try masturbating is based on imagining a future interaction and trying to feel or express pleasure so as not to disappoint them, then I can see how that would leave you unsure as to what you're actually feeling. Do you tend to fantasize about scenarios or people you're aroused by when you masturbate?

I wonder, do you have a pretty good grasp of what pleasure feels like in your brain and body in other parts of your life? For instance, when we eat a food we really like, or take a bath, or do any number of other things, it can generate pleasure. And while that may not feel exactly like sexual pleasure, being familiar with the cues our bodies give can help us identify when we ARE enjoying ourselves during sex or masturbation.

[AStranger]

Hello! I'm sorry for the late reply ( ･ั﹏･ั)

Yeah, a lot of confusing feelings revolve around something that is supposed to be simple, and fun>:"0... I do!Actually, I fantasize a lot..ahshsh

Hmm,that is a very nice tip!I think I know what pleasure feels like...At least, when I eat good food or smell a good fragrance it feels very good:0
Though, when you suggested that, now I am thinking if I really know what pleasure could feel like in masturbation or sex...hmmm

[Jacob]

Hi Astranger,

It sounds like this is a very rewarding thing to be exploring, and I think it's really good that you're open to different possibilities. I'm especially glad that article Sam shared was helpful: similar advice has been really helpful to me too!

I actually have some similar experiences of doubting my thoughts and feelings after surviving (a different form of) abuse. Questioning my own feelings and thoughts in therapy has been, while very important and helpful to me, also the catalyst for spiralling doubts that were quite overwhelming and really upsetting, until I found a way though it.

I noticed you were careful in your phrasing of your answer about enjoying eating food so, even though my stuff wasn't around masturbation, I wonder if you're experiencing something similar to my self-doubt at that time?

Would it be helpful for you if I wrote down for you what the self-doubt was like?

I'm completely happy to do that, if knowing that another person went through something similar, and seeing similarities in our process would be helpful!

[AStranger]

Heyo,Jacob:)

Yeahhh..I used to feel a lot of shame and guilt for having sexual thoughts when I was young,but I guess it's time to change that permanently:0 Yes,Sam is nice !I'm happy for you eee::dd

I guess abuse in general just makes us really...Messy inside.I enter a lot of spirals sometimes, while thinking about myself.
AA I WANT TO FIND A WAY THROUGH IT AS WELL!I figured therapy for me will probably take a lot of time,so I guess the best way to accompany it is patience（ ; ; ）...

Hmmmm...I'm not sure! Self doubt in what way?

It would, but I hope you don't do it if it makes you uncomfortable or if it triggers you:"0

Oh hfhfbfbfh if you really don't have any problem with it, I'll accept..Thank you for helping me!

[Jacob]

Patience can be a good thing! So can saying "I am doing well, and it's ok for me to take a long time".

I am happy to share, no problem. I can't 100% remember what I was going to reply when I initially offered, but I'll do my best here:

So. I have definitely had the experience of doubting my own thoughts, and feelings, in a similar way as it sounds you're doubting a lot of your physical sensations and your feelings around them.

I've thought
"Ok, so I think I am anxious, but what if I'm lying to myself and it's made up?"
which is followed by "But, then maybe I'm just avoiding dealing with the real issue by calling my brain a liar,
which is part of my trauma",
which is followed by "But then maybe again I'm just pretending I have a problem to get the attention from a therapist"

You can see how a spiral like that can go on forever, and the rest of that information is actually just a bunch of noise which could have just been replaced with "I feel anxious". I couldn't prove it to myself.

I think it's very common in lots of abusive situations to remove ourselves own feelings or opinions from the situation. If it's been safer to learn to ignore our feelings we can find it really hard to recognise them later on in life. We can also find ourselves having to think a lot. Instead of just feeling scared, we might be thinking about a strategy for an unsafe situation. Instead of just having pleasure, things that could have been fun are only fun as a display telling the other person what they want to hear.

I think it took me some time to realise I couldn't prove feelings, explain feelings or solve feelings through thinking. I just had to have them, and that was really hard. I had to let go of the layers of questioning I wanted to do, and it was a little scary.

I think pleasure is one of those things that we can describe as 'subjective' meaning that it's something that belongs to us as individuals, we are the subject, it's not 'objective' - like a proveable fact about an object or the world.

A charity marathon runner could be half way though a race, their legs in pain, unable to smile, their body aching and at the end say "I love runing marathons and raising money for charity!" - The loved it, because loving it is how they decided to describe the whole experience, and what it means to them and their beliefs.

So...if it's only you in the room, I wonder if "enjoying the experience of faking your enjoyment of mastrubation" is actually that different from just "enjoying masturbation"!

Does that connect with you much?

[AStranger]

Yeahh, I hope I can develop this ability more...ahshd,I'll try saying that to myself!ᕦ(ò_ó )

Thank you!and sorry;-;

Wow,this explains a big part of the conversations I have in my head.
A buncha' times I thought "what if I'm just pretending to feel sad so I can tell my therapist later etc etc etc??What if I'm just doing this for the attention?"

Oh.AHSHAHSHAHAHHA,I guess saying "I am anxious" would shorten that process by a mile..

Yes,this is exactly how I used to deal/am dealing with my emotions!Since I was used to keeping things in,not only I have problems opening up and demonstrating what I feel to my psychologist,but it's also hard to tell what I'm feeling a lot of times.
Yes,what you're saying describes it really well....I am almost opening myself too much here SHSHA,but yeah,that is the way I currently function!

Oh my god,why are you describing my whole situation,sir?!It's been very present in my sessions,the whole "I want to know why I do/feel x and then provide exact measures to fix it".
How do you just.....Feel??When I try to let myself feel something negative,I always end up questioning my emotions and ending up a mess...Sometimes I try to tell myself it'll be okay,but I end up crying because I'm sad,then I'll wonder why..

Makes sense!So I guess only I can tell what is pleasing what I find pleasing myself..?‪‪(; 'ᯅ')

That's a good example,and cute too:)

HOLY CRAPOLA,I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT IT THAT WAY..HMMMMMM
I'm thinking about that,sir!
I guess............Maybe????I couldn't really reach a conclusion:( But I think maybe what you said stands true for at least one part...Hmm
By the way,I'm sorry if I'm very complicated (´°̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥ω°̥̥̥̥̥̥̥̥｀)

[Alexa]

Hey AStranger,

I can definitely identify with this process:

It's been very present in my sessions,the whole "I want to know why I do/feel x and then provide exact measures to fix it".
How do you just.....Feel??

It's something I've confronted in myself many times. I always want a list of steps, or a book to read that will tell me exactly how to "fix" my feelings. An important lesson that I'm trying really hard to learn is that feelings don't have to be fixed -- sometimes you can just let yourself feel them. If you want a learning process, you can listen to what the experience of feeling them tells you. I try to do these quick check-ins with myself a couple of times a day:

• - How do I feel right now?
  - Why do I feel that way?
  - What do I need right now?

Notice that none of that is quite "how do I fix this," but rather, "how do I cope in the moment?"

Do you think something like that could help you reflect?

For what it's worth, being able to check in on my feelings in this way also REALLY helps me in terms of allowing myself to explore and feel pleasure. I get in those exact same stress loops (am I doing this right? does it feel good? will I orgasm?) when trying to masturbate, and it can make it really hard to enjoy. Training myself to get out of those loops eventually trickles down to helping me learn about my own pleasure!

[Jacob]

I'm saying similar stuff to Alexa - there's some great advice.

No appologies needed for being complicated! Well done for being your own complicated self! I'm so glad you conneccted with it all, and that it sounds like it can help you engage in therapy too.

One thing, though: I'm not a sir! You can call me Jacob. Jacob is fine.

I think part of this is to actually ignoring "Is this feeling real?" when the thought appears, and pivoting to "Whatever. This fake-real-not-fake feeling is the one I'm having. I'm going to decide to take a leap of faith and call it mine"

Something I've found useful is to move my attention to the physical sensations.

When I start asking stuff like this:

"Am I feeling guilty because somebody frowned at me? Is this guilt? Or is it because I'm awful and somehow they saw it?"...

I (try to) transition to something like this, moving through as slowly as possible:

"Never mind that, what's my body doing?
---> After that frown, my stomach hurts.
---> My head feels dizzy, like I need to lie down.
---> Ok I'll lie down.
---> My poor belly.
---> I'm going to just listen to music
---> I think it's feeling better now.
---> I still feel a little crap, but calmer
---> How are my feet? ...Cold, I'll put on socks
---> I need to go make lunch.
----> Mmmm Lunch."

In mindfulness meditation, giving attention each part of your body is called a body-scan. Something you might want to research!

The pleasure version of that process could be something like:

"Is this pleasure real? Am I just rehearsing a fake response?
---- > Oh no, I'm doing that thing again
----> Right. Forget those questions.
----> How about I think about my body:
---> O.K., What do my hands feel like? ---> they feel O.K.
----> Can I feel my heart beating?
---> What is my breathing like?
---> Oh it's heavy!
---> What about my genitals? ----> ....*censored*....
----> What images is my brain enjoying right now?
----> ....*censored*...."

I think it takes practice, but you'll notice that the original question never gets answered, because we recognised that it was an unhelpful question. For you in that situation, those other questions are much more helpful!

I haven't listened to the whole 13+ minutes of this audio example so appologies if she starts shouting in the middle, but hopefully not! I don't think you need to do it exactly like this but it might give you some ideas:

Compassionate Body Scan by Dr. Karen Bluth

Our own staffer Al also did this great write up a little while back which includes a sort-of-poem for connecting with your body: Sexuality in color: Radical Embodiment

[AStranger]

Hello Alexa:)

Oh shoot!I hope you have been able to manage it..
Aaaaaah me too..I always tried to find for the exact "answer" in other things.There was a period where I took prescribed meds,but they didn't work so I thought I should take stronger ones.My therapist then basically told me that wasn't going to fix any o my problems,which then made me sad.hdhdh
Yes,my therapist tells me that all feelings are natural,even the ones we normally deem to be "wrong".It's just when they become bigger than they should be in our lives that it becomes harmful.
Hmm,that's a useful tip:D! I think I'm going to take that little third question hehe,since sometimes I don't always know how to answer both previous ones.

Hm!That is nice.
Yes,I think it helps:) Especially since I already have my go-to activities for when I'm not feeling particularly well:0

Are you suggesting that I stop stressing about my feelings and simply feel? I think I can do that....Thank you for responding, I will definitely try these things out!

[AStranger]

It really isss,hehe:DD

Eeee..I am not in great terms with being complicated,but one day I'll manage to!And thankies!Honestly, I can't wait to get back to therapy in real life.

Ok,Jacob ᕦ(ò_ó )!

That's an interesting take>:0 maybe I really should challenge my doubt.Also,I laughed at the "fake-real-not-fake" ahsdhshdh

Ooooh,noted:00
That's very useful, Jacob! Strangely enough, seeing your example, being so attentive to how the body feels and doing things to make yourself more comfortable makes me kind of....Emotional? I really should take more care of myself ahahs

OOOHHHH I DID TRY MEDITATING SOME TIME AGO! Is it where you pay attention to what's going on externally,as in something like,"I can feel the cold air entering my nose,and coming out hotter from my mouth"?(was that a weird example._.)
I am going to search about it on YouTube!

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA,I loved this example!I think I feel a bit more fine with feeling now.

Yeahhh,I guess the other questions are a lot more....Answer-able,not to say less paranoia-inducing

Hhehee, if she shouts in the middle then you owe me new ears! Thank you for the suggestion,I'll give it a go.

Ello!I just read the article,and I thought it was pretty heartwarming.I think I figured out that I'm a teeny-weeny out of touch with my body as well..Welp, guess that practicing a bit of connection with myself is too much,eh?Thanks for sending me the not-a-poem-kinda-prose-but-still-poetic article hehee

[Jacob]

I'm so happy this was all so helpful!

Practising connection with yourself is definitely a great idea... if it does feel 'too much' then you can always slow down, or stop and come back to it another day.

[AStranger]

It really was, I am deeply grateful for you,Sam and Alexa hearing me out!

Okay!I'm going to keep trying.Thanks for all the help Jacob!Goodbye:(