Scarleteen

I know I've definitely had that experience. I was reading through some pieces on the site today that reminded me of how often we enter into relationships with a very unrealistic idea of how those relationships (this happens most often when we're young, but it definitely happens to plenty of adults). I was reminded of how, when I first started dating as a teenager, I assume that being in a relationship meant you wouldn't be attracted to anyone else (and if you were that was a sign that something was wrong). Now I understand that crushes and attraction to people besides your partner happen often in relationships and there's nothing wrong with that. It's simply part of how attraction works for many people. I wish I'd figured that out sooner, because it would have saved teenage-me a lot of stress.

How about y'all? Have you experienced any relationship expectations that turned out to be way off base?

Just recently I had a friend (whose 19 and starting their first relationship) ask me if it was a bad sign that he still thought people other than their partner were attractive. Seems like a common misconception.

For me, it was believing that it was necessary to spend most-to-all of my time with my partner for the relationship to work. Way off base. Three years in on a long distance relationship, this has clearly been proven wrong.

When I first started dating in my early teens, I was so sure that having a relationship would solve my self-esteem issues. I didn't feel great about myself, but I figured that if I knew someone else liked me, I could also feel better about myself. Of course, that didn't work! It did feel good to know other people like me but that knowledge didn't negate my negative self-image. I really did think a relationship would "fix" things in my life, and learned pretty quickly that that just wasn't going to be the case.

I used to think I'd be able to "fix" or "make better" people just by being in a relationship with them. It was probably from a place of naiveté more than anything, assuming I could just make years of trauma or intense emotions built up over months simply go away

For many years (and even still this is something I have to struggle with) I saw being in a romantic relationship as the ultimate goal, and assumed that reaching that goal would solve all of life's problems. I think this comes specifically from being raised as a woman, where we are taught that our value and happiness comes from our ability to find a mate. I've learned that a long-term romantic relationship is not the key to happiness, that they aren't for everyone, and that there are many ways to fill the spaces in your life that you think a relationship will fill.

I used to have a list of "deal-breakers" for dating. If a guy did anything on the list, I promised myself I would not date him. On one hand, the list was sensible, but at the same time it was very black-and-white and left no room for a situation in which I might change my worldview.
My SO and I grew up in very different cultures, with differing beliefs in many areas. While I was first dating him, he would participate in one of the things on my "deal breaker" list, and it really disturbed me. I felt like there could only be two outcomes: either he quit the thing he was participating in, or our relationship would fail. I felt like my "deal breaker" list was some kind of safety net--and if I changed my mind about the standards I had on it, I'd be failing myself.
I eventually came to realize that my understanding of the world had evolved since I made that list, years ago. I realized that I could, in fact, change my mind about what was and was not a "deal breaker." I decided that I trusted my SO. I have learned that it's okay to let go of black-and-white thinking, and that I don't need my SO to live like I do, for me to feel safe.

This is such a good topic.

I think one thing I have changed is that after some really rough break ups, I decided that I wanted to only have relationships which felt like they would end amicably if they did end.

I still think that's a good thing to aim for but realistically speaking, in real life, things get messy. People's reactions aren't predictable and I don't think it's unhealthy to break up, and if one or both of us is angry or I feel so upset I can't keep contact, it's not something that it is fair for me to try to control, it's more something that I have to accept and work on.

Wow, reading through these responses is proving strangely cathartic. I'm realizing I'm not the only one who pursued things with unrealistic expectations. I've been beating myself up a bit for it recently - but knowing others feel or have felt similar ways makes me feel less alone.

I think my biggest expectation was that becoming physically intimate with someone - particularly through intercourse - meant that I was in a relationship with them after the fact. Like it meant that they would commit to me or something just because we did that. I have since learned that is clearly not the case.

But I can really relate to other things already said here - such as a long-term relationship being the end goal for happiness, trying to "fix" others through the prospect of a relationship, and actually also the notion of having attraction to someone outside your relationship means something is wrong.