My gay best friend has feelings for me. But not consistent. He's so confused about his sexuality. I want to help him.

[Randomly_random]

I'm a 20yr female.
My gay best friend (20yr male) came out to me that he was gay 3 years back. (we've known each other for 5 years) he said that he knew he was gay ever since he was 6 years old.
Ever since he's always spoken to me about his guy interests.
He confessed to me about being gay because I had feelings for him and I told it to him.
I always listened to him talk about guys although he broke my heart coz he trusted me and I was the first person he came out to.
I wanted to be there for him.
It was difficult for me to talk to him with all the feelings I had. But I tried. I never spoke about having feelings for him again.
We speak about practically everything. We complement each other so well.
Few months back he told me that he has feelings for me and that all the gay feelings he had might have been just a confusion.
He told me that he always liked guys but had a few insignificant girl crushes. And the only girl to come close to how he felt for guys was me.
I asked him if he was just scared to be gay and was settling for me. He said no.
Both of us have never been in any form of relationships before. (not even kissing or anything physical or romantic)
So we started going out. It was great we spoke a lot more and we out and met each other often.
But there was nothing physical... Not even hugging or holding hands. I really wanted to but I was too shy to initiate.
When I told him that I feel defecits... He told me that he's emotionally attracted to me a lot but cannot see me that way sexually. He wants the relationship to grow and for us to settle. But he's unsure of whether he can give me that kind of love.
Hes so confused with how he feels. It's taking a toll on both of our feelings.
He says that he likes me a lottt but nothing physical.
Is this because I'm expecting him to be physical too soon and pressuring him (5 months of dating) or is he just confusing his feelings towards me as a friend.
Will his feelings towards me change?
Should I wait and help him through or let go and not get hurt?
He says that he likes me lot for the person I am. He's admires for accepting him for who he is. But he doesn't feel any romance.
But on my side... There is romance.. Not very consistent but feelings of romance from his side are there. But not like how I feel for him.
He told me this as well "
It's not like I keep thinking about you and feeling nice all the time. I don't have butterflies in my stomach when I think about you. I don't get suuuuuuuper excited when you text. It's like a normal best friend thing." but he does like me.
Is this because he's figuring who he is actually so he's all confused.? Should we go and survive through this or end it before we damage each other.

[Sam W]

Hi Randomly_Random,

This sounds like a really stressful situation for both of you, and I'm sorry you're dealing with it. One thing I want to point out is that, while he may be questioning his sexuality, it doesn't sound like he's all that confused in terms of how he feels about you; the emotions he describes towards you are those of a close friend, rather than a romantic partner. That's because how he feels about you and what his sexual orientation is are actually two separate questions. For example, if someone is attracted to men they still won't be attracted to every man they meet. So even if your friend is attracted to women, that's no guarantee that he'd be attracted to you. Does that make sense?

It's great that you want to help him figure out his identity, but ultimately neither you nor I (nor anybody else) can figure that out for him. The only person who can figure out how he identifies in terms of his sexual orientation is him. We have resources about that, and if you'd like some to share them with him we can help you out with that.

Too, it sounds like this relationship isn't giving you what you want or need from a romantic relationship, which is an indicator that breaking up would be the kindest thing you could do for yourself and for him. You both deserve the chance to find partners who do desire you romantically and sexually. How does that idea make you feel?

[Randomly_random]

I understand that his sexual orientation and his feelings towards me are two separate things.
But he himself told me that he's confused with what he's feeling towards me as well.
I am and I've always been emotionally more into this that he is. But I always thought that I was that kind of a person.
And lately a well wisher of mine spoke to him about us without knowing about his confused sexuality and told him that he has to be really sincere with me and serious only if there is a future to this relationship..
We're just 20 year olds who can't think about marriage right now. Anything can change and it's too early to decide.
So I think that the pressure of commitment and his emotional responsibility towards me.. That it's better off for him to just accept it that he will never be able to satisfy me than putting me through this and have me broken. And he feels selfish for having put me through this which I don't think he should.
So what I feel is that the pressure of commitment and his emotional responsibility towards me has made him change all his feelings when they actually haven't. I feel that this may be a possibility. If you could help me out with these thoughts?
He always asked if we could go back to being great friends. I don't think I can because it's difficult for me to. So is he just prolonging this because he's scared to loose me as a friend?
He's always told me that if anyone came to what he feels for a guy it's me. He can visualize physical stuff with me but it's the not to the same as guys. (he told me this sometime before)
But recently again he told me that maybe he can't even hug or hold my hand.
This is what I'm trying to say. That it's so confusing. His thoughts. Both for me and him.
We have not been very touchy as friends as well. Actually not at all.
I just don't want to rush this or pressurize him as he's going through a lot already.
But if there is a chance where we could take this forward and things change for the better (by that I mean both of us are happy) I would definitely want to wait.
Because we feel we're made for each other. We both think the same.
So what do you think.?

[Heather]

Obviously, we're people standing on the outside of this, which can mean it's possibly easier for us to see some things you aren't, but also possibly more difficult for us to see some things you are.

But from where I'm sitting, it looks pretty clearly to me like you two have a very close, emotionally intimate friendship. That's an awesome kind of relationship when you can find it, in my experience: in my life, that's what really best friends are and have been like. Unless you want it to be something else: like a romantic or sexual relationship, which it doesn't seem to be or seem at all likely to become, which probably has an awful lot to do with his orientation (your friend says he's confused, but he sounds pretty clear to me: he's told you he's gay clearly, and seems very clear, and like he has been clear with you, that he doesn't feel attracted to you), but might be about other things as well.

Either way, I would say that no, this doesn't look likely to become anything other than a very intimate friendship. I'm sorry, because it sounds clear you hope it could be something else.

So, if that's the relationship you have now and are going to have, and you don't get to have -- not or later -- anything romantic or sexual with him, how do you feel about that?

[Randomly_random]

It does make me feel bad because I'm heart broken. I would want to be there for him. But I would also need my own time to get myself up and clear.
I do hope things to be different. But if it's at the cost of my friend not being true to himself. Then no. If he's pretty clear about what he is and what he wants then I wouldn't want it. Because it would be hell for the both of us.
So you don't think that this decision of his has anything to do with the fear of commitment or hurting me?
Why am I still not able to accept this is because of this. When he told me that he had feelings for me. I did ask him.
"If you spoke all about men and always had a liking towards then for the last few years that I've known you. How could things change?" I also asked him if he's doing this for the sake of his parents or religious beliefs.
He denied all that.
He also mentioned this "I would be able to give you everything that a man who is straight as a stick could give you"
I've never forced him to do anything.
All this was told by himself.
This is confusing me. Statements like this made by him.
I've come to terms with the fact that he's gay and that the best thing to do is to end this relationship.
But he's not ready to end it yet and he still says I'm confused. And that he needs time.
I want to prepare myself with what is likely to come. But he isn't ready yet and I don't know what to infer from that.

[Heather]

I'm so sorry that this is so painful for you. It really can be when we have feelings for someone, and/or want a certain kind of relationship, that isn't mutual, isn't going to happen, or just isn't right. And I'm sorry for this whole thing: this sounds like something that must have been really emotionally disorienting and dizzying for you.

But if you're asking me, I think, as a presumably heterosexual woman, doing anything else to set yourself up to wait for a gay guy to come around and want to really be in a romantic and sexual relationship with you, once in which he has all those kinds of feelings and desires, is setting yourself up for way more heartbreak than you've already experienced. I'd suggest that however much it hurts now, starting to detach yourself from that hope ASAP is going to spare you (both) a lot more heartbreak in the future.

So you don't think that this decision of his has anything to do with the fear of commitment or hurting me?

I'm not sure what decision you mean, but I can't imagine a fear of hurting your feelings isn't a huge part of all of this for him, period. And you have to know that added on to that will so often be someone gay, lesbian, bisexual or otherwise queer's desire to be straight, just because our world makes it so much easier for straight people. That's especially true in places like India, where there are still so few rights for LGBTQ people, where it's often outrightly dangerous to be out (and thus, dating men might not even feel like an option for him), and where there is still so, so much cultural pressure to be straight and heteronormative and very much not gay.

So, if you're giving him any signal he should try and have feelings for you outside his orientation, know he's already getting those messages from the rest of the world, too. In fact, it sounds like his denial around that stuff is pretty big, and that's usually how it is for people for whom things like family disapproval or religious fear or shame are having a huge impact.

You don't have to wait on him to say no to this or be the one to make a decision. In fact, since he's the one struggling with being gay in this, I'd suggest you consider doing him a kindness and not making him have to be that person. I get this is hard for you, but there's a whole GIANT layer of how it's hard for him that you don't have to deal with. You, too, can be the one to say, "You know what? We clearly are not in a romantic or sexual relationship, and it doesn't look like we will or should be because those feelings for each other, mutually, just aren't there. And even if I'm disappointed about that, I love you, and we love each other, and it's okay. Let's figure out what the RIGHT kind of relationship for us is, which is probably the intimate friendship we've had all along." Or something like that, you know? What do you think of the idea of, instead of leaving it all to hang on him -- which I get you're in part doing because you are hoping for a thing -- you at least think about being active in this way yourself?

If after having that kind of talk and making that kind of decision you also need some breathing room to take care of your feelings, that is totally valid and also a good idea. Most people will want or need some space after something like this.

Why am I still not able to accept this is because of this. When he told me that he had feelings for me. I did ask him.

Well, why do you think? I mean obviously, it can be hard to accept we can't get something big we want emotionally, and it seems to me like that's probably the biggest part of why this is hard for you to accept. Plus, this is basically a breakup for you: breakups are often hard for people to accept if they still want to be in/to have the relationship that's breaking up. But I'd suggest that instead of trying to figure out why you can't accept this, you put your energy into trying to start accepting it anyway, even if you don't get all your feelings. You'll probably start to get more clarity about them once you start doing that emotional work, too.

[Randomly_random]

Hey,
I guess that I'm just in denial. Because he told me he was gay. I accepted him for who he is and constantly supported him. One fine day he says that he's romantisizing about us and that he has feelings for me. 6months later he's denying everything which happened.
Maybe that's how difficult this is for him.
So yes I did decide that the best thing to do is let this go.
I did tell him the same.
But he says he's not ready to have the talk yet.
I don't know as to what is running in his mind.
But I'm going to give him all the time he wants.
Coz there is nothing else I can really do.
I do have this hope that things will change but I can't really run away from the reality.
So I don't believe in miracles. But I guess I know what to do now.
Thank you for helping me understand something which I knew but was scared to deal with

[Heather]

I really don't think I can overstate how much many gay, lesbian, bisexual and otherwise queer people living in unaccepting cultures or communities often want very much not to be any of those things. It's so scary, so hard, and so daunting to feel like you're looking down the road at a whole life where it can feel like you won't get any real acceptance, may be rejected by family and friends, may not be able to have the kinds of relationships you want, and may even be in danger.

I think you did the right thing here, and I also think what you just did was not only best for you, but was a really loving thing to do as his friend. I think he's very lucky to have you in his life.

What do you feel like you need for yourself right now?

[Randomly_random]

A lot of time. I want to be there for him. But I don't think I have the strength to. So I'll have to move away.

[Heather]

You know, it really is okay that you need some space and time. It doesn't make you weak, it doesn't make you a bad person. It just makes you a person who needs to take care of herself for a bit, and get the space to do that, before you can come back to help someone else. That's something a lot of us need to do all the time in ways great and small. It's healthy.

If you're his only lifeline, and the only person he's out to so can get support from in this arena, that would be a problem no matter what, because that is a LOT to ask from just one person. He needs to see what he can do to change that, period -- for both your sakes -- so maybe that's something he will be more inclined to do, or at least consider, when you're taking that time. Either way, I certainly don't think you are leaving him high and dry, if it helps to know that.