Confusion™

[curiouskitten]

Apologies for a lengthy, angsty, and probably rambling post, but I'm in a new relationship and there's a lot I'm trying to process, and I feel like I could use some reassurance on a few things.

Basically, I've always thought of myself as straight - sexually, anyway. I use the term panromantic because I've definitely been mentally/emotionally attracted to pretty much every expression of gender out there at some point. But sexually, I only ever really felt attracted to cis guys. When I met my current partner, I didn't know what gender they were born as or what gender they identified as, and I developed most of my feelings of attraction without that as a factor. We've talked a fair bit about gender and sexuality since, and I now know they were born as a female, and they don't really identify as any gender. We agreed I can use she/her or they/them, but that pronouns aren't a huge deal. I guess I could call myself heteroflexible or something - I still feel like I'm attracted to guys as a gender, but I know now that I have the potential to be attracted to any gender on a case-by-case basis.

My partner is just about everything I've been looking for in someone for years, except for biological gender. I know myself well enough to know all my feelings for them are genuine, and I'm unbelievably happy that they asked me to date them. Honestly, there's so much sexual tension in our flirting and it all feels so natural - more natural than any of the flirting in my other relationship. But since this is the first time I've dated someone who isn't a cis guy, and only my second relationship ever, I feel really, really confused about a lot of things.

I'm still struggling with some major trust issues left over from my other relationship, even though it was years ago. I also have a lot of insecurities that are manifesting in new and nerve-wracking ways with my new partner. One of my biggest insecurities is that I won't give enough affection back to my partner, since I'm not the type to show a lot of emotion. Another thing I'm struggling with is the natural fluctuation of emotion day to day. Whenever I had a crush on a cis guy, I could always dismiss the give-and-take in my emotions and feelings of affection as some other part of my mood, or a natural variation in the state of liking someone. But with my partner, whenever I have a fluctuation of emotion or affection, I start to feel fake, because I'm not used to liking someone who isn't a cis guy. And, like just about everyone in the world, I'm scared of commitment, so I've got a pile of nerves to go with my pile of happiness.

There's a couple of other big things that are making me feel a bit unsure. For one, it's a long distance relationship. I already have some difficulties with intimacy - up until this past year, I didn't like being touched in any way, and I'd even try to avoid hugs from my close friends. No real reason for it that I could find, I just didn't like being physically close with people. But now that I've gotten past a lot of that, and I actually like physical closeness, I don't know how to approach intimacy in a long distance relationship.

The other thing is that my parents don't know about my relationship. I've thought about it a lot, and I think it's best to keep it a secret from them. I spend most of the year away from home, so it's not like I have to sneak around right under their noses, and it's a long distance relationship, so they can't meet my partner in person. I'm not in danger of getting STI's, and of course, there's no way I would end up pregnant. My parents try to be accepting, or at least tolerant, of the LGBTQ+ community, but despite their best intentions, they're still a little stuck in their old conceptions of gender and relationships. And as far as they know, I'm straight as a ruler. So if I did tell them, it would be very stressful and largely useless.

I know I've probably got three or four threads worth of confusion and insecurity here, but even just writing up this post helped me come to terms with some of the things I mentioned. A lot of the things I wrote could be see as negatives or challenges, but I'm truly very happy to be in this relationship, and I think it'll be really good for me emotionally. I'm just very confused™ and needed to talk about everything in a safe space so I can get through it all.

Thanks!

[Siân]

Hi curiouskitten,

I'm so excited for you that you've met someone that you feel you are really compatible with and have a lot of chemistry together with!

I get that when you become interested in someone new, who doesn't identify in the same ways as your previous partners, it can take a while to figure out just what that means for you and your sexuality. Also, from the way you're writing, it sounds like your first two points - consistency of feelings, and approach to intimacy in a LDR - are things that could potentially crop up for you in a similar relationship with anyone, regardless of their gender, does that sound about right?

How about we look at these things one-by-one then:

With your identity and sexuality, it sounds like you've got a pretty good understanding of what you feel and how this new person relates to that - is that right? Is there anything specific you want help thinking about here?

I think I would agree with you on your point about fluctuations in the intensity of feeling we have for someone being a natural variation. I don't think that it makes your feelings less "real" somehow - in fact, it's probably a good thing! Imagine how hard it would be to get anything done ever if those big-crushy feelings were at 100% intensity 24 hours a day... I think the important thing is patterns over time, and whether we still feel an interest and a care for someone in the moments where we're not totally overwhelmed by intense feelings of affection. What do you think? Is there anything in particular about this that worries you?

Working out how to do intimacy in a long distance relationship is a question that all long distance couples have to figure out - although what intimacy looks like for them will vary depending on the people involved. Maybe a good starting point is thinking about what intimacy means for each of you? I really like the list in this article of different ways to feel and express intimacy: Intimacy: The Whys, Hows, How-Nots, and So-Nots. Does anything in there sound good to you?

I think it's up to you how much you want to tell your family about this relationship, and when. If you want to give yourselves time to grow into and explore it before raising it with them then go ahead. We can talk more about the kinds of conversations you might want to have with them when the time comes.

Just to double check - when you say you're not in danger of STIs, is that because of the fact you and your partner aren't physically in the same place to have the kinds of contact that can transmit STIs? If so, of course you're right. If you are ever planning on meeting up and being physical together, we can talk about safer sex for non-cis-het couples

I appreciate that this is a whole pile of info right now! You raised a lot of good points, so rather than deep-dive into all of them (which would be overwhelming for both of us) look at this more as starting points that we can work from. Does that make sense?