Scarleteen

This has been weighing on my thoughts lately. I don't know if I'm being immature or if theres actually good reasoning behind this.

I was making out with my (now ex) boyfriend in his house on his bed. Suddenly he was fully undressed and reaching for a condom. I had let him rub his penis over my clitoris before, so I let him do it again. he didn't ask but it kinda felt like a given, you know? Anyways I tried to push his penis away after a second because I was still wearing all my clothes on top and my shorts were still on my leg and I wanted to get the shorts off and be more comfortable, but he took that as an invitation to enter inside me, which I had previously clearly expressed I didn't want to do. I put my hand on his chest and tried to push him but he just kept going. I didn't know what to do, I felt like I had rocks in my throat and couldn't make words, and I just closed my eyes and waited for it to be over while he said "I love you, you know I love you"

when he finished we had sex again 2 more times that day, after told him I didn't want to, but he only finished the second time, not the third. I went home feeling guilty, sad, and alone because I believed that my parents would call me stupid for letting this happen. After I dumping him 2 months later I still do not know what really happened. I don't know if I overreacted or if im valid in my feelings. I can't talk to anyone in my family because im scared of their judgement. Every time I see his name I panic, and its generally very hard for me to cope with everyday life and relationships because of it. im scared of male students here at college and refuse to walk alone or even leave my dorm sometimes.Im just clueless as to what to do.

Hi silva0, welcome to Scarleteen.

I'm so sorry this has been weighing on you so much, but you aren't overreacting or being immature, here; your ex sexually assaulted you. It's really common for people who've been assaulted to feel guilt over the situation, but none of this was your fault, this was something he chose to do to you. It's not fair and it's not ok, and I'm sorry you're still feeling a lot of pain right now.

How can we best support you right now?

Thank you for replying to me.
Since I posted this I called multiple Assault hotlines and have blocked both my abuser and all of our mutual friends that took his side.
I told my parents what happened, but I did not report to the police because I do not have enough evidence to go after him, unfortunately. I have talked to some other friends about my story though and they have been completely supportive and loving towards me despite my emotions.
This website helped me realize that I just needed to heal in any way I could at the time. And I am healing, slowly but surely by surrounding myself with positivity.
Sure, I still really want to beat him to a pulp, but I know now that im stronger and I absolutely could defend myself against him and his manipulations if I ever run into him while im home from college.

Thank you

I'm so glad you've been able to do these things for yourself! And for sure, healing is pretty much a lifelong process, so it's all usually pretty gradual. But it sounds like you're already starting to feel some of the effects of doing that work for yourself: that's so great.

I am sorry to hear that some of your friends took sides here (as if this is about sides!), but relieved that some of your friends have instead been supportive. I'm also glad you are allowing yourself to feel the anger that you are: while obviously engaging in violence isn't something we should do with those feelings, it is certainly okay -- and also often a part of healing -- to feel and acknowledge them.

Are you going home soon? Is that something you have feelings about?

I went home about a week ago and I was stressed first but then I realized that because I had my friends and family by my side supporting me I did not need to feel nervous because they would have helped me if they saw him trying to socialize with me (we were at our old high school's football game because my younger sister is in the band). There isn't anything he or my old friends can do to me anyways, not without causing a huge scene or having me get law enforcement involved. Most of them have gone down the "wrong path" after graduating, with 2 of them already having been arrested and a majority of the others using illegal substances so I am actually almost thankful about what happened because I would still be associating with them otherwise.

The only thing I feel a little nervous about is my long winter break because my boss told me I could have my job back and they know where I worked but if they show up I know my boss will make sure they do not harass me.

Hey silva0,

I am so inspired by the steps you have taken: to listen to yourself, take care of yourself, be brave enough to reach out for support, and begin the healing process. It's not easy!

And I am so glad that your family, many of your friends, and also your boss have been supportive and/or you know you can count on their support. That is something that everyone deserves, but unfortunately not always receives.

I'm wondering how else we at Scarleteen can support you from here? What would be helpful? Thinking of you!