Scarleteen

Hi! I'm a 20 yr old straight woman who is interested in having a boyfriend, however I've been encountering a specific problem. In the past 9 months there have been three guys in my life who I've been very interested in and who appeared interested in me. They all have been exactly my type (good listeners, kind, athletic, respect my boundaries etc) and I've loved flirting with and hanging out with them. However, in all three cases, just as I think we might start more formally dating, I've discovered somehow that these guys hold political viewpoints that are in complete opposition to mine. I consider myself liberal, a intersectional feminist and pro-choice, while these guys all support Trump and policies and actions of his that I consider racist, sexist and unacceptable. I've discovered their viewpoints both through their social media and through mutual friends after which I pull away, effectively ending the potential relationships. I'm not sure why I keep ending up with these guys (my college, my city and my social circles are over 90% liberal so it is statistically very improbable that this is just by chance). Anyway, this is making me very dejected about the possibility of finding a boyfriend that I like AND whose viewpoints line up with mine, and it's making me wonder if somehow I should give these guys a chance regardless of my discomfort with their politics? (although I never got to know any of them super well they were all so kind, sweet, supportive, wanted to learn all about me, were totally cool with the fact that I don't do hook ups (I know very very few college aged guys who are like this) and seemed to be looking for the same this as me, a fun, caring, honest, monogamous relationship). Thanks!

Hi Katy!

Whether you "give someone a chance" is all about how you feel - would you do it because you felt good? Or because you felt like you should, or you weren't sure but hoped that is might end up feeling good?

Plenty of people have relationships where they don't share exactly the same values or political views - in fact there are probably small things in most relationships where people come to see a particular issue in different lights. This doesn't have to be a dealbreaker, although lots of us seek out people with similar beliefs.

Some things you can think about are: how important are these beliefs to you? Pretty important by the sounds of it! How much do your values differ from this other person's? Do you each have a respect for the other viewpoint even if you don't agree with it? Is a view they express one that seems wrong to you on a really deep, fundamental level? Or a small difference that can be talked out? Are their ideas well reasoned or just what they've heard someone else say and not questioned?

Ultimately, it's up to you what is and isn't a dealbreaker. I would say that it's important that you don't feel threatened by the things they think/say. If you're thinking about things like being pro-choice you might want to ask yourself if you think you'd be supported in the case of an unintended pregnancy - would they have your back?

Honestly, sometimes random patterns don't look it and throw up 3 of an unlikely thing in a row and then no more. I'm sure you'll find someone you're into who has compatible values. You could even get involved in causes for some of the things you're passionate about and see if you can meet some like-minded individuals!

Does this help with your question? Do you have any more thoughts on the topic?

Hi Sian, thanks for your thoughtful response! I don't necessarily see the political differences being an issue in the short term, however it could definitely become a serious issue in the long run. Particularly I believe that friends of mine who are important to me would not be able to accept these guys and would question my judgement in being with them. They would say that I have the privilege to ignore these guys politics (and as a cis, heterosexual, white, middle class, and non-disabled woman I definitely have a lot of privilede) and in a lot of ways they would be right. Way way in the hypothetical future I'm not sure I could co-parent a child with someone whose views on such issues I find so unacceptable. I think a lot of my frustration with this decision comes from the fact that I have a very hard time finding guys my own age who I'm attracted to and who are willing to really get to know me before getting physical. (I meet plenty of guys who seem interested at parties and other events, but almost inevitably their interest wanes when they realize that I am not going to hook up with them in the near future, and in multiple cases move onto other girls within minutes, which I find hurtful, and kind of a confirmation that they are really only interested in my body). For that reason, when I do find guys who seem to want to get to know me I get really excited, and finding these things about their political views is a real letdown.

For me, I think it really depends on what the divergent views are. If someone I'm involved with has different ideas from me on how to, say, best support public schools or tax inherited property, that doesn't necessarily bother me! But when it comes to political issues that are deeply tied to civil rights and the treatment of marginalized populations, personally I have a lot of dealbreakers.
Even if I feel compatible with someone on a surface level or find them attractive, I don't feel like I could truly have a deeper bond with someone who doesn't believe in, for example, increasing abortion access or addressing widespread racism in policing and the prison system; that's just too fundamental of a difference in our beliefs for me to feel comfortable with them.

I do want to add that I feel like 9 months ins't really that long of a time, and that with more time that that -- and maybe looking in some different circles than you have been? -- you probably COULD find guys to date whose views are...well, not fascist, at the very least, which sure seems an awfully low bar. I know that that can feel like a long time, but in the grand scheme of things, especially with dating, I'd personally say it isn't. Not finding anyone you're really feeling who is also on the right side of history yet so does not mean you won't sometime soon.

I'm guessing you're in Minneapolis, from the sounds of things? If so, I wonder if you might have some queer or trans friends or some friends of color who you could ask for possible connections? In other words, do any of your friends who are more likely to have friends or siblings/cousins/co-workers whose politics better align with yours (and not with literal fascism) know anyone they could set you up with?

What about using dating apps? You can be clear in them that you're not looking for hookups AND that you only want to date people who aren't bigots.