Scarleteen

Hi!

I feel awful even writing this out, to be honest. I want to know how to stop feeling this way.

I’ll start at the beginning. I was having trouble masturbating (due to sensory processing issues/sensory overwhelm) so in order to do it I began to imagine my body away and pretend the only part of my body I could feel was my clitoris and inside my vagina. That led to me being unable to move during masturbation—if I moved, I could feel that my body existed and I couldn’t handle that and it would pull me out of the feeling and start me thinking and overthinking.

My need to not feel or move during masturbation started me picturing myself completely paralyzed except for my hand and my vagina and on fantasies where I am paralyzed and I don’t even need to touch myself, I just need to imagine someone touching me in order to masturbate. Now I feel terrible for fetishizing the physically disabled community and I just want to stop and be normal and have a normal approach to masturbation.

I hate fetishizing people and objects to the point where I can’t even masturbate to real people, and the person I always picture is imaginary. So this whole situation makes me feel awful about myself and I also know that what I am doing (fetishizing a disability) is totally wrong and I want to stop.

I feel awful about this and awful about writing it out but I can’t keep refusing to masturbate and I also can’t keep going with this way of masturbating.

Personally, I don't think your sexual fantasy has any impact on members of the disability community (and if it helps, I'm one of those people with physical disability, including occasional paralysis, though obviously, none of us with disability are somehow reps for everyone). What goes on in your ind doesn't fetishize us: after all, we aren't in your mind, and your masturbation has literally zero impact on our lives, you know?

The idea there is a "normal" way to be sexually is busted. There really isn't, because sexuality is super-diverse, including sexual fantasy, which can get REALLY diverse since it isn't limited by reality.

I wonder if you might be able to think about this differently than as fetishizing a disability, which I don't think you're doing. What *I* hear you fantasizing about is immobility, or having your mobility or movement controlled, as well as just isolating one of your own body parts.