Afraid of Sex

[gemmapeach]

I am a 20 year old female, and I’ve had sex a few times with the same person. It was my boyfriend at the time, and I felt extremely comfortable with him and he was very understanding. But even though I was able to “finish”, I didn’t really enjoy the experience. I know I’m attracted to males, and I actually do want to have sex. But when the time comes, I start to get nervous and shut down and I don’t want to anymore. Sex is also extremely painful for me; it took us 3 tries to be able to have sex for the first time because it was so painful. And this was after lots of foreplay and with lubricant. I want to date and have a boyfriend, and I want to eventually have sex again, but I’m afraid to at the same time. Is this normal? What am I doing wrong?

[Jacob]

Hi gemma, welcome to Scarleteen!

I think in situations like these a really important thing to do is to recenter the conversation around your desire and your enjoyment.

It sounds like you were attempting to do something that you weren't enjoying at all, but mention that it felt like 'the had come'. These are the conditions under which your body simply won't be relaxed. When you reach the moment where you feel "I don't want to any more", there isn't actually any reason to continue, but if you do, it make sense that you'd feel tense!

Penis-in-vagina sex is often billed as the most important sex act, or even the only sex act, but when we look at how people have sex we can see that this just isn't true. Plenty of people just don't enjoy it, and for plenty more people it may be something that is only a small part of their sex life. The activities described as 'foreplay' like manual sex or oral sex can just as easily be the main course. Some people find that enjoyable PIV does become an option when it is no longer the central goal, but I think the more important point is that approaching sex this way can make the whole of your sex life more rewarding.

I feel like one way you could address this with new partners is simply talk about it, when you feel ready, and to perhaps state that you want to approach sex as something that starts and only continues under the conditions that it is being enjoyed.

You might recognise some things about your own situation here:
From OW! to WOW! Demystifying Painful Intercourse

Does what I have said feel like it relates?