Concerned about impact of porn

[Lola_May]

I started watching porn for the first time 10 years ago when I was 11 I think. I believe it was to try and understand what sex or intercourse was, however it's a little difficult to remember exactly what was going on in my head. I remember feeling slightly disappointed when I discovered what intercourse was. There was so much hype about sex and I just didn't understand it when I saw it. I did find it a bit of a turn on but still didn't get it which is understandable now because I was only starting puberty.

At some point soon after I started looking at other porn sites which focused more on female submission. I remember there was one about men having sex with women who were pretending to be asleep. This fed into a bit of a rape fantasy which I used to have I think up until my late teens. Before I lost my virginity I also became breifly obsessed with porn which focused on men having sex with virgins.

I realise now that I'm very comfortable with imagining myself as the submissive one when it comes to sex. I also fantasise about sex which largely focuses on male pleasure and sometimes on female/ my own masochism to a mild extent. The problem I have is that I don't enjoy all aspects of this kind of sex in reality, however it's pretty much the only kind of sex I imagine when getting myself off. Most of the sex I enjoy is very affectionate and involves touching, kissing etc.

This all makes me very confused, upset and angry. I feel angry at myself for allowing porn to influence what turns me on and that I decided to seek out porn that focused so heavily on female submission. I'm also confused as to why I did this? I know I've had low self esteem for most of my life so maybe that's what motivated my attraction to it? I'm also upset because I nearly never achieve an orgasm through sex. Even if a guy goes down on me for ages or rubs my clit in the way I would it doesn't do much for me. Sometimes I think penetration brings me close but it hasn't brought me to orgasm. I feel like I let myself and sexual partners down when they try so hard to make me cum and it doesn't get anywhere.

Recently I tried watching porn that focuses more on female pleasure. I don't know if this is a good idea? Would it be better to just never watch porn again? I thought maybe more affectionate and 'realistic' porn might be good to watch to counter the more extreme and degrading things I have watched before. Part of me wonders whether it's possible that what I've been drawn to in porn is just part of what turns me on naturally. It's hard to ignore this possibility with the growing visibility of domination and submission in mainstream literature and media.

I have a lot of guilt about all of this and don't have anyone I would feel comfortable talking about it with. I remember telling one of my friends that I couldn't cum during sex and she said I will get there eventually becaus everyone does. This just made me feel a bit shit. My other close friend is a lesbian so all she enjoys is female pleasure. I know she's freaked out by porn and she's an adamant feminist (as am I) so I think she would struggle to understand my situation. I do have a therapist but I don't think she specialises in anything to do with sex. Maybe it's a good idea to bring it up anyway?

Also I was wondering whether it's possible that my vulva anatomy influences how easy it is to achieve orgasm? When I masturbate it does take quite a long time, like between 15-30 mins. My clitoral hood is quite large and protrudes out of the labia majora. My labia minora are also quite large. I think the majority of women have clitoris that is more tucked in their labia majora and closer to their vagina opening (mine really protrudes quite a lot). Could this have an effect or is this just crazy??

Quite a lot of questions in there. This is the only place I could find online that might give me some answers or push me in some kind of positive direction.

[Siân]

Hi Lola May

Welcome to the boards I'm glad you felt able to come to us with your questions! So let's dive in...

To answer your last question first, the anatomy you're describing sounds totally normal to me. If you're getting an idea of what most vulvas look like from porn, that's about as realistic as thinking the average penis size in porn is the average for the rest of the world -- not at all! Porn tends to select for performers with specific anatomy (small neatly vulvas with tucked away clits and inner lips and super-sized penises) or airbrush it to look that way. 15-30 minutes sounds like a fairly average amount of time to take to orgasm.

As for why you sought out a particular kind of porn when you were younger...I don't really know. It's really hard to say for sure what has influenced our sexual preferences and leads to a fascination with one thing over another. It's worth noting though (as an adamant feminist myself) that there's nothing inherently wrong with liking one kind of porn over another. People are complicated, messy things, and it's not unusual for our fantasy lives to not match up at all with the things we want in reality. You mention a lot of anger and guilty about this - what do you think you feel guilty for?

I also can't tell you whether you should continue to watch porn or not - that's a really personal decision based on what feels right for you. If you're genuinely curious to see what other kinds of porn are out there and how they work for you go for it! If, on the other hand you want to try erotica or your own imagination as a basis for fantasy that's great too.

You've mentioned not orgasming in partnered sex. Do you feel a lot of pressure to orgasm at those times? Are you super focused on it? Unfortunately if you're thinking too hard about orgasm...it's way harder to orgasm! Have you tried getting your own hands/toys involved when you're with a partner? How was it?

We've got a couple of pieces here on porn and sexual media, why not check them out and then come back with your questions and we'll go from there?

Making Sense of Sexual Media
Looking, Lusting and Learning: A Straightforward Look at Pornography

[Lola_May]

Hi Siân,
Thanks for the reply

In regards to the anger and guilt I feel it's down to a number of different reasons. Most of it is because of the nature of the fantasies I have sought out in porn and still think about, often contradict how I think people should treat each other in real life. If for example I hear about a woman being sexualy assaulted it makes me very angry. I have been assaulted to a mild degree myself and have had sexual encounters where my full consent hasn't been given. These encounters have left me feeling used and 'dirty' and even more awful when I realise that I've fantasised about vaguely similar occurrunces.

I feel angry/guilty as well because I'm not completely ignorant of the dangers that are at play for people who work in the porn industry. For example I know that there isn't always a guarantee that everything that is shown is fully consensual or what their circumstances are e.g. are they doing it because they are desperate for money and if so, wouldn't that make it non-consensual to some extent? There's also the concern for STDs for the participants, most of the porn I have seen doesn't involve condom use. Sometimes I had watched porn where the women didn't look like they were enjoying themselves towards the end as well and this would make me feel instantly guilty and sad. That I could be a contributing factor for what could be someone else's exploitation. I've never payed for porn either so there is really no way of knowing where it's coming from. I recently read about the horrifying amount of sex trafficking across the US and how that has a lot of crossovers with young women and men being forced into porn work.

Another reason I feel angry is because I believe I have let myself become absorbed in a out dated male and patriarchal fantasy. I worry that it's kinda impossible to argue that there's a distinction between the sort of fantasies I have discussed and misogyny/objectification of women in the wider world. I believe it's likely that the sort of porn I have watched does stem from a romanticism of sexual assault or at least submission of women in general. I have looked at comments on porn videos on porn websites and they can be very misogynist. I guess I don't feel like I fit in anywhere with my moral values being in direct contradiction to what turns me on.

Oh and another thing that has really got to me recently is that I can't tell my mum. I like to talk to her about a lot of things, especially when it's something that worries me. However I know she would be extremely upset if I told her about the porn I have watched especially at such a young age. She already blames herself if I have a mental health issue... she'll tell me about how she should have done things differently in some way as a parent. So the knowledge that my mum would be devestated by all of this is like an extra weight to deal with. It feels like a big dirty secret.

During sex I am sometimes worried about achieving orgasm and at other times I'm not. Mostly I'm not and I have fun. I largely accept I'm not going to achieve an orgasm when I have sex. I have used my hands during sex and this is the only way I have ever achieved an orgasm during sex with a partner. Those few times I found the only way to get an orgasm was to also imagine myself in a more submissive situation. This in itself would also make me feel a bit sad after. I know from the way my partner's have spoken during sex that they're able to be more in the moment and cum by being turned on by the sex we are having. I've never been able to do that but I'd really like to. I don't want my head to be in a different fantasy world to achieve an orgasm with a partner. I have just got a vibrator but don't currently have a sex partner. I would like to try using it during sex. I will try to have the confidence to bring that suggestion up next time I'm in a sexual relationship.

Also I read the articles you attached to the response. They are very useful thanks!! I wish I had found this a resource sooner

[Siân]

You've clearly done a lot of thinking on this, and you make some good points.

I get how confusing and morally ambiguous it can be to be turned on by something you are opposed to in real life. I also hold that fantasies are about our feelings and not our actions - and only our actions impact the world in ways that are good or bad. To me, being passionate about egalitarian relationships and enthusiastic consent - and acting to advance them - doesn't have to be intrinsically opposed to the fantasies you describe. It's our actions that make the distinction between what we think when we're alone and whether we break down or reinforce misogyny in the world.

That said, there are many schools of thought within feminism on submission and BDSM into our sexuality. Some say that it's a way of safely processing and making sense of living in a scary world, or that loaning someone else your power for a while can be a relief - a release. Others dislike replicating oppressive power structures in their sexuality (which maybe echoes some of your concerns, although often this is in reference to doing these things more than thinking about them). All of these are valid and it's really up to you what you end up deciding. Maybe go and read a few different opinions from authors/sources you like and see if it helps you process?

When it comes to actions, then, you have rightly picked out one way that you can act on your fantasies in a way that impacts the world. There are elements of the porn industry which are deeply exploitative, and in consuming that material we are in a small way perpetuating that. One way to counteract that is to be an ethical consumer - there is also plenty of ethical/feminist porn out there too, (including kink that shows the process of communication, negotiating a scene and agreeing boundaries in the final film!) but it is generally paid for directly by the consumer - great if you want to support the people doing things right, not so great if you're broke. Erotica and fantasy provide a space where fantasy is also generally safe as noone is having to act out those desires. If you are concerned about wider impacts, maybe think about what (if any) sexual media you want to support and consume?

Whatever conclusions you come to, now sounds like a great time to explore what else you're into too! You don't need a sexual partner for that - in fact masturbation is probably the best place to start. Maybe take some time where you're not fantasising, but rather exploring different sensations and what they feel like in your body? Being in the moment in sex is like a muscle you can strengthen - practice noticing how things feel alone and, some time, with a partner - not just when you're having sex but in other physical intimacy too. Maybe explore some other kinds of fantasy too?

You mention not talking about this with your mum. As we grow older, one of the things we start to find is that it's natural to have some things we don't share with everyone - it's good to learn some boundaries and to give eachother a bit of privacy in families. I don't think you're keeping a dirty secret - I think you're being an adult. I'm glad you are able to talk about most of your worries with her.

I'm going to give you a few more links, to go along with any research you decide to do for yourself:
10 of the Best Things You Can Do for Your Sexual Self (at Any Age)
BDSM fantasy: will it limit my sex life?
Is something wrong with me because I like BDSM? Can I like it and still be a feminist?

Does any of that resonate with you?

PS I'm glad you've found us too!

[Lola_May]

Thank you so much! This definitely helps me to make sense of things a bit more. I hadn't really thought about erotica as a real alternative to porn before even though it is basically the original version of porn. The links are very helpful too!

[Siân]

You're very welcome! Is there anything else you wanted to ask/talk about just now?