sex after assault

[dana]

I will try to be as non-graphic as possible in this post. Sorry if it's long, or inappropriate. I really don't know where else to go. I have no one to talk to about this.

I'm 19 years old, survivor of sexual assault. It happened when I was a young teen and since then I have dated, but most of those relationships remained nonsexual due to trauma on both sides, as well as general teen/lesbian awkwardness. The only really fully sexual relationship I've had was a short-lived one early this year, and I'm still trying to process what happened with me and why it went wrong.

The girl I was seeing was much more experienced than me but very sweet and generally respectful of my boundaries. I felt somewhat pressured to have sex, but I'm certain that it was unintentional and if I had discussed it with her she would have been apologetic and changed her behavior. During sex, I was not aroused, unable to relax, often uncomfortable, and extremely anxious and self conscious. I repeatedly felt myself in the middle of the act wishing it would just end already. I said nothing about this. My partner tried to stay in tune with me and check in, asking if I was alright- each time I said yes. Asking if I felt good- each time I said yes. I was not alright. I did not feel good. Sometimes I would be so anxious I felt dizzy and my face and hands would go numb. Once I got out of bed afterwards to find that I was shaking like a leaf. My partner was attentive, understanding, and wanted to make sure I was comfortable and felt safe. All of this could have been solved if I had communicated with her, but I couldn't. It was like it was unfathomably scary for me to say no, far scarier even than just enduring the act. Nearer to the end of the relationship I managed to make myself have small victories. I would tap her back if I wanted her to stop what she was doing, and sometimes say "not there" but I couldn't bring myself to fully tell her no or to stop. Once, I refused sex (which she was, of course, perfectly gracious about), but only after staying up worrying about it for half the night.

I feel horribly guilty about the way I treated these issues- I lied and obscured them as much as possible, and I don't know why. I almost feel like it wasn't even me doing these things, like it was some other person in my body who took over my voice. I would practice saying no in my head, but when the time came I just instinctively said yes. I think I just had so much fear, I can't even pinpoint exactly what I was afraid of, but I couldn't allow myself to be honest. I'm scared of this happening again in other relationships and don't know how to prevent it. Before this, I didn't know that I had issues around sex, and I didn't think it would be hard for me. I'm not asexual, and I want to be able to have healthy sex in a healthy relationship. Has anyone else had similar experiences and if so do you have any advice on how to handle it going forward?

[Siân]

Hi dana,

Welcome to the boards. Don't worry about the length, this is exactly what we're here for.

I'm so sorry that you went through this; both the assault and what sounds like some pretty traumatic sexual experiences afterwards. Neither are your fault, and you don't have to feel this way forever.

I know that feeling of it's easier to continue than say no - sometimes no can feel like a scary thing, even when we know that it would be ok. The good news is that with time, support and practice we can learn to say no and to state our boundaries, even when we feel a little bit scared. It sounds like you had even made a small start.

You're right that being able to communicate honestly in relationships is really important. To me, it sounds like your partner in this case was trying verbal communication but they really should have been more tuned in to your body language and whether you were really engaged during sex - especially if you felt so bad you were getting dizzy. Does that sound right? She can't however, know everything if you're not able to be honest.

The fear that you are experiencing in these situations is totally natural and understandable for a survivor of assault. It sounds like that fear is also holding your tongue when you want to be able to speak out for yourself though. Processing some of those feelings and learning some strategies to cope in tough moments are going to be key to the healthy sexual relationships you mention wanting. It will also be a whole lot easier with some professional support. Have you reached out to any resources for survivors in your area? Do you have a therapist or counselor? If not we can help you look for something, as well as continuing our conversation here.

[dana]

When I first started thinking about this I was very quick to absolve my partner of all blame, and I still hold that she did not intend to pressure me or ignore any red flags, and that she genuinely cared about my comfort. After a lot of consideration I think that whether or not she meant to, she was pressuring me into sexual situations, she was ignoring things that should have let her know I was uncomfortable, and she verbally expressed disappointment at some of my difficulties. These things don't inherently make her a predator or a bad person, and I think they're reasonable considering a) the nature of our relationship made it sort of assumed that we would have sex, which I initially did want, and b) she was not really equipped to react to me being traumatized. I wish that I could have tried to talk to her openly about it and work together on fixing it, without making her feel like it was her fault. I'm worried a lot about point a, because I currently am using tinder, etc in search of a relationship (there are very few queer women in my area and meeting one naturally is extremely unlikely), and I do, in my head, want to have sex. But I feel like healthy sex in the future would require me to share a lot of intimate details with my partner and going very slow over multiple encounters, and that requires a level of comfort I don't really have with someone until I've known them a long time.

For several years I've gone to cognitive behavioral therapy for anxiety and OCD (etc etc) generally as they affect my school performance and overall functioning. I like my therapist and I think I do trust her, but we have never spoken about sex or sexuality and I don't really know if either of us would be comfortable with it. As far as I know she mostly works with children and teens, and I don't know that she would be really qualified to help me with this. Finding another therapist or form of counseling would involve going through my parents and explaining to them what is wrong that is beyond my usual doctor's scope, and honestly I am not willing to have that conversation.

I know there probably really isn't anything you do to help but honestly I am glad to just get some of this off my chest.

[Siân]

I think you're right that your partner ought not to have ignored your being clearly uncomfortable, I'm sorry you weren't able to speak up more at the time. I don't agree that sex can ever be assumed to be on the cards though, it's not something that ought to happen to us but with us, as and when it feels right for everyone involved. The kind of relationship you describe wanting - sharing information and taking it slow - shows that you have a lot of insight into your needs, and it's also totally attainable. You don't even have to share all the details at once, you can just say you need to go real slow and leave it at that to begin with. If someone doesn't respect that it's a pretty clear indicator that they're not going to be a great partner. What do you think?

I also want to ask if you feel like seeking a relationship just now is the best thing for you? It sounds like your last one left you pretty bruised and it's ok - good even - to take some time to look after ourselves and process before looking for something new.

In terms of other avenues of support, how about asking your therapist if you can talk about some stuff around sexuality with her? See how she reacts to that and if it seems good then try opening up a little? Also, have you looked out for a survivors support group in your area? Or a rape hotline? There are resources out there that you can access independently of your parents. Would you like some help finding something?