Discovered porn young, worried about having sex

[fruit13]

Hey! I feel like this question has probably been answered in similar forms somewhere else, but I've never seen anything about my exact situation and I'd just like a little peace of mind.

I first discovered porn when I was somewhere around 8-10 accidentally while looking for fanfiction of a book series I was really into at the time. I'm almost 15 now, and I still look at porn fairly regularly, and I haven't had sex yet. Recently, I read something written by an adult talking about how they discovered porn young and are still recovering from the experience. They described how they started out with tamer stuff and quickly found they couldn't get off to anything but the most extreme fantasies available and it just really hit me that that was pretty much exactly what happened to me.

I already know porn isn't realistic, and that what happens in porn isn't what I can expect real sex to be like, and I don't really want to do any of the extreme stuff that happens in porn, but I'm worried it's affected me in ways I won't notice until I actually have an active sex life. I'm currently dating someone who's had sex before, and I think we'll probably have sex sometime soon. Will it be unsatisfying for me because of how long I've been looking at porn, including BDSM and rape fantasy stuff? Should I stop looking at porn entirely? Only look at "vanilla" stuff? I'm just not sure what to do.

[Alice O]

Hey fruit13,

Welcome to the boards!

There's a bunch of things you brought up that I want to respond to

It's important to remember that people have VERY strong opinions about pornography, and a lot of the writing out there has a certain agenda behind it (i.e. pro-pornography or anti-pornography). It's also important to remember that whenever someone shares about their experience with something, it is not necessarily going to apply to other people's experiences with that same thing. So, just because the adult you read has had a hard time recovering from discovering pornography at a young age does not mean you are going to have the same experience.

You said that you are worried that porn has affected you in ways that you won't notice until you have an active sex life. The reality is, so much about the culture we are raised in and the media we have consumed (movies, books, music videos etc.) affect our understanding of sex and sexuality, often in ways that we don't notice! So I think your experience watching porn likely has and will affect the ways you are thinking about sex and sexuality right now. But that's also ok. I think what is most important is *being conscious* of how porn (and other aspects of culture and media) has influenced your thinking about sex. And it sounds like you are doing that! You said you know that porn isn't realistic and isn't what real sex is like--true! That type of critical thinking about what you are watching is so important. Here's a link to the most recent Scarleteen article about pornography: Making Sense of Sexual Media.

In terms of how you want to engage with pornography moving forward, only you can decide what is right for you! You could keep watching and you wouldn't be a "bad" person or anything like that. You could also stop watching and focus on your own imagination and fantasies instead. You could take a temporary break from watching porn. Or you could continue, but try to alternate more with other ways of feeling aroused as well. You could engage with a different type of video pornography--for ex. if there's porn you feel more comfortable watching or feel more comfortable with how it was made. You could engage with a different type of sexual media--for example erotic books. You could try one thing and then try another and then try another. What are you currently feeling might be a good next step for you?

And are there any questions you have as you think about becoming sexually involved with the person you're dating?