Scarleteen

Hey, this is my second post on this forum and I have a sort of dilemma. I do not drink because I have alcoholism and addiction in my family. My mother is an alcoholic and she was sober for two years and then she got back on the wagon. It bothers me a lot and I know when she is drinking and it makes me quite uncomfortable. I usually just go in my room and sit on my phone.

I have been on my campus for about a month or so, and I have been to about three parties. They were really fun, but after every one, my friends left me and I had to walk about a mile or so back to my dorm by myself. I have told people that I do not drink and most people respect that. I feel that I do not need alcohol or marijuana to have fun. I can have fun without doing something that I would regret later. I don't really want to be that guy though. The Debbie downer of the party. Like I am a very social person and I talk to a lot of people at the parties. I have been offered beer and shots and stuff but I usually deny them.


I have talked to a couple of girls, but I will not make any moves on any girls who are too intoxicated. I am not the guy to take advantage of any girl no matter the situation. I want to hookup with a girl, but it seems like the only way to do that is to be at a party and/or drink along with them. I am also afraid of taking a girl home who has had a couple drinks, but is not intoxicated, and being seen as taking advantage of the female. I really want a relationship, but it is not really possible at the moment because I am not too attractive to some people. I personally think that I have an amazing personality and it makes up for anything that lacks in attractivness.


I do not have the most positive self-body image. I have clinical hereditary depression and anxiety and the lack of interest in me by women is lowering my self-esteem even more. I have been having thoughts of suicide and harming myself that I cannot control. I made a couselling appointment very soon and hopefully it will help, as I have been struggling with this for a while. This will be my first counselling session and I am a little nervous to be honest. I do not drink and I don't need to, but how will I be able to hookup without being at a party or drunk?

When it comes to thoughts of harming one's self or suicide you really need to know that it solves nothing and that no matter what problems you may have they are all 100% solvable. It may take time but believe me they are and nothing absolutely NOTHING is worth dying over. This is a mental health issue and while a counselor may try to help you really need a psychiatric referral and for a specialist to diagnose the issue that leads you to have these feelings and treat it correctly often with medication and close monitoring.

The next thing you need to understand is that there are others on campus exactly like you that cannot drink due to alcoholism, religion or other reasons. It may seem that everyone is drinking or using drugs but it's not so. The problem is that you haven't met them yet because you have been hanging out in the wrong places with wrong crowd. If I were you I would look into student government, associations, and clubs where people in them aren't likely to be in to drinking and drugs for the same reasons you are. You may want to look into people who believe in a cause such as being against drunk or distracted driving or religious views mean they cannot drink or do drugs. They do exist the Christian Science, Muslim, Jehovahs Witness faiths are all examples of this. There's bound to people who are from them that share your views on abstaining from this or even students who support the efforts of MADD and responsibility. See if there are groups like this on campus.

It's either that or find people who though they may party are decent friends in every other way that understand how you feel and don't make you feel uncomfortable in social situations. People who ditch you at parties and make you walk home in the dark aren't your real friends. As far as women go believe me you will find someone but maybe not immediately that likes you for who you are and wants to be with you. You have to be open to someone who may not fit the idea of your ideal partner in terms of looks etc but who is likely to be an excellent partner. Almost everyone has issues with body image but to the right person it doesn't matter.

BTW, I didn't see the small print that users shouldn't post here. Please understand that I really thought I could help this guy and am not someone who breaks rules intentionally.

Hi Lazy_Isopod,

I'm going to tackle the mental health stuff first. If those urges towards self-harm are, or at any point get to be, intense enough that you feel you would actually hurt yourself, then you'll need to bypass the counselor and go to an emergency service.

It's great that you've taken the step of making an appointment with a counselor, because that's going to help you get some supports that it sounds like will be beneficial to you. You mention being nervous about your first appointment. Is there something in particular that you're anxious about? If you haven't already read it, this piece may help you get a sense of what to expect from your appointment: Process This: Getting the Most Out of Therapy

As far as drinking goes, I agree with potatochipeater that there are plenty of other folks on campus who don't, or can't, drink. But, I can definitely see how you'd feel like you're the odd one out, especially if a lot of the social situations you're in involve everyone but you drinking. It sounds like you're enjoying the parties (although I would check-in with your friends about why they keep ditching you to walk home alone, because that's not a great move on their part), so it sounds like a next step would be to find one or two non-party activities to add to the mix that get you out and about and meeting people. That gives you a chance to meet new friends, as well as meet people who are potential partners. Are there activities or groups on campus that you've been thinking about joining?

Hey Patatochipeater and Sam. I want to make it clear that I am on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication everyday, but I have not gone to therapy yet. As for the suicidal thoughts, I do not want to die AT ALL. It pops in my head out of no where and it really scares me a lot. I will bring it up and see if I can see a psychiatrist here in addition to my couselling. I am just nervous for actually like talking so much about my problems because I have PTSD from certain events.


I signed up for these really cool clubs like a reptile animal club and a horticulture club. I love animals (especially reptiles) and planting. I also write in a journal and I write poetry as well. These clubs meet on Wednesdays when I have my late English class. I was also going to join Hall Government, but it also has the same problem.

I am a social person so I don't have problems talking to many people. I am enjoying the parties because of some of the people, but I have talked to my friends about leaving me. I am pretty independent though, so I guess I am fine by myself, although I like to be around people. I am not religious so I do not think I will join those kinds of clubs.

I want to thank you both for responding. I truly appreciate it.

You're welcome! It sounds like you're taking some really great steps to meet people! At a certain point, all you can do is keep getting to know people and be patient, since a lot of finding someone to date or hookup with has to do with luck (being in the same place as a person who is interested in you and who you are interested in).

It's pretty common for folks to feel nervous when first starting counseling, especially if they have things like PTSD that can be pretty intense to deal with. If you need help figuring out how to broach certain topics with your counselor (now or in the future), you're welcome to use the space here to brainstorm.

Again, not to break the rules and as a final followup: You have to understand that the internal soundtrack that is coming at you constantly about suicide etc is NOT nor ever will be your own thinking. You have to mentally counter it every time. It's also a signal to you that something isn't right and that you need to make your doctor aware of it so he can help you permanently turn those messages off. It's a part of the illness. PTSD and other issues may be difficult to bring up but think of it in the same vein as throwing up. It's terrible to do but once it is all out and in this case 100% in the open will the healing process begin. Get rid of all of it. It's okay to be nervous but nobody is judging you and to your total benefit and wellness to let it all come out with a medical professional. That's all I wanted to say and thanks again to the management on the boards for letting me do so.

Thank you both so much! I know that it is all luck sadly. I will try to tell everything that is on my mind and that has been bothering me for awhile. Thank you!