How Do You Choose a Partner

[Sam W]

I came across this thread from the old boards in which Heather poses this question:
"How do you choose a partner? Seems like a simple question, right?

But it's actually the head of a really complex pile of issues.

Which is why I'm curious.

How do you choose your romantic or sexual partners? How much of an active choice does it feel like for you? When you do, do you feel like both of you are choosing, or that only one of you is?"

You can read the full thread here: http://www.scarleteen.com/forum/ultimat ... 07896.html.

I want to start that conversation back up. For me, the first time I had a partner it was a very passive choice: it was someone who was interested in me, who I mildly liked, and because I was 16 I felt like should start dating and since no one else had asked me out I should jump at the chance because it might be the only one I got. We had some surface things in common, but that was it.

The second relationship was very, very different. There was a very active, mutual choice being made by both of us. Like, we almost said the exact same words when attempting in a fumbling way to confess our feelings to each other. I feel like that mutuality, being equal partners in the relationship dynamic, set the tone for the rest of the relationship.

[Arasia]

I've always been, as people put it, very picky about choosing a partner. Currently I am in a marriage and plan to be exclusive with only that person.
Before dating my spouse, I had never been in a relationship. Lots of different guys asked me, but most of them made me uncomfortable, and I had no problem saying "No". I went on dates with a couple of them, but quickly realized I wasn't interested and shut down further dating.
I had (and have) friends who get in relationships they don't want, because of peer-pressure to be "dateable" and popular--or because they feel they can be fixed by someone else or can fix someone else. I've watched from the sidelines as they go from toxic relationship to toxic relationship. A terror of being alone seems very common... I see it in teens, in adults, in seniors three times my age.
At any rate, my own relationship came completely unexpected. I had no plans to pursue anyone. But, over about 2 years, I got closer to one of my friends and (after about a week of awkwardly figuring how to ask him out) a mutual choice to be in a relationship came very naturally. By making communication our top priority, everything in our relationship was and is mutually chosen and discussed well in advance of taking action.
We have discussed why our relationship worked out so easily, when many around us flounder. I think, very generally, it comes down to how and why people choose their partners.
I've also noticed that some young people don't have or don't know how to hear those "gut feelings" that warn when there is a problem.... and those young people run into trouble.

[Hollytiger]

That seems like such a basic consideration but it's something I haven't really actively thought about.

I think I and most people have ideas about qualities we'd like in a partner. But when it comes to actually choosing a partner, sometimes those ideas can become a bit blurry. I think when a situation is particularly emotional, it's easy to compromise on those ideas.

Maybe it comes with more experience, but I find myself (regrettably) easily swayed when someone expresses interest. Even if I am not initially that interested in them, if they make an effort to care about some aspect of myself, I become closer to the idea of having them potentially be a partner. I think issues of self-esteem, worth, and compassion come into play here. When you seek validation outside of yourself, someone else coming in and complimenting you or otherwise showing emotional/physical interest feels like a really big deal. Basically the thought process is - I don't like myself, so how could someone else?

[bikinksterboy]

I think I'm in semi-agreement with Hollytiger about the ideas people have about what they'd like in partners becoming blurry in practice and when emotions are high. When I've intentionally sought out partners I've mostly found myself making more active choices early on, but relationships that didn't start that way tended to not to have that element at first. I'm gonna try and list my recollection of my relationship history and the nature of each:
1- My first I can barely remember. it was entirely online (as with most of these)
2- a period of many extremely short relationships where there was mutual choice but we both rushed into it maybe without as much consideration as to whether we should have an exclusive monogamous relationship (Honestly this was a haze and that could apply to many of these)
3- was more of an explicit choice, but we met each other when I was not intentionally looking for a partner. This was turbulent, to say the least, and I was basically dating partner 3 and 4 at the same time, behind the back of each, In a really shitty dishonest way.
4- see 3
5- after some time had passed since 3 and 4 in which I took some time to reflect and become a better person, one in which it was almost entirely a choice for the other partner as I think they sort of assumed the nature of the relationship before I could agree to any of it (I realized only in hindsight most of how messed up and imbalanced this one was, at the time I think I was sort of desperate to just be with someone again so I accepted it even though I hadn't ever really consented to the relationship and on some level knew I probably wasn't ready)
6- Following this I met someone through the circle of friends that had formed around me and the former partner who had rushed me into things, and with them it was more of a situation where we started doing sexual and intimate things but hadn't really thought about the nature of our relationship until one day we had a conversation about it and both confirmed that we wanted to be together as a couple. This relationship ended because our one method of communication was cut off and we never really were able to find each other, and the phone number they had given me was dead
7- The next one was a mutual choice with me and someone I met through partner-seeking, and several times we agreed to separate and came back together until one day an issue arose that led my partner to end the relationship on her terms (we were able to communicate choice to stay or leave, but I think there was a severe lack of communication as to why those decisions were being made, so that's probably why it was so off-and-on)
8- something similar to 5, but shorter-lasting
9- I didn't find this person while intentionally seeking a romantic relationship, but we did make a conscious choice early on. We never had the series of separations like 7, but there were elements of emotional manipulation, miscommunication, "game-playing," and mismatched expectations that I recognized some of during, and some of after the fact. We didn't even break up really; one day during a call they were interrupted and became totally inaccessible for almost a year, a sort of unintentional ghosting (I believe briefly mentioned this partner on my post in the thread http://www.scarleteen.com/bb/viewtopic.php?f=13&t=480 )
10- started similar to 7, but emotions were high and it was all somewhat of a blur. partner left and gave a virtual "dear John" letter that I found confusing and we met up and had one or two "encounters" afterward but nothing more came of these
11- similar to 5 except there wasn't a power imbalance like that one. (I discussed this in http://www.scarleteen.com/bb/viewtopic.php?f=14&t=4810 )
12- my current relationship. started very similar to 6, except "I love you" was said fairly early on and instead of the question being generally "what is the nature of our relationship?" it was more of "Are we a couple?" and deciding to make it "official" to each other by confirming we were, as with 6 It started a little more in platonicish territory
if this post is too off-topic or requires its own thread that's fine

[bikinksterboy]

I
6- Following this I met someone through the circle of friends that had formed around me and the former partner who had rushed me into things, and with them it was more of a situation where we started doing sexual and intimate things but hadn't really thought about the nature of our relationship until one day we had a conversation about it and both confirmed that we wanted to be together as a couple. This relationship ended because our one method of communication was cut off and we never really were able to find each other, and the phone number they had given me was dead

(this partner I discussed here http://www.scarleteen.com/bb/viewtopic.php?f=14&t=8182)

[bikinksterboy]

a lot of this info is probably mangled in some way or another because none of these relationships except the last ever were in person so it's all kind of a blur (does this count as thread bumping/necromancy btw? if so is that sort of thing allowed here? I don't remember)