Hard time forgiving

[Potato]

My boyfriend (25) and i (24) have been together for going on three years now, we live together and for the most part its pretty good. However valentines day of this year i found out he had been talking to his ex (despite that i told him i wasnt comfortable with it due to the nature of her character) he let me know while we were in the middle of a fairly big fight saying it wasnt a big deal. He had told her he missed her and that he still loved her and wanted to be with her, she was trying to convince him to move in with her and leave me in our brand new apartment by myself. i have anxiety issues so im constantly worried that hes going to leave me for her or someone else now even though he assures me theres nothing to worry about. I want to believe him but we fight non stop now because of it I'm genuinely finding it really hard to forgive him for it and let it be the past. He still gets very defensive of the issue and wont talk about it at all, I love him and i want everything to work out but its putting a serious strain on out relationship.

[Heather]

I'm sorry you've found yourself in this conflict and strain, Potato.

It sounds like the limit you put on that relationship was fair given both his behavior with it and hers. It also isn't surprising that you can't get over this if he won't talk with you so the two of you can process it, and then also have talks about re-setting agreements and limits and boundaries.

How might you feel about telling him you want to move forward, but you need the two of you to really talk this out so that you can do that, telling him that's just not negotiable for you?

I want to add that it may be that in trying to make this talk happen, or in having it, you still discover you can't move forward...and maybe that's because you shouldn't. After all, it sounds like he betrayed your trust and broke and agreement behind your back. It seems he both won't let you try and talk this out and also will not take responsibility for what he's done. All of these things -- especially if he won't budge -- are indications that this may not be a good relationship for you to stay in, as they are signals the other person in this relationship isn't willing anymore to do their part in it. So, that's just something I'd start thinking about or at least preparing yourself for.