How do I get horny?

[JackHamilton]

OK,I talked about my anorgasmia before,and my sexual therapist now thinks that I can get horny only by touching a person who is attractive to me.He also says that because I don't get horny enough,that it's the reason why I can't orgasm.Like,I get horny,but only a little,not enough.What should I do to become more sexually aroused?

[Sam W]

Hi Jack,

What gets someone aroused is going to vary a lot from person to person, so you'll likely need to do some experimenting to find the things that work for you. For instance, have you ever found that watching or reading certain things makes you aroused (porn would be the most obvious example, but there are plenty of other pieces of media that get people aroused)? Do you need certain environmental conditions (a comfy bed, a warm bath) to help get you in a place where arousal feels easier?

It may also help to keep in mind that people vary widely in terms of their sex drive (for lack of a better word). Some folks find they get aroused very easily, others find it happens infrequently, and others find it basically never happens. And an individual will likely find they have periods where they get aroused often and periods where it feels like it doesn't happen at all. So, while it's great to explore ways to get aroused, there isn't a specific amount that counts as "enough."

[JackHamilton]

Well my fetish makes me somewhat horny and porn but not enough to cum.The last time I felt horny "enough",like really horny,was when I hugged a man I had a crush on.I got really wet.I don't get that aroused by myself.Are there any pills to make me horny? Or excersises? Because I don't get it ,I have really high levels of T but I can't get properly horny,like I used to.Could it be physical? I never had a gynecological exam and in 2 months I will be 24.I tried to,but when a doctor touched me with some instrument or whatever that was I started to panic and scream (yeah,scream,I kid you not) so they never done a PAPA test to me.I had ultrasound though,told small uterus and both ovaries.But my mum has gynecological issues that are serious and since she is my mum there is a high chance I have or will have them.The only way possible for me to have gynecological exam is in anesthesia (the kind where I'm not awake) but it costs a lot.I have enough money for it,though,just not feeling like giving that much money only for that.

[Sam W]

There aren't really any pills or exercises you could use in this situation, although you could try introducing new or novel elements into your masturbation routine (sometimes the excitement of something being new helps increase the level of arousal) to see what happens. Can you think of some ways to do that?

It may also be that physical touch, or thinking about a specific person who you're attracted to are important components of arousal for you. There's nothing wrong with that in and of itself, although it sounds like it is causing you quite a bit of frustration. Starting T, while it does increase many peoples desire for sex, isn't guaranteed to increase how frequently you get aroused, because hormones are only one part of that process.

Given that this topic was brought up by your therapist, has he made any recommendations as to how you should approach this situation?

[JackHamilton]

I don't have a clue what might arouse me.Besides my fetish.And I tried thinking about guys I like and I still couldn't cum.
Me and my therapist tried everything.I told him last time that I got really excited when hugging that man,and that I don't get that excited when just masturbating,and he said that it might be that I need a physical touch to get aroused. He said some people are like that.But I need to wait a lot until I can have sex,because I don't plan to start finding boyfriend before I have top surgery and before I take care of my seizures (I have epilepsy,and I have yet to start my new antiepileptics and it takes time for them to work) cause I have them every day,and I won't start looking for BF before I found some interest that I can talk about.Like gym.Or volonteering.Or calling an old friend.

I just hope that I can trust some man,because I'll be searching for BF on a dating site,most likely Badoo,I already have an account there and many of men like me but the problem is that 60% of them are a lot older.And with hot guys my age,I am too ugly and too weird and too BORING for them.They deserve better then me.What if they touch me? They are going to regret it.Like,I'm really boring.

And if I do find someone (if I will feel worthy in the future) I don't know how are we going to have sex.Because vaginal sex,I never had an orgasm by fingering myself nor using toys.Oral sex - a reminder on a person who raped me (pressured me into oral even though I SAID NO and made a face that VERY CLEARLY said I don't want it,he kept bothering me so I just did it).Anal sex - Never.Hurts too much,and I don't have a prostate so chances of orgasming are really low.But I'd like him to touch my clitoris with his hands and with his penis and I'd like mutual masturbation.
And him doing oral on me (lick my vagina).
I am just scared that he is going to want to have sex on first date,and I don't want that.And that after I have sex with him,he'll never talk to me again.Because some men are like that.Also,when I'll be dating I won't have breasts but I won't have penis either.I don't want some guy having sex with me just because I have a vagina,and to look me as female.But I don't know when is the right time to tell a guy I have female genitalia.During internet chat? Or during first date? Ufff it's all so complicated....

[Sam W]

So, it sounds like figuring out ways to orgasm is something you and your therapist are going to continue talking about, and we can discuss it more here as well if that would be helpful (although at a certain point we'll hit the limit of how we can help, since we're not inside your body and therefore can't figure out what feels good for you).

But, it also sounds like you're having a lot of worry about future partners and how you're going to be sexual with them, and I'd like to touch on that a bit. For starters, there are lots of ways to be sexual with someone, and it sounds like you already know what activities you are and are not interested in, which is a great starting place in terms of boundaries. And, while orgasm can certainly be an enjoyable part of being sexual with someone, it's not required in order for you and your partner to have a good time. Can you tell me a little more about feeling boring, and why you think that might make future partners regret touching you?

There can definitely be some unique challenges that come up when you're dating while trans. In fact, we actually wrote about some of those challenges in our trans summer school series, and if you haven't checked that article out you might find it a helpful read (even if you don't need it right now): Trans Summer School: Dating While Trans, Yes You Can! . You mention some fears about how a potential partner might behave or what things that they might want that would go counter to your own wants or boundaries. Do you feel like you're comfortable holding those boundaries if a future partner were to push them? Or does that feel like something that's difficult for you?

[JackHamilton]

"Can you tell me a little more about feeling boring, and why you think that might make future partners regret touching you?" (quote)

well,I am not a person who is interested in much...politics,history,sports,video games...they don't interest me.I love reading books,internet and TV shows only that.
But idk I feel as if pretty boys my age are more worthy then I am,they are just better.

"You mention some fears about how a potential partner might behave or what things that they might want that would go counter to your own wants or boundaries. Do you feel like you're comfortable holding those boundaries if a future partner were to push them? Or does that feel like something that's difficult for you?" (quote)

do you mean,if i'm able to give consent or say no even when pressured? I think I now am.It's been 5,almost 6 years since the assault,but I've grown since then.