Being single

[laurabriann]

Hello,
It's been one and a half month since me and my boyfriend decided to end our relationship. It was a mutual decision, we had a long distance relationship and it was actually working for me but my boyfriend failed to complete his first year in college since he was always wanting to Skype with me instead of studying. Now, he is in another major, I really hope for the best for him.
The thing is, even though it still hurts sometimes thinking about him and how beautiful our relationship once was, I am getting better everyday... But I guess I can't cope with being single... I always had rebound relationships whenever I broke up with a boyfriend, but this time I can't see anyone as a potential boyfriend. I don't have anyone that is flirting with me and it really makes me feel unwanted... I have one more month left for my classes to start and I spent my days hanging out with friends, reading, watching movies, writing etc. But whenever I am alone and doing nothing I remember him and how heartbroken I am... I know that even if I find a new boyfriend now, it will be due to me can't coping with being single. It really sucks... I don't want sexuality with someone that I don't know well, which means that I need a boyfriend for such activities. Ahh, it's so frustrating. I also took the Beck's Depression Test yesterday and I turned out to be heavily depressed, I am not excited for my future and I don't quite enjoy my life at the moment. I really need some advice is something wrong with me

By the way, people from my hometown are all judging people who are unmarried and sexually active, so that quite bothers me since I always see such people on social media etc. thankfully my friends and family are not like those people. Anyways, since I would definitely would not date someone who cares about virginity A LOT, it shouldn't be bothering me but I feel like they will try to use me anyways. It freaks me out...

[Sam W]

Hi Laurabriann,

I'm sorry the break up has left you feeling so down. Feeling low in this kind of situation is totally understandable, and it's certainly not a sign that something is wrong with you. Even if that's a common outcome of breaking up, it doesn't make it any more pleasant to deal with. If you haven't already done so, I suggest checking out this article to see if it has some tips that help you out: Getting Through a Breakup Without Actually Breaking

It sounds like it might help to talk about why being single feels so difficult for you and how you can maybe start adjusting to it. You mention you don't feel wanted, so lets dig into that a little bit. Is it specifically about feeling wanted in a romantic or sexual sense? Do you feel like there are gaps in your time that you used to fill with your romantic relationship?

As an aside about the depression scale, the one you used doesn't seem to account for amount of time that you've been feeling a certain way, which is one of the ways mental healthcare providers determine if the depression someone feels is tied to an event and will probably go away or is more chronic. So, it makes sense that you'd score highly on that test because you're still feeling a lot of raw emotions from the break up. That being said, if you've been feeling really low for awhile, it may be a good idea to check in with some mental health supports of some kind (and we can talk about how to do that, if you'd like).

[laurabriann]

Thank you for the article! I've read it and it really eased my mind.
I really don't know why I can't cope with being single. For the past -almost- 5 years, I always had a boyfriend (3 in total), and they were all long term relationships. Considering the fact that I am only 20, almost all of my high school years were with a boyfriend, so I did not have the time that I needed to discover my inner self, or in other words "the real me". Also, last week I was thinking about this and trying to find the reason why I hate being single, I came up with a possible reason: when I was in middle school, I only had three friends and everyone except those 3 girls, did not like me. I did nothing wrong to anyone, but I was a hardworking student, all of my grades were quite high, I was not wearing makeup or clothes that look cool on me... Then I got a high score on my high school entrance exams and got into the number one school in my country... I believe, after that I became more self confident and I got prettier (I believe) and people started to like me... First I had a boyfriend, we dated for 2 years, but then he went abroad for college and our relationship ended... I knew I couldn't handle the breakup, so I got into another relationship in 3 weeks (it was a rebound but then we fell in love) which lasted one and a half years, and the ending of that relationship was much tougher. As soon as he broke up with me, he started flirting with other girls and at the same time he was using me and my feelings... he was telling me that he missed me and might want to get back together... we were involved in sexual activities after the breakup and one time he told me "This does not mean that I still love you, don't get your hopes high" and BOOM, I started hating him! Because of this hatred, I found myself a handsome guy on Instagram (we had common friends so approaching him was pretty easy) and sent him a Snap and initiated a conversation. After a month he told me that he had feelings for me, so we met up and started dating! It was obviously a rebound relationship, I was still not over my ex, so I ended things with this Instagram boy... after I broke up, this guy started sending me texts saying he wanted to meet and I answered none of those. He was sending me happy birthday messages and happy new year kind of messages and I was replying to those. Anyways, after 7 months of the breakup with the IG guy, my ex that I hated started dating another girl and I was totally devastated. So what I did? I sent a text to the IG guy, since I knew he still loved me, and we started dating again! 2 months after that, he moved to Germany for his studies and we started a long distance relationship with him, I loved him and he loved me... He even proposed (I know it was crazy) he was always dreaming about our future together and I found myself dreaming just the way he did! We were skyping all the time, he was crying because he was missing me a lot, and was not studying at all! So what happened is, after a semester, he dropped out of his major and came back to our country and became an intern for 3 months... during these 3 months, we met two times a week (not a lot, because I was so busy with my school, I am in law school and I have a lot to read ). During these three months, he had some problems with his family, which he never shared with me, but I could feel the tension between him and his family... Even though I've never met his mother, she spammed me on Facebook as if I would send her messages... What I believe is, his parents blamed me for the dropping out of college... At the end of June, we met for the last time (we did not know it was the last) and everything seemed fine, he even told me that he wanted me to visit him on the south coast of our country, where they have a summerhouse, and told me that we would have a great time there... Anyways, as he went to the southcoast (his family spend every summer there, he goes with them) he started to act more distant day by day... When I told him what was wrong, he told me that he was nervous waiting for the acceptance letter from the college he wanted to study at (after dropping out, he applied for another college). But in those 20 days, he went from a sweetheart to a rude person. He was not picking up my phones, and answering my texts hours later... So I stopped contacting him for 5 days, and after those 5 days I sent him a text message saying I wanted to talk. And we did. The call took 2 hours and he told me that since the day he came to the summerhouse, he was thinking whether if it was a good idea to go on with a long distance relationship, since he was not able to study for his exams as he missed me, and he did not want us to affect each other potentials (he means that, I was planning to move to Germany after I graduate from college, and he did not know if it was good to arrange our careers according to our relationship). We were both crying during the call, he told me that he still cared about me A LOT, and he believed that if it's meant to be it will be someday. I told me to keep the ring he gave me when proposing, since he wanted to propose one more time if we get back together. He also told me to keep in touch, and I told him that it was not a good idea and I did not want to talk to him except for those special days such as our birthdays etc. So we ended our relationship, I agreed with him during the talk and told him that it was the best for us to break up. And I never contacted him ever again, except that one time he texted me to say he got accepted, and I congratulated him and that's it.
He still likes the photos of my parents and still follows them, I know that he cares about me. But it was such a shock for me to see that he wanted to break up! He even once told me that he would never break up with me even if I cheated on him (I know it sounds so creepy). How come he changed so much only in 20 days! I promised myself to not stalk him nor contact him, so I'm getting better everyday but it still hurts.
Sorry for this loong looong explanation but I want to address that I get so attached to my relationships that when they end, I feel so frustrated. I have good friends and I never told them how I felt about this relationship, I only talk to my mom and dad about it and they always support me. A lot of my friends are looking for a boyfriend or girlfriend, or they already have one, that might be another reason why I want to be in a relationship. For now, I know that I can't love someone since I am still not over my ex. I also want to go to Germany for my masters degree, so I'll start taking German lessons in two weeks, and start doing yoga... I'll also be busy with my studies this year, so probably I won't be even thinking about him... But I AM SCARED TO BE LONELY. I want to be loved and liked by someone, I also want to have a boyfriend in order to have a regular sexual life... I don't want to sleep with someone I don't love... Ahhh, it is super frustrating Can you please help me, I'm feeling so lonely...

[Sam W]

So, I think not pursuing another relationship right away is a sound call, both because you're right that it's not a good idea to enter into a new romantic relationship while still missing your ex, and because it sounds like it would actually be beneficial to spend some time being single.

That probably feels like a scary prospect right now, and given that you haven't been single for a long time, it's going to feel that way at first. And that's okay! It's okay to feel scared or unsure when facing new situations, even if those situations turn out to be positive. Too, it may help to realize that the vast majority of people have one or more periods of single-hood during their teen or adult years. Timing, compatibility, location, and all sorts of things mean that most of us will have a time where we're not dating anyone. What you're experiencing is actually totally common, you know?

It sounds like one of the first things to address is finding the benefits of being single. It frees up time for new pursuits (and it sounds like you've already decided on a couple of cool ones), it frees up time for friends, and it frees up time that you get to spend alone with yourself and rekindle that relationship. It sounds like being alone feels daunting to you, so what if you set aside some specific times to take yourself on a date, or spending time doing something you enjoy that doesn't require a partner? Do those sound like things you could try? I'd also suggest taking a look at this article, especially the pieces on fulfillment, since they sound like they might be useful to you right now: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/etc/i ... easure_101

Let's poke at that wanting to be loved or liked piece: what, for you, differentiates the love you get from friends or family from romantic love? Does the love you get from your friends feel like it fills the same places in your heart?
With the sexual element, you're right that being single and not wanting casual relationships means you'll be without a sexual partner for awhile. But honestly, that scenario falls within the bounds of a "normal" sex life, because so many people experience it. Is the thing you worry about missing from having a sexual partner the emotional elements and connection, or is it that you'll miss the physical feelings (or both)?

[laurabriann]

Thanks for the article, it was really helpful.
What I am missing the most is the feeling of being loved and having a sexual partner actually... So both physical and emotional... I am actually cool with the missing of the physical activities since we were already in a long distance relationship and could see each other only once in a few months. The things is, I am not that close with my closest friends even though we hang out a lot and talk about the stuff that's going on in our lives most of the time... for example I don't want them to see me cry or sad since that'd make me feel like they think I am miserable. That said, the love I get from my parents is obviously a lot, and I love them too, but it is not a romantic relationship that we have... so something is still missing. I am fully aware of the fact that I don't need a specific person in my life. I really don't know if I was really in love with this person, or with the love and care he was giving. He was also very VERY VERY attractive, which makes me feel like I will never ever find someone that beautiful again. I know physical appearance is not that important, but still I loved having an attractive partner - especially sexually. What I know is that I am so tired to get to know someone new and start a relationship. It is definitely the best for me to settle down a bit and be single for a while. What I know truly and deeply is that I don't want a relationship right now. I want to flirt with people and talk to them, being liked is a good feeling actually. But when it comes to starting a relationship - a big no. I also feel defeated if my ex finds a new partner, I know thinking this way is not healthy at all, but I can't help it

[Heather]

Hey there, Laura. I'm wondering about one part of this:

I am not that close with my closest friends even though we hang out a lot and talk about the stuff that's going on in our lives most of the time... for example I don't want them to see me cry or sad since that'd make me feel like they think I am miserable.

What I wonder is what you think about feeling that way with your friends, but NOT with a sexual partner? In other words, what do you think makes you feel like you can be emotionally intimate when it comes to hard feelings with a sexual partner, but not with your friends? Do you think that's about your specific friends, or is this more general for you?

What do you think you would need to feel free to have the kind of emotional intimacy with friends that it sounds like, so far, you have reserved for a sexual or romantic partner?

[laurabriann]

Hey Heather,
Actually, I really don't know why I feel this way about letting my close friends know how I feel... It may be because I'm afraid to show them my weaknesses. When I am in a relationship, it takes me a little while to show my feelings I have for my partner... For now, I really don't want a romantic relationship since I feel like I am currently not open to loving someone... I don't want to be back together with my ex neither, I feel like he was letting me feel the way I shouldn't be feeling. I am the kind of person that lies to herself, let me put this another way, if I keep telling myself something over and over again, I start to believe it. If I say "I am happy and everything is fine", after a while I start to feel so, or maybe I pretend to be so, I really don't know. It's not about my friends why I'm acting this way, I am actually trying to protect myself from getting hurt. I had many friendships that ended not so good, either we took different paths or they talked behind my back etc. When I have a significant other, at first I don't let them know how I feel towards them, as the time goes by and I get used to being around them, I start telling them how I feel... I want them to know that I love and care about them... But as I do so, I feel like they withdraw, even though at first they were the ones that tell those things.

[Sam W]

So, it sounds like a feeling that carries both into your friendships and your romantic relationships is that fear that opening up or showing vulnerability will lead to you getting hurt. And that's certainly a risk of being close to someone, and it can hurt to find that someone you were close to can no longer be trusted with those feelings, or simply leaves your life. But, I'd argue it's also incredibly rewarding to have people in your life who love you even when they see you in moments of vulnerability. Something I'd encourage you to try with your close friends over the next little while is being a little more open, or trying for a little more intimacy ( this article does a great job of breaking down different ways of being intimate with people: Intimacy: The Whys, Hows, How-Nots, and So-Nots ) Does that feel like something you can try?

I want to loop back to something you mentioned in a previous post: thinking that you'll feel defeated if your ex finds a new partner. Can you tell me a little more about why you think that's how you'll feel?

[laurabriann]

Even though I know we are not in a battle with my ex and instead actually on good terms, I feel like everyone would pity me if I am single when he is with someone else. In my previous breakups, I got into rebound relationships once in 3 weeks and the other one in 3 months, the latter one makes me think that it was not actually a rebound... This time, even though there are a few people that are flirting with me, I don't want to get into a rebound relationship or any relationship at all and what scares me the most is not being single itself but people around me pitying me because I am single, if that makes any sense... Therefore, I feel like if my ex finds a new partner and shares this on social media (if he doesn't do so, no one will ever know, including me, since he lives in another country) our common friends will be like "He already found a new one and she is still single! She must be so sad, poor her" etc. I know it sounds really bizarre but I can't help but think about this scenario most of the time, even though I know I would be happy if he is happy with someone else.

[Sam W]

Got it. Something I'm noticing in our conversation is that it sounds like you tend to worry about other people pitying you or seeing you as weak (I've been there, and that's a stressful place to be). You mentioned not wanting your friends to think you're miserable if you express (understandable) sorrow about an ended relationship, and you're worried that people will pity you if your ex finds a new relationship before you do. Something that may help is to remember that you can't really control what other people think, and that at a certain point what a random person thinks about you is less important than how you think about you. Framing it as, "they'll think what they think and I'm okay with that" can be really helpful in certain situations. Does that make sense?

Something else that you could try, especially if this scenario is occupying a lot of brain space is to think through it and give it an ending that's positive and realistic. Doing that can help you see that the situation can be resolved and also break the loop of worrying about the same thing over and over again. Do you think you could try that?

[laurabriann]

Yes, that is exactly what the actual problem is. If we did not have any mutual friends, I would probably be okay right now... But since we have mutual friends, even my parents are added on his social media accounts, I feel like if he posts something about a new girl they will directly text me saying that "Did you see what he post????", and I'm sure they will do so since they already did before (not about another girl but flying to Munich). I hate being broken up with somebody since I feel this way until it really happens or I am the one who gets into a relationship... I wish I could ask my friends to unfollow him, since they did not even know him before we started dating... But I really don't want to do this since he would totally misunderstand... I don't want to hurt him, I just miss him sometimes... I'm feeling totally unwanted, I already told you our story and you probably realized that it was actually a mutual decision but I feel sooo unwanted. And the main reason for that is probably because the guys that were flirting with me just stopped talking to me all together and it really sucks

[Sam W]

With your friends and family who follow him on social media, would you feel comfortable asking them to not give you updates about his life? Because it's completely within in bounds for you to say something like, "hey, I know you follow ex on social media and in the past you've tried to update me on his life or ask if I've seen certain things he posts. Since I'm still feeling pretty raw from the break-up, I'm going to ask that you not do that."

It's completely understandable that you want to feel wanted. The vast majority of people on this planet feel the same way, and it can definitely suck to have a period in your life where you don't feel that way. One place to start undoing that feeling is to ask yourself what kinds of things, besides a romantic relationship or flirting, make you feel wanted (or you think would make you feel that way)? If you get stuck, you can refer back to this article for ideas: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/etc/i ... easure_101

[laurabriann]

Thank you Sam,
that article really helped. I'll definitely tell my friends to do so.
I want to share something else with you, if you don't mind. I have some problems also with my mom... She is acting as if she is bipolar and we don't get along well most of the time. For example, she told me that it was totally okay with her if I invited my friends for a sleepover this weekend, so I did, and now she is saying that she is so tired and that's because I invite my friends. She is now yelling at me, my friend called me and I was talking to her and my mom came in got super mad because she was tired and doing the housework and I was talking to my friend...and now she wants me to uninvite my friends... I can't cope with all this, I'm feeling so sad and lonely. If only she was supporting me through all this...

[Sam W]

You're welcome, I'm glad it was helpful! Have you come up with some ways you can try recreating that feeling of being wanted?

I'm sorry things with your mom are stressful, it can be tough to deal with other emotional conflicts on top of a break-up. You mention you and she don't tend to get along well. Does that mean you argue or disagree often, or that she tends to go back on decisions often?

[laurabriann]

We don't argue that much since most of the time I don't insist... But she sometimes gets super mad at people or something going on in her life and she kind of reflects it on me. After the breakup, it's been almost two months now, my mom and dad supported me for like a week but then they were getting super upset whenever I was not smiling or showing any sign of happiness, which is basically because I was not happy at that moment. But they want me to be happy all the time which is not possible... But we need to go back to my childhood in order to analyse my relationship with my mom, she was a bit aggressive, she still is but obviously not as much. For example if I spilled something onto the floor, she would be so angry and I would try to hide it before she sees it and if she saw that I would cry my eyes out... When I'm having a problem with a friend or someone else, I am the one that is to be blamed according to her. This affected my self confidence when I was little, but now I'm okay with that and would definitely call myself a self-confident person. When I have a boyfriend, that feeling of being loved and supported makes me so happy and that sometimes makes me hold on to a "toxic" relationship since I am afraid of letting go of those feelings... When I don't have a significant other, I don't feel that love. My closest friends do also have other close friends, so we don't spend so much time together. When I am upset I don't have anyone to call... I sometimes tell my parents but not all the time. When I have a boyfriend, I call him right away when I am upset or in need of being loved. I don't know if any of these mean anything...
So now, when I'm upset I either watch a movie or read a book. I sometimes write, either about how I feel or about a movie/book... I also like to do some yoga, it really relaxes me. And sometimes I draw... But at the end of the day, before I go to sleep, I feel super lonely. When I am home alone, I cry a bit... And I really don't know when this will be over.

[Sam W]

That sounds like a really stressful dynamic to live with, especially from a parent, and I can see how that might leave you wary of showing "negative" feelings around people. If you'd like to, we could talk about strategies you could use to not have to deal with that anger as often. For example, when she's getting angry at things have nothing to do with you, do you feel like you can excuse yourself from the room/house and go elsewhere?

I think it's really sound of you to recognize that wanting to hold onto those feelings of love means you sometimes stay with toxic partners longer than you should. That speaks to some really strong self-reflection on your part. And you actually have some really great ways of caring for yourself when you're feeling upset, which is awesome!

It sounds like something you feel is missing right now is someone you can turn to for support when you're upset, because that someone is usually your partner (it's pretty common to turn to a partner for that kind of support, but it's also good to have a few other people you can talk to when you're upset). You mention you don't see your close friends that much. Is that something you'd like to change? And even if your can't see them, are there any friends you'd feel comfortable reaching out to through something like texting? Or, do you think something that would be beneficial for you is meeting new people and expanding that friend circle a bit?

[laurabriann]

It would definitely be better for me to expand my friend circle. One of my close friends is living abroad, so I don't see her so often and when she is away we don't hang out that much with our common friend, who is my other close friend. I have some friends from college, and one of them lives so close to where I live so we can hang out a lot, but now she is also away and will be back in 10 days. I would not want to be seen as a girl who is obsessed with an ex, so I don't like talking about my ex around people. One of my close friends is saying some stuff like "what if me and your ex get married in the future... what would you do?"... and it really bothers me. My ex and she was not getting along well actually and I know my ex would never do something like that to me, I trust him more than I trust that friend since I know that friend only for a short amount of time. But still asking me questions like that really bothers me and I don't reply to them as if I didn't hear... I usually tell them I don't like to talk about him, but they still somehow talk about him around me. I just gave up telling them to not talk about him I just don't answer. You probably understand now why I was saying that I did not want him to share it on social media when he gets a new girlfriend... because they will always remind me what happened. I'm really hoping that he would not share it for a while, until my friends give up on talking about him. I really want to be single for a long long time since I don't want to experience this one more time, I always get so caught up in the relationship and it always ends like this and everyone pities me.
My parents also told me to not introduce my new boyfriend, if I ever find a new one, to them because they are also tired of meeting with my boyfriends and then seeing me heartbroken AGAIN. When my mom is angry with me, she doesn't want me to go out, she once took all my money and I couldn't go out. When I have a boyfriend, I always feel like he'd support me no matter what and be there for me just as I would be there for him too... That's why I get this heartbroken. I really am hoping that one day, someone who REALLY cares about me shows up in my life. I am waiting for that person but I'm not sure how I am going to trust a new person. I feel like my mom doesn't support me that much. Yes she loves me and I love her too, we sometimes get along sooo well like we hang out and have fun but sometimes we are just like enemies... She doesn't want me to have a boyfriend for a long time, she always tells me that I have so many things to focus on instead of focusing on finding a new one and she is totally right. Now, I have a plan of going to Germany to continue my studies after I graduate from college, so I enrolled to a German course which will start in 2 weeks, there I hope I can find new friends... I really wish that I can make this dream come true I believe in myself, but I wish my mom would also do so.

[Sam W]

The German course sounds like an excellent way to meet people! One of the most effective ways to meet new friends is to get involved in activities or hobbies that you like and that bring you into contact with new people. That way you know you have at least one point of interest in common and can work from there. Any hobbies or pursuits besides German that you've been curious about trying? If it's option, you may also want to chat with the close friend who's abroad, if that's something doable given the communication methods you both have available. Even just the occasional text with a thing that made you think of them or that you think they'd enjoy can help maintain that feeling of connection.

It does sound like some of these other friends are kind of being jerks, especially since you've already asked them to limit how much they talk about your ex around you. Do you think it would be worthwhile to set that boundary clearly one more time and then decide what to do if they continue to ignore it? Or would you rather scale back the interactions you have with those friends?

With your mom, does she have a habit of taking your money away or otherwise doing things that restrict your movement or ability to go out and do things?

It sounds like something that might also be helpful to you is to talk about ways to temper your expectations of any future romantic relationships. One of the trickiest things about pursuing a romantic relationship when your ultimate hope is to find someone to be with for the rest of your life is that you can't know the future. All you can do is go off the evidence you have in the moment. If someone comes into your life who you want to date and who wants to date you, you're taking a chance at heartbreak. But if you want to have those kinds of relationships, that's a risk that you have to accept you're taking, you know? I don't think your parents are helping in this regard, even if what they're saying is maybe coming from a place of not wanting you to be unhappy. But the idea that someone is only going to have a few partners before finding someone to settle down with just isn't realistic given the data we have about dating.

[laurabriann]

I totally agree with you with all these. One of these friends who is studying abroad is saying such stuff with all that "what if"s... The reason why she is acting that way is I guess, my ex's mom sending her a friend request while spamming me on facebook. She somehow thinks that my ex's mother wants her to date my ex... I believe this is what she believes but I know this is not true. At least I know that my ex does not have any feelings for her, he even kind of doesn't like her... A few days ago, we were hanging out, the three of us - the one who studies abroad and my friend of 10 years and me. And the one who believes that ex's mom loves her (aka the one who studies abroad ), said "What if one of us gets married with your ex, would you be mad at us?" and I was like "i would not be mad but why do you ask something like this to me? There are so many other guys out there, why would you go and find my ex, who you got to know because of me, and marry him..." and they were like "nah, yoU're right I was just wondering". It has not even been 2 months since we broke up and I really don't want to talk about my ex and every time they say something about my ex I change the topic and they still talk about him. He was a really attractive guy and they probably liked him but anyways he lives abroad and none of us lives in the same city with him... This girl even has a boyfriend and still talks about my ex... One of the reasons why I don't want them to know my feelings is that this girl can for some reason text my ex to see how he's been doing and tell him all the stuff I've been telling her (if I did tell her); basically I don't trust her and I don't want her to go and tell him something like "she's been so upset lately she is so depressed, she couldn't get over you..." or maybe "she already found someone else". I don't trust her about all these. She did something like that to our other friend... so yeah she can obviously do such thing. So I seem to not care, they probably think that I'm over him. And yes, I am almost over him. Not fully but I am feeling much better with that breakup stuff. If I found someone who loves me and cares about me, then yes I would definitely give a chance... My mom probably has bipolar disorder, but I can't know for sure. She is sometimes super happy and then she suddenly becomes so aggressive. She once read my text messages with my ex boyfriend and threatened me about telling my dad (I even wrote a post about this a few years ago)... and once she started yelling at me and I wanted to go out and have breakfast, but she took all my money and I couldn't go out but that happened just once. She sometimes acts so weird, my dad and I just can't resist.

[Sam W]

Okay, so it sounds like it may be time to scale back how often you see certain friends, since they don't seem to be great at respecting your boundaries and you don't feel like you can trust them to not spread your business around. That doesn't mean you have to cut out those relationships entirely, but some friends work better as "low dose" friends who you only see every now and then. Do you think you could switch some of the time you would spend with them over to contacting friends you do trust or meeting new people?

It does sound like your mom's behavior is stressful on everyone in the house. And that, in terms of your long-term well being, getting out into a space of your own where you're not randomly yelled at would be a sound option. Is that something you have a plan for?

[laurabriann]

Well, my parents don't want me to live alone, yet. I'm planning to study abroad after I graduate from my current school, which will be in at least 3 years, so I will be living alone or with a friend but definitely away from my parents then. Some of my friends are moving in with their friends from college lately, but that isn't something I can make a decision about yet without asking my parents' permission since I am still financially dependent on them. Even if I was working, the salary that I could get right now would not afford moving out. So, yeah I am stuck here for 3 more years. At least it seems so
I am going to see those friends much less from now on since one of them will be back in Germany in a week and the other one is not a toxic friend but still we don't hang out that often when the other one is not around. I have a few friends from college, I am hoping to hang out with them more often from now on since my school will start in a few weeks and we'll see each other every day. Today, I hung out with my friends from high school and it was so fun and relaxing, they appreciated my decision not to talk about my ex, I basically told them what happened since I had not had the talk with them yet, and that was it, we had the talk and it was over, we talked about other things.
I have quite a few friends, that I can see more often, and maybe I should do so instead of sticking to only two. I'm feeling so tensed and stressed when I am home with my parents, especially my mom, I am much more relaxed when I am alone but when I am alone this time I feel so lonely and might get depressed or even cry. My dad is much more supportive. I really love them both, but living with my mom is not easy. Even my dad says so... I really wish I was a different person, I wish I had more friends... I was I could speak much more, I don't like talking that much, I am a good listener. I am not a flirty person, people do like me actually but it takes a little while for me to find someone attractive... One of my friends is obsessed with boys, when she is around, she always talks about how no one flirts with her, what if she is ugly etc. And you know what, nobody is flirting with me right now, but when I am alone that is totally OK, but when she is around and say such things I feel like I am ugly and that's why nobody flirts with me right now. I really am looking for a person, who will not directly flirt with me but we will first be friends first and in time we'll fall in love with each other. It sounds like a fairytale I know but that is what I want, I am so tired of always looking for someone to flirt with. Even if I am ugly, or nobody finds me attractive, I want someone special to love the real me. I am so hopeless right now, I am feeling so emotional and I've been crying when I go to bed, lately.

[Sam W]

So it sounds like moving out isn't feasible right now. But, would you want to start making plans to make it more feasible (such as finding ways to build your own accounts of money)?

I think spending more time with a wider variety of friends sounds like a great idea! Both because it will help with those feelings of isolation and connection but also because it will help you get out of the stress of your household a bit more. Too, the more time you spend around other people, the more you have a chance to practice speaking up in conversation more, which it sounds like is something you want to practice.

It may help both you (and your friend, if she's open to having it shared with her) to read a few of these pieces that talk about attraction. http://www.scarleteen.com/blog/sam_w/20 ... _and_types
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advic ... attractive
To summarize, many of us assume there is a specific set of traits that makes someone attractive vs unattractive when the reality is that what people are attracted to is incredibly diverse. That's why thinking about ourselves in terms of "ugly" or "beautiful" isn't always helpful, because it doesn't actually tell us much (and can make us feel extra crummy about ourselves to boot.). Does that make sense?

[laurabriann]

Yes, I am actually aware of the fact that being attractive isn't always related to being beautiful or ugly. I know many people who are pretty attractive physically but the conversations you have with them are not that good and you get bored after a while. Personally, I would prefer someone who is less attractive physically but much more fun, loyal, respectful, caring etc. The reason why I am feeling so lonely and as if I will never ever find someone that I feel attracted to again is because I am a kind of person that is looking for the most compatible partner and won't settle until I feel like I finally found the one. I can say that I am quite perfectionist. The thing is, unfortunately, the world we live in is not that peaceful anymore. I am talking about relationships, friendships etc. Most of my friends are constantly looking for a new partner, or some of them have pretty toxic relationships where one or both of them are cheating but still not breaking up, I only have two friends, to be honest, who are not looking for any relationship. Of course they might start a relationship when the right person comes into their lives, but what I mean is they are not searching to find one. I really don't understand why do people act as if EVERYONE should have a partner, and when you don't, they pity you. I'm sorry but this is nonsense. And most of these people do agree when I tell them not everyone should have a partner, but after a few moments they start complaining about how lonely and ugly they are and when they are talking like that around me I feel like I am worthless and ugly. I do have a friend, who has a 3 year long relationship, and her partner is cheating on her and I still can't tell her that because I am afraid of her committing suicide because she is really in love with him and constantly saying that she can't live without him (that is another thing I would like to talk to you, whether I should tell her or wait a little longer till she finds out?). And that friend of mine is continuously finding me some guys to flirt with, even though I tell her that I am not looking for someone right now... Finally I had to tell her that I was the one who broke up with the ex because I did not love him, which was not the truth but I had to say so otherwise she'd keep on finding me new people. And some of my other friends are like telling me to move on while some of them say you'll get back together and I am really tired of listening to people talking about what will happen. I started to hate my ex which is nonsense since we broke up in good terms... People make me so confused so I am planning to tell everyone that I already moved on and don't want to talk about him. Do you think I should do that? I don't want to force myself to get into another relationship without having feelings for them just to make people stop talking about this. Ahhh I really want to have someone to be FWB with and I don't want a romantic relationship. But I don't know how I can find a person who would be FWB with me
I am pretty sure that what I want is a person to hang out with every once in a while and make out.
My mom told me that I was going out so much lately and that was bothering her... I really don't know what she wants from me, I am almost 21 and I obviously want to go out with my friends...

[Heather]

Hey, Laura: the ways my eyes and brain work (a lot of people's are the same way), it's very hard for me to read giant blocks of text that haven't been broken up into smaller paragraphs, to the point I literally cannot parse them.

Can you please hop into editing mode for this last post and break it up inso a few smaller paragraphs with full breaks (that's hitting the return key twice between paragraphs)? And can you try and always do that when posting here? If you can do that, I will be able to read what you have written more often and can likely contribute/help. Thanks!

[laurabriann]

I could not find the editing mode so here I am posting the same one again! Sorry for that by the way, I'll be more careful next time.

Yes, I am actually aware of the fact that being attractive isn't always related to being beautiful or ugly. I know many people who are pretty attractive physically but the conversations you have with them are not that good and you get bored after a while. Personally, I would prefer someone who is less attractive physically but much more fun, loyal, respectful, caring etc. The reason why I am feeling so lonely and as if I will never ever find someone that I feel attracted to again is because I am a kind of person that is looking for the most compatible partner and won't settle until I feel like I finally found the one. I can say that I am quite perfectionist. The thing is, unfortunately, the world we live in is not that peaceful anymore. I am talking about relationships, friendships etc. Most of my friends are constantly looking for a new partner, or some of them have pretty toxic relationships where one or both of them are cheating but still not breaking up, I only have two friends, to be honest, who are not looking for any relationship. Of course they might start a relationship when the right person comes into their lives, but what I mean is they are not searching to find one.


I really don't understand why do people act as if EVERYONE should have a partner, and when you don't, they pity you. I'm sorry but this is nonsense. And most of these people do agree when I tell them not everyone should have a partner, but after a few moments they start complaining about how lonely and ugly they are and when they are talking like that around me I feel like I am worthless and ugly. I do have a friend, who has a 3 year long relationship, and her partner is cheating on her and I still can't tell her that because I am afraid of her committing suicide because she is really in love with him and constantly saying that she can't live without him (that is another thing I would like to talk to you, whether I should tell her or wait a little longer till she finds out?). And that friend of mine is continuously finding me some guys to flirt with, even though I tell her that I am not looking for someone right now... Finally I had to tell her that I was the one who broke up with the ex because I did not love him, which was not the truth but I had to say so otherwise she'd keep on finding me new people.

And some of my other friends are like telling me to move on while some of them say you'll get back together and I am really tired of listening to people talking about what will happen. I started to hate my ex which is nonsense since we broke up in good terms... People make me so confused so I am planning to tell everyone that I already moved on and don't want to talk about him. Do you think I should do that? I don't want to force myself to get into another relationship without having feelings for them just to make people stop talking about this. Ahhh I really want to have someone to be FWB with and I don't want a romantic relationship. But I don't know how I can find a person who would be FWB with me


I am pretty sure that what I want is a person to hang out with every once in a while and make out.
My mom told me that I was going out so much lately and that was bothering her... I really don't know what she wants from me, I am almost 21 and I obviously want to go out with my friends...