In a relationship but developed feelings for my best friend

[Herstory]

I am currently on a break with my boyfriend. We’ve had a rough patch and decided it was best to separate from each other for a while to cool off. But during this time, I got extremely close to my best friend. I always found her extremely attractive and thought she was really cool, but now I feel like the feelings I have for her are more than just platonic. She was there when I needed her, she shares a lot of the same feelings and world views as me, and she makes me feel comfortable and safe. However, I’m not sure if I just like her because I don’t feel very great in the relationship I’m currently in and she’s giving me what I lack in my current relationship. I’m a little confused and not quite sure what to do. Should I tell my boyfriend and explore these feelings with her? Should I wait to see how I feel about my boyfriend after the break? Should I just distance myself from both of them? I’m confused.

[Heather]

Generally, when you're in the thick of serious conflict in one relationship, it's not a great time to start a new one. I'd say that is especially true if the other possible relationship is a) with the person who has been your primary support around that other relationships' conflict, b) is a best friend, so changing things is high stakes, and/or c) would be a first-time for someone as a queer relationship (if that's the case for one or both of you).

How long is this break with your boyfriend for? What are you looking to find out from it?

[Herstory]

My break with my boyfriend was for a month. It's supposed to end soon. I have depression mostly due to conflicts revolving around my sexuality and it really dragged my boyfriend down, especially since he did a lot of things in a previous relationship we had that discredited my sexuality and made me feel like my pleasure didn't matter. Even though he's completely changed, certain things still trigger me. I am looking to find out if he is willing to be in a relationship with me despite my problems surrounding my sexuality and if he can actually support me through my depression.

[Heather]

Am I understanding correctly that one of these conflicts might be that you want to date women, or not be monogamous?

One thing I am also hearing in how you describe your best friend is just that it sounds like she's someone who...well, who treats you in ways that really anyone you are emotionally intimate with should be treating you, and that you feel about her -- safe, comfortable -- the way I also would hope you feel about anyone you choose to be intimate with. Are these not ways you feel with your boyfriend? It doesn't sound like it.

[Herstory]

My boyfriend and I are non monogamous. We are into group sex, but still haven't done it together yet. I'm mostly ashamed about my sexual preferences, specifically about not wanting or liking intercourse. In our last relationship, he pressured me into having it and completely discredited other forms of sex we had, even though it's what I liked, and we ended up rarely having what I wanted and only having the sex that he wanted. He's completely changed and respects my preferences now, but I still feel like I have to give him intercourse, even though he says he doesn't want it. It makes me feel uncomfortable and previous feelings of shame arise when we have sex. I also feel this pressure to have intercourse with him from society because he has a penis and I have a vagina and I feel like that's what's expected of us to do. We took a break so I could figure these feelings out and he could take a break from my depression, but I don't feel like he's been properly supporting me, especially when he can't understand or comprehend the issues I face because of my sexuality (my bisexuality, polyamory, and preference for outercourse). I feel like he can't relate to me.

[Heather]

Honestly, it sounds to me like you already know that this relationship remains a mismatch.

Knowing what you are saying here about intercourse puts your other post in a bit more context for me (and we can talk about that more in that other thread, if you like), but by this token alone, this doesn't sound like a good fit of a relationship for you. But if he wanted intercourse before (and it sounds like even coerced you into having it), and is now saying he doesn't, then for sure, it's going to be hard for you to really believe he doesn't want it so much as that he accepts you don't. And it sounds like that history -- and likely his currently still wanting it -- it going to make it pretty impossible for you to feel pressure-free about it. Plus, if you still feel you have to have intercourse with him, and then he does have intercourse with you, unless HE is doing something that HE doesn't want now, too, then obviously it's just not true he doesn't want it. It's pretty hard to kind of go along with something like it's true when, in fact, it isn't true.

But I think the bigger issue here is that you feel like he just isn't someone you can relate to. It might even be your feelings for your best friend have been so strong because of course you're going to be hungry to be close to someone you feel can understand you most of the time, so of course, when you're getting that from someone, you're going to be all over it.

It sounds like the first time around with this relationship was really crummy, to the point it may have been sexually abusive (pressuring someone into sex is sexual abuse). It sounds like the second time around may not be bad like it was the first time, but like it still isn't a good fit for you. Do you mind telling me why you think you went back to him (or was it the other way around?), and why you'd stay in this relationship this time? It sounds like there's a lot of the most basic good stuff relationships should give that it doesn't give you.

[Herstory]

He completely changed this time around because he finally dealt with a lot of the baggage that caused him to act poorly to me in the first place. Before, he was plagued by insecurities and his inability to deal with the physical, financial, emotional, and sexual abuse he suffered from his previous relationship with his ex girlfriend. He's realized a lot about his past and how it influenced him to be that way that he was. He decided that he was better than what happened to him and is now even fighting for abuse survivors by establishing programs in our college to help people like him and me who are survivors. He now respects what I want in the bedroom and even opened up to exploring things and he's really opened his mind a lot about sex. We don't have intercourse at all as he discovered he didn't really like it either and felt pressure to do it because he felt it was expected of him as a man. His ex girlfriend also would pressure him and manipulate him through intercourse, which led to a lot of the things he felt about intercourse. He's even discovered that his favorite form of sex (for now) is manual stimulation and constantly wants to explore new ways to experience pleasure outside of what society tells us to do. In addition, he discovered he was polyamorous like me and wanted to explore that as well. He's just completely flipped his life around and he is no longer the toxic, slightly abusive person that he was before, but I still get triggered and scared. I am not quite sure how to let go of the past and just live with his present self. I am also not sure how to let go of this societal expectation to constantly have intercourse, which has caused a lot of tension in our relationship. Plus, all the feelings I have about my sexuality and my depression has just made it worse.

[Herstory]

It's most frustrating when he tells me he can't relate to me when he has faced the same pressure from society to be a certain way. It's like he wants to distance himself from it and distance himself from my pain and his pain. I wish he would just listen to me and tell me that he understands because he has felt similar things instead of saying that he can't empathize or understand me. That's what my best friend does which is why I think I like her. His isolation from my issues and inability to relate makes me feel alone and like he's faced no issues even though he has. It makes it seem like he got over his trauma easily and that I should too. But I know he's not over it and neither am I. It stays with you for your whole life. You just learn how to manage it and move on, but he doesn't like saying that he was a victim like I was too. I think that's the problem.

[Heather]

I have some more I can add to this, but before I do, I just want to check in with you about something:

Do you feel like you OWE him being back in this kind of relationship because of the changes he has made? Or like you SHOULD want to be back in this with him because he has been doing those things? You say he isn't toxic and abusive anymore, but that's true about a LOT of people in the world. Just because he's not awful doesn't tell me why you want to be back with him.

Like, it doesn't actually sound like you two have been all that connected, or like you feel all that connected to him. You keep talking about all the ways you feel disconnected, and I feel like I have yet to hear you mention even one way you feel connected or you feel like your relationship with him is beneficial for you. What I'm hearing from you sounds a lot more like a sense of obligation -- like detailing all that's different about him, which almost suggests to me you might think all those things entitle him to a relationship with you.

Those changes he has made, for himself, for his own life, don't actually tell me anything about you, your feelings or what you want: they tell me a bunch of things about him, but they don't tell me much of anything about you and your motivation to be back in this kind of relationship with him.

I also want to take another shot at that question I asked, and I'd like to ask you to try and answer it by JUST talking about you and what this relationship is giving YOU. Why do YOU want to be in this? Why did you choose to go back to him and pursue this with him again (if that's how this happened), and why do you want to stay in it?

[Herstory]

We broke up. I honestly couldn’t answer you why. I don’t know why I stayed in the relationship as long as I did and why I tried to force it as much as I did. Especially knowing that I had feelings for my best friend. He hurt me a lot and it was a constant reminder of that pain being with him. I’m not quite sure why I stayed. I got back together with him I guess because I still had feelings for him and I didn’t realize how much resentment I felt towards him until we were both back together. The relationship just got progressively worse and I never felt safe and secure with him. I think that’s something I have to figure out: why I stayed despite all the signs.

[Heather]

Would you like to talk about that together? Or, right now, would you just like to take care of yourself around the breakup and grieve, if that's something you're feeling, and come back to a talk like that in time?