Boyfriend “got kissed” by a girl.

[Fender909]

Hi everyone,

I just wanted a safe spot to express my worries and thoughts on this.

Last week, my boyfriend went to a 3-day long festival about 6-8 hours away, driving. He really REALLY wanted me to come with him but I had to cancel last minute because of work.

When he got back, he seemed normal. My boyfriend is moody and quiet sometimes as it is so I didn’t notice anything. Then, a day or two after his return, he got back from work at night, layed on the bed, and called my name quietly.

I walked over and sat next to him. He was looking up at me with teary eyes and said, “I have to tell you something . . .” and my heart sank.

He told me that the first night of the festival there was a girl who had been talking to him the whole evening. They were talking about music and other interests. My boyfriend was DJing one of the events and she hung around his DJ booth the whole time. According to him, she bought him some drinks and he bought her some in return. She eventually asked him if he wanted to go outside for a cigarette. He doesn’t smoke, but he told her he’d keep her company.

They continued to chat outside when she apparently leaned and kissed him. He told me that he instantly pulled away and said, “I can’t do this, I’m in a committed relationship.” Then, he supposedly asked for a minute to himself and broke down crying outside (thinking about losing me) only for one of his friends to eventually find him and console him.

He told me that he got advice from his friends to “just be honest” with me. They also said this particular girl has been known for being “promiscuous.” This girl knew that he was in a relationship.

Anyway, it has been bothering me and I’m afraid he’s not telling the full truth. I want to feel confident he’s being entirely honest with me. I can’t stop thinking about it.

Earlier tonight, I found her social media account and bluntly asked her if she kissed my boyfriend. I have yet to receive a response.

Was it wrong of me to message her? What’s the best thing to do in this situation?

[Heather]

Hey, Fender, good to see you.

You know, I don't know that I'd say it's wrong so much as that a) it seems pretty unlikely she'll reply at all, or in a way that satisfies you, and b) it seems like it just isn't likely to deliver what you want regardless, which is to have faith/trust in your boyfriend it sounds like you don't. That's something you're only likely to get from him, himself. I think when it comes to this whole thing, you're probably best served by just working it out between the two of you, and also to not cruise this women's social media. That just seems likely to feed some jealousy and anxiety brain weasels you probably don't want to enable, you know?

In my experience, people coming directly and sharing the kind of thing he did aren't likely to do that if they're not telling the truth. After all, it seems super unlikely you would have found out at all otherwise, since the person it happened with is far outside your social circles. It sounds to me like he chose to tell you because he wanted to tell you the truth. (I would also hazard a guess some of his hard feelings might come from feeling like it's somehow his fault for talking to her, which it obviously isn't, but you might want to check in to make sure you both know that of course it's fine for you to each talk to people, and if those people making sexual or romantic overtures, of course that's not the person's fault who was just talking.) It doesn't strike me as likely he isn't being truthful here.

But it does sound like you don't believe him, and so, like there's some trust missing there. Do you want to talk about that at all?