Creeped out by myself.

[Joe]

Hello there!

I'm a 14 year old guy. For the past few months I've been pretty much depressed and completely creeped out by myself and I'm out of ideas on what do. I really just need someone to talk so I can go back to enjoying life.

(Quick Note: I suffer from GAD so i understand a lot of this may just be in my head and I could be over thinking things. And I'm very nervous talking about this because I terrified I'm going to be judged).

So for a long while I think I've been interested in bdsm. At a young age I would be fascinated when someone was tied up in film etc. And once I became a teen and was introduced into masturbation, well I think you know what happens from there. I would look at porn of it and I never really thought much of it. But up until the start of the year I was more and more disgusted with myself. And before I knew it I was just horrified. I tried telling my parents (I have a problem with telling my parents everything, I need to work on this) that i liked bdsm but they thought I was just watching porn and that my mind couldn't handle it, I guess that's true to an extent. So now I'm constantly trying not to think about it, which in turn means I think about it all day, everyday. But I swear the thought of a bdsm tool? (I don't know what they're called) can turn me on and sometimes I can't resist. But after I'm done I feel disgusted. I feel like I'm exploiting women and that I'm never going to be able to stop and I'm going to turn into some creepy perv and sexualise women all day which I desperately don't want to be.

So here we are, I'm out of ideas. I don't want anything to do with it. Is it even possible to get rid of a kink?

I'm sorry if what I'm writing doesn't make sense, as you can see I'm a mess.

[thewrit3r]

Hi,

Before I say anything else, I saw that you mentioned you have GAD. Are you receiving any treatment for it? Medication, therapy, something else? I’ve found from personal experience that mental illness doesn’t go away on its own and it really needs to be adddressed if you want to feel better. Because I think a lot of the anxiety you’re feeling will be alleviated if you can find ways to alleviate your anxiety. Questioning sexuality can be confusing and anxiety inducing and having chronic anxiety can just intensify those feelings and overwhelm you. I don’t know if that’s what happened to you but that has certainly happened to me. So getting help if you haven’t already would be my first recommendation.

I don’t want to offer you bad advice on what else you’re feeling so I’ll lwt the experts take it from here, but I want to let you know that your sexual preferences don’t make you weird and it’s nothing to be ashamed of.

[Joe]

Um, I have had therapy in the past and it has worked to an extent. I struggle to use that advice in other circumstances if you know what i mean. I refuse to use medication because I don't believe it's good for mental health. Sadly I can't really get therapy, I don't want to tell my parents any of what's going on in my head and what I looked at. They don't really like the whole idea of watching porn and stuff. I just want nothing to do with bdsm I want to stop always thinking about it and be able to get on with my life.

[Siân]

Hi ArzineusYuki,

Welcome to the boards

First off, thewrit3r has made a lot of good points, around looking after your mental health as a priority, and around your sexual preferences not making you a bad person.

When you say you can't get therapy, is that because you think you'd have to speak to your parents about why you want it? Probably, something like "I'm having problems with anxiety again and think I need some help from a therapist" would be enough. When speaking to a therapist, they should be able to keep most of your conversations confidential (private) - you can ask them about if they share anything and with whom before getting into some of these conversations if that's a concern for you.

I'm hearing a lot of fear and shame from you. Do you feel bad about having sexual feelings in general? Or about BDSM in particular? Either way, we can talk some more about these feelings. To start off though, how about taking a look at these:
BDSM fantasy: will it limit my sex life?
I worry that because I'm a man, I am going to sexually abuse someone.
Undoing Sexual Shame

What jumps out to you from these? I particularly like the point in the one about sexual shame on how educating yourself can be really useful. Learning as much as you can about healthy sexualities can help you understand how to be a considerate, respectful partner who isn't exploiting anyone - regardless of the kinds of things you might one day do together. What do you think?

[Joe]

Hi, sorry I took a while to reply.

Most of it is definitely shame. But also I hate being constantly sexually aroused. It happens all the time and it drives me nuts. I'm not really sure how to word this but I can't control when I get aroused, it can happen at any time in the day even from just my thoughts. And I constantly think I'm going to end up as some perv because I keep having sexual fantasies and it makes me really upset. I'm scared I'm turning myself into some psychopath and I sometimes just end up crying in fear. I've tried not thinking about it, accepting it but I feel so much guilt. It causes so much stress on my life. I'm not sure what to do anymore.

[Joe]

I don't want to objectify women which I kept doing.

[Alice O]

Hey ArzineusYuki,

Hope it's ok I'm jumping in here. I'm mostly going to second the great advice that thewrit3r gave. As I read your first post I noticed how much obsessive anxiety you are experiencing--this coming from someone else who is very at home with obsessive anxiety For some people, confessing the "bad" thing they've thought or done is a compulsion--it helps wipe away (temporarily) the guilt they've been feeling. It sounds like that's maybe what's happening with your parents, does that seem possible?

Like thewrit3r said, these struggles don't go away on their own, they need to be addressed with a mental health professional. Siân also had a great point--there is no need to mention to your parents that one of the main subjects you want to talk in therapy about it sex and sexuality. Sharing that you've been struggling with anxiety and obsessive thoughts, and it's started to really negatively effect your life, is 100% honest and should be enough to have them understand why therapy would be a beneficial thing in your life right now! How does that sound? (And yes, what you share with your therapist is confidential!)

One strategy you could try until you are able to meet with a therapist:
You said, "So now I'm constantly trying not to think about it, which in turn means I think about it all day, everyday." As you've noticed trying not to think about something rarely works, it usually has the opposite effect! One thing you could try is when you notice you're having a thought that makes you uncomfortable about BDSM, porn, sex, whatever it might be acknowledge it ("There my mind goes again!"), try to withhold judgement (things like "UGH!" or "I'm a psychopath!" or "UGH! I said I was going to withhold judgement but I just worried I was a psychopath UGH I can't do anything"), and then re-direct your attention (whatever you're doing, what's happening out the window, etc.). And then do this as many as times as needed! This might sound like a simple exercise but it's actually really tricky and takes lots of practice, so rather than viewing each unwanted thought as an intrusion, you can view it as more opportunities for helpful practice! This is mostly grounded in Buddhist meditation exercises, but are also often used in Western therapy. Let me know if you try it and how it goes?