asexuality and dating advice

[Planet4]

I need some relationship/interacting with people advice.

I'm not asexual, but a few months ago I went on a few dates with someone who was and developed a major crush on him. He let me know he was asexual early on, and it didn't bother me. But a few weeks later we were cuddling and kissed for the first time, he brought it up again cause I "seemed really into it" (kissing). I questioned him about what asexuality meant to him in particular, and he said the idea of sex gives him anxiety and he's not interested in it. I said it wasn't a deal breaker for me, but that to be honest kissing him made me aroused. Later he texted me and said that we shouldn't date because he is asexual, even though he had a big crush on me. I would rather have him in my life than a friend than not at all, so I tried to keep things on good terms and I think that's going well. But I still have a crush on him, and my friends told me I wasn't being upfront when I used terms like "deal breaker" that have negative connotations, and I did act like how I thought I was "supposed to" (how I've seen guys act with me) even though I'm actually not super interested in sex most of the time, I really just want a relationship with mostly non-sexual physical affection.

So I have friends saying I should tell him that, but since that was a while ago now, I feel like that could be manipulative. Like I don't want to argue that someone should date me if they don't want to. He said his main reason for not wanting to date was that him being asexual in a relationship with a sexual person made him anxious. He had a relationship in high school with another trans guy who wasn't ace, and he thought it went well, but then after that relationship ended the guy he dated went on to have sexual partners and he felt guilty, like he had been holding back that person's sexuality. When he said that, I tried to say that's not exactly how it works, but he said regardless of whether his fears are rational he still feels anxious. I really, really don't want him to feel anxious and I don't want to date him if it's anxiety-inducing for me.

Should I just try to get over him and never bring this stuff up? Or should I have a conversation about this? I want to be honest and and still want to date him if he wants to date me, but I also don't want to be manipulate or drag up stuff that doesn't need to be dragged up. I have been told to bring it up by friends, but they are inexperienced with dating and I want to be respectful.

[Siân]

Hi Planet4,

Welcome to the boards!

It sounds like you're working hard to be considerate here Let's break this down a little. Some ace people do date sexual people and have happy, healthy relationships with them, others prefer not to. There is no blanket rule here - it's really down to what's right for the people involved. In part, it requires A LOT of communication about what kinds of touch and physical affection each person is into, what is sexual for different people, and how to work with feelings of arousal.

With this person, it sounds like you and your behaviours weren't the problem, so much as the fact of being in a relationship with someone who is sexual. It can suck when we're crushing on someone who isn't a good fit for us, but it sounds like the respectful thing to do here is to recognise the line that this guy drew when he said that you shouldn't date - whatever the reason. Maybe at some point they will be ready to talk about and explore ways to manage or alleviate their anxiety about this, and by all means let him know you're open to talking but let him come to you if and when he chooses. In the meantime, go focus on other things you're excited about for a while! What do you think?

[Planet4]

I think that's wiser advice than what my friends said. I think I posted this question because I doubted their advice, so I'm glad I got another opinion to confirm that doubt.
I'm just going to leave the whole thing alone for now unless he specifically brings it up.

Thanks!