Confused with sexuality

[js2022]

Hi, so I am a 15 year old male who’s really confused with my sexuality (or asexuality). I am turned on to women gaining weight but inly from skinny to chubby I guess. Im not turned on by women getting very heavy. Seeing a chubby women does not turn me on, but the process of her gaining weight to that point does. I’ve had this feeling since I was around 12 and haven’t really noticed it until now. I hate having this fetish(?) and try not to think about it. The problem is im not turned on by porn either. I definitely find girls attractive and have things I prefer in their features yet im not turned on by them naked or whatever. It’s very weird because I enjoy watching porn but im not turned on by it. Seeing a chubby women in real life or someone stuffing their face doesn’t turn me on either. Once in a while I can get hard from thinking about a hot girl in some way but its much easier from thinking about some video I watched. Honestly I hate this fetish and think its disgusting and wish I was turned on by sex or something. It really stresses me out and causes me to think about it all the time. I dont know if that makes me asexual or what. Don’t really know what the question im really just asking for some way to cope with this or to have it further explained to me. Thanks!

[Jacob]

Hi js,

I would call these images that turn you on fantasies. Fantasies are things you are fee to enjoy, they don't have to have any relation to what you like to do or see in real life, they don't even have to make sense. They are just some thoughts that cue nice feelings for you! I don't see anything disgusting about that.

I also don't think it's problematic to not enjoy partnered sex or the thought of any types of sex. That might just be a fact of how you experience life, especially right now... and as you mention, there are plenty of people for whom asexuality is a big part of their identity.

Pressuring ourselves to enjoy the things we think we should, or to suppress the fantasies or thoughts, is really just a way of telling ourselves that we aren't entitled to our own thoughts, or pleasure... and sometimes makes being in our own heads even more frustrating.

And to quote one of our articles: "Trying to stop or shut down hard or uncomfortable thoughts or feelings: not only does that not tend to work, and can even make those feelings or thoughts stronger, letting those thoughts or feelings out is really the way to go to best process and sort through them. You need to let those thoughts and feelings be what they are and accept them." from: Self-Care a La Carte

A bit of self acceptance around our fantasies and orientation, can help us feel more relaxed, and also can make way for how our sexualities and personalities can develop and change over time.