was it assualt?

[cardiff1]

My boyfriend and I drank and then as i got quite drunk we went to go to sleep. As we went to bed we started to fool around by kissing and by me touching him. We continued doing this until my roommate wanted to come in and talk. So we all sat on our bed and then we talked together until i slept. I was sleeping until i felt someone touching my body and then touching those body parts. I was shocked so couldn't say anything or move for a while. He kept on going until i slightly moved away and made sounds. Then he started doing this again and again and again. I asked if anything happened but he just said that we fooled around before my roommate came in and then we fell asleep. I then thought that i may have dreamt about this as I have been raped before and sometimes have dreams about that night. I then just moved on until I just couldn't get the feeling away that sometime had happened. I confronted him about this and he said that he did touch me but he thought i was asleep and as I touched him he wanted to touch me. Is this assault?

[Jacob]

Hi cardiff1,

I'm so sorry this happened. If I understand correctly, and he says he touched you while knowing you were asleep, then that means you weren't able to consent and that is assault.

I'm also really concerned that he lied about it and when he did eventually tell you what happened he tried to justify it by saying it was because you had touched him when you were awake, essentially putting the blame on you. That is another hurtful thing to do.

I'm glad you felt able to follow your instincts and question things further. Your reactions make total sense.

Have you thought about what you would like to do next?

[cardiff1]

I am not sure what I should do..

[Jacob]

That's ok. There's no obligation 'do' anything right away if you aren't sure.

From here, perhaps the main thing is thinking about what you need to be safe and happy.

It doesn't sound like this relationship is something that is helping you feel either of those things.

Do you guys spend a lot of time together?

I'm wondering how difficult it might be to make sure you have space away from him right now.

Also, this sounds like a good time to have the support of friends and supportive people around you. Do you have anyone you can talk to?

[cardiff1]

Well he has finished his studies and now has gone back home as he was an international student. Because of this, I have not been able to have some time with him in person.

Yes i do have good friends around me but haven't yet had the courage to ask for help

[Jacob]

It's not easy to ask for help, even from the most supportive people. I think you have a lot of courage getting to this point, and coming here to ask our support.

With him not being around, maybe that can be a good thing if you want to focus on yourself.

Are you going to see your friends soon? Maybe asking them if you can talk about things can help you ease into it? There might be one friend that comes to mind. You don't have to go into any details you're not comfortable with. All you're asking is if they can be with you. I'm guessing they would be warm and welcoming to a friend who needs their love and support.

[cardiff1]

Thank you for your advice. I will try and talk to my friend

[Jacob]

No worries! I hope it goes well!