Mutual Sexual Satisfaction Woes

[roxfoxreal]

Hey all! I was wondering how to put my sexual needs and desires first so that I can enjoy a healthy sex life. I am (still) a virgin but am seriously considering sex and from my understanding of heterosexual sexual encounters (especially first time ones) that the women’s pleasure isn’t really considered. I hear often that the real focus is almost always on the male’s pleasure, and while that’s okay, I also want to make sure that my own pleasure is equally thought of. I don’t want to have sex if I am not going to get anything enjoyable out of it. I was wondering how I should broach the subject of him satisfying me. I’ve done my fair share of research on what to expect and how to do things to satisfy him (ie. how to perform sex acts like blowjobs and such) and I expect him to do the same. Is it rude for me to send him articles on how to please a woman? Is that too presumptuous of me? I want to be considerate of his feelings (and ego because let’s face it he’s a teenage guy) but I also am afraid that he is not going to do any sort of foreplay and just jump right in to satisfy his own needs without considering mine.

[Heather]

Hey there. Happy to talk about this with you, but I’m not totally clear: is the “he” in this someone you know and are already involved with, or are you talking abstractly, about any or every potential guy?

Also, you titled this as being about woes: is this something already happening? Your post makes it sound like it isn’t, but the title sounds like it is.

[roxfoxreal]

The “he” I am referring to is someone I know and am involved with. We haven’t actually had the chance to have sex yet but whenever we talk about it or sext he seems pretty focused on his wants and needs. So it is already happening in a way just not physically yet if that makes any sense. I’m sorry for it being so confusing!

[Mo]

Ok. In that case, when you're talking about sex, that's something to bring up with him! We actually have an article about how to talk to a partner about sex here: Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner
I think that it's going to be more helpful for you to talk more about what sorts of sexual activities sound appealing to you, rather than sending him some article with generic sex tips; there's no guarantee that what's outlined in that article will even be something you'll enjoy! A large part of sex with a new partner (whether or not you've had sex with other people before) is learning what they like and communicating with your partner about what feels good to you, and what you're excited about trying.

If he isn't receptive to the idea that you have your own sexual desires, that's likely a sign that he isn't in the right mindset to have sex with a partner right now. It's one thing for him to get caught up in excitement about sex and focus on his own pleasure due to that, but if you remind him that sex would involve TWO people, not just him, and he doesn't change his focus at all, then he isn't likely to be a great sexual partner for you.

[Heather]

I was going to say: I feel like if and when we ever have the sense from the front that someone seems like they're going to be a selfish sexual partner, or someone otherwise focused only or mostly on themselves, the best tactic is usually just to figure we probably shouldn't pursue that person AS a sexual partner. In other words, that we should just figure that until/unless that person sounds like they're changing their tune with that, they're just not a good choice as someone to be sexual with.

You asked about sending articles and such: you could do that, but IMHO, needing to school someone before you are even sexual with them about how to just be a basically considerate human in bed not only is just a bit of a red flag in my book, but also is NOT probably something that feels particularly sexy to you, you know?

Why not instead wait to choose partners to be sexual with who seem, right from the front, like they have the emotional maturity and the kind of interest and investment in their partner's pleasure and other needs, instead of looking to try and "fix" or school somebody who you get the sense clearly lacks those things or that readiness? I'd trust your gut and your own observations here. If it says he's not ready for this jelly, believe it and let this one keep baking, if you follow me, instead of taking him out of the oven too soon.