Masturbation Addiction I think?

[Joe]

Hi all me again.

For a while I think I've been suffering from masturbation addiction. At least for a year now I've really struggled with it. I just can't stop. I have to do it at least once a day and it makes me quite miserable. I've tried asking friends on advice but they say just don't do it. But it's not a case of just stopping yourself, once I'm in the mood I genuinely can't resist and it's taking a toll on my mind.

Any advice would be very helpful.
Thanks in advance!

[Siân]

Hi again ArzineusYuki,

So ideas about being "addicted to sex" come out a lot in the media but they are pretty scare-mongering and unhelpful. Generally, at Scarleteen we wouldn't say you're addicted to masturbation or to sex. Some people do struggle with compulsive behaviour around this though, and that's something we can talk about.

(Heather outlines the difference between ideas about addiction and compulsion nicely here: Are we addicted to sex?)

Usually, if someone told me they masturbated every day, even more than once a day, I wouldn't think that's a problem. As long as it's not interfering with other things like your social life or school work that's ok. It sounds like you find it distressing though, so I wonder why that is? Is it linked to the feelings of shame we've talked about before? Or more because you feel like you can't stop?

[Joe]

HI Siân,

It doesn't generally interfere with my social life. I understand my compulsion has a lot to do with puberty and the fact teenagers can have a high sex drive (to my knowledge).

I definitely think it has a lot to do with my previous guilt to bdsm which I'm starting to get a grips with, I've had my ups and downs with it since the last time I posted. But mostly ups.

[Sam W]

If you tend to have a higher interest in sex, then it certainly would make sense that you'd find yourself wanting to masturbate often. As Sian said, there's nothing inherently wrong with masturbating everyday. However, you mention it is making you "miserable." Is it the act itself that leaves you feeling that way? Or is it more to do with guilt or shame over wanting to masturbate in the first place?

[Joe]

Hey Sam sorry for the late reply I've been a bit busy.

I'm not going to hide the fact that I'm still struggling with bdsm. I do feel very dirty after masturbating to bdsm material. I can't get the thought of what people would think if they knew I masturbated to it and it really eats me up. I keep thinking I'm objectifying women because of this, when I know I respect women. I have a lot of friends who are girls (sadly I've never had a girlfriend but I'm still trying). It's a constant cycle and I need to get out of this cause it's real unhealthy.

I'm definitely in a much better place than I was and I have this site to thank for it. It's just some lingering thoughts I need to tackle before I let it get worse and I'll be back at where I started.

[Sam W]

Got it, I'm glad that this site has been helpful for you It may be helpful, at this point, to think about what steps you can take to try and shake off that guilt or break that cycle of shame. For instance, some people may need to speak to a sex positive therapist to work through their feelings, others may need to read books that portray BDSM, and sexual desire in general, in a positive and realistic light, and others may need another approach entirely. What do you think would be helpful for you (you don't have to answer right away if you need some time to think about it)?

[Joe]

Yet again sorry for the late reply I needed to think. (I know dwelling on it is kinda unhealthy). I'm not sure therapy isn't generally an option for me right now. I do research to expand my knowledge. I even watched the first fifty shades to understand what not to do (I mean that was borderline abuse). Yesterday was a really good day for me because I just stopped thinking about it. And if it appeared in my head I just somehow stopped. And today I decided to masturbate to bdsm today and I went back to feeling bad again. Why am I happier when I'm not looking at it? I thought I got over a lot of my anxiety but all I ever do is dwell on things. I'm a complete wreck at the moment, I go from fine to feeling bad constantly.

[Heather]

You know, if you're happier not having it be part of your life -- even though it would be okay if it was -- why not go with that? In the meantime, you might be able to identify why it results in you feeling so bad but also turns you on, perhaps enough to start working through some of that so that this can be something you can go back to, and without feeling bad about it, if it's something you do actually like.

Certainly, it sounds like a larger issue of general anxiety is also a problem here, but that's one that you'll need to seek out qualified help for. Unfortunately, we can't do a whole lot for people with general anxiety through our services. Sorry about that.

[Joe]

I'm not sure. I feel like I've been happier trying to learn to understand it. Trying to have it not be apart of my life was very difficult, I forced myself to block it out and that resulted in quite a few panic attacks. I know that's what turns me on but I can't really stop myself from being turned on by it. I'm really not sure what to do. I've had the therapy and it worked, twice. But needing it a third time shows I haven't learnt to deal with my anxiety. Plus this is very different to the last two times I've felt bad.

[Joe]

Maybe I should take a break from it?

[Joe]

I feel like if I take a break I'll just keep thinking about it because that's what happened last time. Why can't I just accept what I like and get on with my life.

[Mo]

It's pretty common for therapy to not just "work" permanently; a lot of people find treating anxiety to be an ongoing process. Sometimes you learn strategies for dealing with anxiety that work well for some issues but not others, or anxiety worsens and you need to reasses how to treat it. It sounds like you're saying this feels a bit different from the other times you've sought out therapy, so it seems reasonable that you might not be able to deal with your feelings the same way you have before.

You could try taking a break from focusing on BDSM while masturbating, if you want, but it sounds like that's been pretty stressful for you when you've tried it in the past. You mentioned watching the Fifty Shades movie for information on how not to structure a BDSM relationship, but do you have some positive examples on hand, too? Would it be helpful to incorporate some of these positive dynamics into your fantasies, so you have a framework of consent in mind? I don't know if that would make a difference in how you feel afterwards or not, but it might be worth experimenting with that a little.

[Joe]

I didn't really say it correctly with therapy. I learnt how to deal with my current struggles through therapy. With this I'm more learning things about myself and the anxiety doesn't help of course. I don't really have positive examples. I guess porn in a sense, ( My parents put a lock on it because they believe I don't understand it. Which is true to some extent). This going to be hard to say outloud. I look at bondage on things like instagram on a private account, I understand these images are consent based but for some reason I keep thinking it's wrong to look at them. I keep trying to think of them positively but my brain struggles with that. I think I'm creepy for looking at these images and this is where the sex shame comes from.

I hope this helps you to help me. Sorry if this makes no sense I'm writing this of the top of my head.

[Sam W]

We may have touched on this before, but when you start having those shame or guilt feelings, do you find yourself able to use techniques from therapy to help you cope with them?

In terms of positive examples, it might help to scale back to reading about sex positivity and how that applies to things like BDSM and other desires, to help you start shifting some of the mental frameworks that are causing you shame. Is that something you're interested in trying?

[Joe]

I mean sure, I'm open to anything at this point.

Something I try is reminding myself that all these negative thoughts are in my head. I try my best to stay positive to block out these thoughts. Going back to my thoughts of masturbation addiction. I kept thinking about it negatively which in turn made me feel shame about masturbation and bdsm.

Do you happen to have any sources for sex positivity?

Again, thanks for all this support. This site has helped me improve immensely.

[Sam W]

You're very welcome! I think the more you can apply the tools you've picked up in therapy, the more you'll be able to break or at least decrease those negative or shameful feelings and thoughts.

As for sex positivity, some of the books in this list might be of interest to you: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/etc/s ... lity_canon. I also like "Doing it Right" by Bronwen Pardes, and the writing of people like Carol Queen (who was a very early presence in the sex positive movement).