Scarleteen

Six months ago, almost to the day, I was sexually assaulted. The words “sexual assault” sting at my core. I’ve known them much of my life as I was trafficked during my childhood, but this incident was different. The damage done was much more significant. I went to the hospital after the assault, knowing something was majorly wrong. I had a procedure done in the ER to repair the damage that was evident, and I left hoping to move on with my life. I followed up with my gynecologist three days later, presenting with problems by which she severely alarmed. The next day I was wheeled into surgery to have five internal lacerations repaired with over 25 stitches. I was mortified to hear of this when I awoke from the surgery. I was supposed to have a follow-up after the surgery, but never made the appointment; it simply felt like too much emotionally.

I have moved on with my life, trying to put this all behind me. However, I now have the complete inability to wear a tampon; it is insanely painful. I do not know whether this is emotional pain that leads to physical pain or if the pain is simply of physical origin. My concern here is I am a young adult who hopes to someday get married and have joyful, extravagant sex with the one whom I love... but if I can’t even handle a tampon at my own hands, how will I ever handle intercourse, with someone else in control? Yes, I know in a loving, committed relationship, there is a trust that helps, but that all feels mind-boggling right now. My friend has recommended seeing a gynecologist, but having recently moved means finding a new doctor... again... and that feels daunting. I also just don’t know if they’d be able to do anything.

On a possible TMI note, I have done a “little” exploring down there, and have found that some places are extraordinarily tender and sensitive and some places have absolutely no feeling. Prior to this most recent assault, I never ventured to my nether regions, but since the surgery, I can visibly and physically tell things are and feel different, so I wanted to know what the different sensations were and are. Are these sensations normal? Again, this is all new territory to me, so maybe it is normal and I just have had no idea!

Rach: I'm glad you found us. I'm so sorry that this has been part of your life experience, but I am so glad you have survived it. I'm also glad to hear you wanting to stake a claim on pleasure in your life. Surviving abuse certainly doesn't mean we don't get to have that. We almost always still can.

I'd not make assumptions about your experiences with tampons being equivalent to your possible experiences with sex -- intercourse or otherwise -- with a partner. The only thing those two things really have in common are that they involve your vagina. Otherwise, they're such radically different things that figuring your body will have the same response to them just doesn't seem sound to me. Mind you, you might. But you also might not, both due to the passage of time, them being such different things and, ideally, some help you can get in the meantime. So, do try not to stress or go to worst-case scenarios: you don't need that, you know?

By all means, I do think that an OB/GYN appointment is a very good idea. They are going to be able to get you started on figuring out how much of this is physical, how much is emotional, and then what you can do about it. That might mean physical treatment. It might instead mean therapy or other kinds of emotional help. It might mean both, it might mean neither. But at least finding out how much of this is physical and how much emotional is important, especially since treatment or approaches for one source of vaginal pain or discomfort can be really wrong for others, potentially even making them worse.

How do you feel about seeking that kind of care out? Know that you can usually make a consultation appointment first, where you do NOT have any physical exams, but can just talk to the provider, screening them to see if you feel safe with them, and letting them know what the issue is. You can also ask them, if you want, what they do to make exams comfortable for survivors. And in the event that at that appointment you realize you do feel okay about an exam, they can often go ahead and do one anyway.

For sure it's normal for some areas of the vulva and vagina to be more sensitive than others. Some of that is about where the bigger bundles of nerve endings are in that anatomy in general, other parts of that are personal and individual, and some of it also might be one way for you now with masturbation this year, but feel totally different, say, years down the road with some kind of sex with a partner.

I’m glad to hear that you think my inability to wear a tampon will not determine my future ability to have sex... right now, to me, it feels as though it will dictate things... but thank you for the reassurance.

I have a treatment team lined up here; I start seeing them in just under a week. I think getting back into therapy will be crucial before seeing a gynecologist again, because those visits always wreck me emotionally for a week or so.

I’ve never considered seeing a gynecologist and just “getting to know them” at the first visit.... what a concept! Definitely a good idea since I’ll be finding a new doctor.

Masturbation is completely out of the picture... I cannot even fathom that right now. It’s simply too scary to consider a pleasurable experience; however, I think a lot of that is because so much down there sill hurts so significantly with even the slightest touch, both externally and especially internally.

Tampon issues really aren't usually a canary in a coal mine with this stuff, so no, I really don't think that itself -- or sexual trauma, even with physical injury -- predicts anything around partnersex. I'd encourage you to try not to get your head hung up on that it is, especially since our mindsets usually have a lot of influence over our bodies, you know?

I agree, starting with mental healthcare seems the best order for all this. You can ask them, too, about a GYN appointment and preparing for it.

It's okay if you're not feeling it with masturbation now (or any time you're not). It's also okay not to be feeling it with any kind of sex, also now or ever. I say that in part because sometimes if we're worried about being able to be sexual with others in a big way like you are, sometimes there are also some myths at play -- like that being sexually normal means we can't sometimes want sex and sometimes not, or have bodies that might need specific things for sex to work for us at any point in life -- that can add even more pressure there while brining no benefit.

I also spaced giving you some anatomical info per your last question in the first post. Here are a couple pieces I think might be useful to you: Innies & Outies: The Vagina, Clitoris, Uterus and More and With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body.

Can I help you out with anything else today?