Scarleteen

Hi again,

I have kind of a random question having to do with personal boundaries. I know that everybody has their own boundaries involving their personal space and bodies. But what about when someone's boundaries are violated by somebody who did not know the person had these particular boundaries?

I am asking this question because of two experiences I remember having when I was younger. I believe I was around 10 and 12 (give or take), respectively.

The first memory is a little blurry, but I am pretty sure took place at a grocery store. I know I was standing in line, one of my parents was close by and this guy behind me in line reached both his arms almost completely around my hips and said something like "Your belt is missing some loops. Do you want me to get it?" I said something like "No, I'll get it, thanks." he removed his hands, and I fixed my belt.

The second one I remember more clearly. I was at the dry cleaners getting a top taken in. The seamstress (a woman) was pinning the top when she stopped, reached around me and undid my belt. As she removed my belt said that my it was missing some loops. Without asking, she took the belt out and fixed it so that it was through all of the loops. I just stood there, didn't really say anything, just "oh" and let her do it.

I didn't feel super uncomfortable, but I don't know, I feel that it is a little weird that two complete strangers did, or attempted to do the exact same thing. Now, granted they were not aware that I would have preferred them not to do that. But, I feel that since they were strangers, and therefore did not know, they should not have even attempted it.

I guess I have 4 questions: (wow that's a lot)

I know it is my body, my boundaries, but since they didn't know, am I overreacting?

Is this normal?

Is there some unspoken rule that it is ok to do something like this if you are trying to help someone?

How should one navigate physical contact with someone else, especially someone they don't really know, when they don't know their boundaries?

Thanks Everybody!

-Genie

I think both of those strangers were being inappropriate. In the case of the seamstress I can see how fixing your belt might have felt normal for her, since she was already in your personal space pinning your shirt, and she is in people's 'bubbles' all day long (I'm guessing) measuring and pinning etc. But she was working on your shirt so I can see why it could have been surprising/uncomfortable for her to all of a sudden go for your belt. As for the man in the grocery store..that is just creepy gross behavior on his part. Nobody (man OR woman OR other) should be touching a kid like that, period. I'm sorry both of those things happened to you.

As for how to navigate boundaries without having a conversation with every person you meet, I'm not entirely sure myself. I tend to err on the side of 'touch nobody, ever' but I am told I come across as standoffish. I think that some of it depends on where you are. For instance in the part of the US where I'm from (not sure where you are) I think it is generally accepted that touching somebody on the arm if you are having a conversation and feel like you're connecting with them, is ok. Obviously that might be a problem for some people, and that does not make those people the problem, but touching on the arm is not generally seen as sexual or extremely intimate, so people assume it's an ok way to express affection. Same goes for hugging when you are seeing somebody you haven't seen in a long time.

Hey everyone,

Just wanted to give you an update.

Today, at college I had an interaction similar to the ones I described however, I feel that this was handled in the correct way.

I was sitting in class (its a lecture hall with chairs attach a big table that acts like desks. There are many rows each one close behind the other). A girl sitting behind me politely said "Excuse me" and then told me that the top button of my dress (in the back) was undone. She asked me "Do you want me to do it for you?" I was eating and my hands were greasy, so I said yes. I sat back in my chair so she could reach and she closed the button. I said "Thank you", she "No Problem" and then class started. No weirdness, no boundaries crossed, nothing. Just friendliness and politeness.

Just wanted to let you know that I felt that this interaction was totally opposite and the way to handle it correctly. Just ask. Its as simple as that.

Thanks everybody!

Genie <3

It's definitely helpful when someone asks first before making personal contact.