How can I internalize the difference between types of intimacy?

[atleastimtrying]

Hi Scarleteen. I'm a 16 year old guy, and I have spent the vast majority of my life without any people my age to be intimate with. I had friends (all of them guys) but they weren't people I could talk to about how I felt at all. That changed over the past year or so, when I got involved in a program that introduced me to an awesome group of kids. I had finally found people I could be honest to about myself without the fear and pressure I hadn't even realized was weighing me down. Not coincidentally, they were also my first real girl friends.

As for intimacy in terms of sex, I'm also pretty inexperienced. That's something that hasn't changed over the past year; never kissed, never had a girlfriend, any of that. As much as I try to stay positive and look to the future, as much as I tell myself that my value shouldn't come from some ridiculous ideal of sexual conquest, I can get pretty unhappy about it sometimes.

Unfortunately, those two things, intimacy in the form of friendship and intimacy in the form of sex, have been confusing for me. I try not to be ashamed of it because it's probably mostly just because I'm a horny teenager, but I still feel like I might lack a basic understanding of intimacy, like I missed out somewhere along the way.

I tend to become infatuated with girl friends I've had intimate conversations with, to the point where I question whether I can even do a real platonic friendship with a girl. I also go from genuinely confessing feelings so I can get them off my chest to using them as a way to get attention from girls I'm interested in. I send heartfelt texts far more to girls I'm interested in than ones I'm not, and it feels like I'm leveraging one type of intimacy in the hopes of getting another. It's honestly disturbing, and I feel like I'm hurting existing friendships. But I'm also scared to stop, because I don't know how to stop without stopping intimate conversation with girls altogether. And that would mess me up even worse.

I'm just not sure how to get myself out of this rut because I feel so entangled already. How can I be a better friend? How can I stop conflating sexual intimacy with other types of intimacy? How can I be more comfortable with my own sexual history?

[Sam W]

Hi atleastimtrying,

You're certainly not the first person to struggle with sorting out whether the intimacy you experience with someone is romantic or not. A lot of people, young men in particular, grow up with the message that intimacy and romance are one in the same, and it can take time to unlearn that idea. It can also be tricky because sometimes non-romantic intimacy can develop into something more romantic, although it sounds like for you it does so very easily and without a lot of signs from the other person that there's romantic interest on their end.

You've already taken a big step in untangling those ideas by noticing the pattern and looking for ways to change it. One of the things you can try is, when you notice yourself falling into these patterns, pause and take a step back to look at why you're about to do a certain thing. For example, you could pause to think about whether you're sending a text because the girl you're talking to is a close friend and this is something friends talk about, or because you're hoping it will up your chances of a romantic relationship. If it's the second reason, then you can take a second to reevaluate what you want to say and why you want to say it . Does that make sense?

When you say you want to be more comfortable with your sexual history, are you referring to your feelings of being behind the curve in some way due to your not having much experience?

[atleastimtrying]

For example, you could pause to think about whether you're sending a text because the girl you're talking to is a close friend and this is something friends talk about, or because you're hoping it will up your chances of a romantic relationship. If it's the second reason, then you can take a second to reevaluate what you want to say and why you want to say it . Does that make sense?

When you say you want to be more comfortable with your sexual history, are you referring to your feelings of being behind the curve in some way due to your not having much experience?

Ya, that does make sense. I think I've been moving toward being more conscious of that, so I'll just keep trying to stay aware of my intentions. And yes, I want to be more comfortable with not having much experience compared to most of my friend group, male and female. I think that dissatisfaction is part of why I'm having trouble enjoying friendships as they are, and I definitely don't think trying to "satisfy myself" by pursuing sex is a good solution.

[Mo]

When it comes to thinking about intimacy in all its forms, we have a piece about intimacy and how to approach it that I think might be a helpful read.

[atleastimtrying]

When it comes to thinking about intimacy in all its forms, we have a piece about intimacy and how to approach it that I think might be a helpful read.

Reading it actually prompted this post. I did find it quite helpful understanding intimacy in general, but most of its advice regarding building healthy intimacy talks about avoiding certain behaviours and just giving things time. I was hoping for more specific help climbing out of the hole I've dug in terms of my own intimacy, and I don't know if avoiding things or waiting them out will be enough.

[Mo]

Got it! That makes a lot of sense.
I think the idea Sam had about pausing to examine your actions when you aren't sure what your motivations are is a good step. Building intimacy with other people can involve some waiting, in that it often takes some time for mutual trust and comfort to develop between two people. Sometimes it can help to see how the other person's responding and think about matching their pace, if you're at intimacy level 10 (share everything!!!) and they're at a level 3 (start to open up a little), or vice-versa.

I have found that sometimes, getting to know people better can actually help cut down on the infatuation situation. When you have a lot of people you know a little bit, it's easy for them to feel like a perfect match, or to have an airbrushed or idealized view of them; learning more about them can turn them more from an idea to a persion, if that makes sense. I'm someone who tends to get a lot of crushes and can fall for people really quickly, so this is something I've had to do in my own life! I enjoy getting excited about new people and feeling attraction, but sometimes I have to really focus on not getting lost in infatuation before I really know someone very well.
As you get to know these new friends better, you may well still feel attracted to some of them, and that's fine! But it might feel like a deeper or more genuine attraction, based on what you've come to learn about them.

[atleastimtrying]

I have found that sometimes, getting to know people better can actually help cut down on the infatuation situation. When you have a lot of people you know a little bit, it's easy for them to feel like a perfect match, or to have an airbrushed or idealized view of them; learning more about them can turn them more from an idea to a persion, if that makes sense.

This is a really good point. Its something I'm going to need to think about more, because a lot of idealization goes into these crushes. Thanks!

[Mo]

You're welcome!