Inexperience, doubts...Strung along?

[Hollytiger]

Hello. Thanks in advance for reading this.

To give you some background, I have only ever been in one relationship in my life. I am 25 and feel pretty inexperienced with romantic and sexual relationships. I ended my first relationship in 2016, and in an unexpected turn of events met someone new this August. We’ve been seeing each other often as we both live in the same town, and tend to hang out every weekend.

He has much more “life experience”, I think, than I do. He is 30 and has been through a divorce in the past, so I try to be cognizant of how that must affect him. It has been 3 months since we started dating, and I think I made some regretful choices that complicated matters. The truth of it is, I agreed to have sex back in September. It was my first time, and I attach a lot of guilt and shame to it now (which I made a separate thread about).

I worry that he is stringing me along. That he just hangs out with me because I’m readily available while he still looks for someone “better”. You see, when we go out, he tends to dance with other people…a lot. I have to try really hard to get his attention. In the beginning this wasn’t an issue. But as time goes on, I feel like he’s taking me for granted. I sometimes try to address this, and ascertain what our relationship is and where it’s going, but he always just insists “we are still dating and getting to know one another”.

I feel like I invested too much too quickly. Especially giving up my first time to him so early. At the same time, I feel “crazy” or “needy” because it has only been 3 months which really isn’t a lot of time in the scheme of things. I’m worried to keep bringing up these subjects with him again, because I don’t want him to think badly of me. I feel constantly in the dark and find him hard to read emotionally.

Otherwise, we have many many common interests and have a lot of fun together. Maybe I’m just scared of losing him, but I’d like to try to keep having a relationship with this person. I just worry that all the power is in his court and I’m just waiting around for the answer from him, instead of being able to make up my own mind and either keep waiting or walk away.
What does one do, in determining whether you’re being “strung along” or simply taking it slow? I’m very confused and it’s all causing more stress than good times.
Thanks again.

[Heather]

I'm really glad you made a thread for this, Hollytiger. Glad to see you centering on what you want!

So, I have some things I can offer around this, but before I do that, I think it would be helpful (for us both!) to get a sense of what you feel like you need when it comes to all of this. What do you think might change how you feel, and leave you feeling more secure in this relationship? What do you think might change it so you do not worry he's just waiting for something better? What do you think could change with your communication together so you don't feel like you have to keep trying to read him, but instead, know what he's thinking and feeling more clearly? Lastly, what do you think might leave you feeling like you have more power and equity in the relationship?

[Hollytiger]

Hi Heather,

Thanks for your reply. Once again your questions are very insightful and I truly appreciate your willingness to help. On a related note, I find the sensitive but non-judgmental quality of all of your writing really refreshing. Very glad to be here.

When I read your questions centering on security, the first thing I think of is the label. Somehow, I believe I would feel more secure in this relationship with a "girlfriend/boyfriend" label to things. It's probably immature of me, but I somehow feel that would grant the relationship a level of commitment and take it out of the realm of casual. Or (in my mind, personally) the dreaded Friends With Benefits situation.

There's nothing anyone but this person can do about it, but I wish he'd talk to me more. We used to be in communication a lot more often when we first met and the weeks thereafter. I can see how that must be a normal progression for relationships, but it kind of stung to realize I'm suddenly always the one to initiate contact (through text/social media) these days. Perhaps I am just overthinking it and he is just not a person who uses texting very often. But that decrease in communication makes me guess that I'm starting to be taken for granted. Or even becoming boring.

I'm sitting here and thinking about your questions, and after I write this I want to let the thoughts you raise kind of wash over me for more consideration. I think a big part of this is my anxiety level and negative emotional states. So once I can manage those things better, perhaps I will be able to see him and his actions or inactions in a more positive light.

I believe I'll need to approach these situations with him in the future with more confidence and assertiveness. I'm somewhat timid personality-wise and tend to fall back into a submissive state in many aspects of my life. It's just how I'm used to functioning. But you know - just having someone raise the idea of power/equity in a relationship is strangely empowering. You've given me a lot to think about.

[Heather]

Thanks for your reply. Once again your questions are very insightful and I truly appreciate your willingness to help. On a related note, I find the sensitive but non-judgmental quality of all of your writing really refreshing. Very glad to be here.

What a graceful person you are. I feel very seen by all that! Thanks so much, and I'm really glad this is a good fit for you.

So, looking at what you've said here, what I'm kind of putting together in my head is how what you have said here might sound as a direct ask to this person you're seeing (or even anyone you're dating, in some ways and with alterations).

I think it might sound something like this:

"What I'm really after in pursuing a dating relationship is being a girlfriend: that's what I'm interested in, and where I want this to be heading pretty soon. I can tell you more of what that title means to me, and what I'm looking for from it, if you want. Ongoing verbal communication, that's pretty mutually initiated, is also really important to me: I don't want either of us to have to try and guess at what we're each thinking or feeling. I want open and active channels of communication in my intimate relationships."

Does that sound like how you feel and like a decent articulation of what you want? If so, what do you think about saying/asking something like that of this guy?

For the record, I don't think three months -- especially with something as big in there as sexual first times, a thing he chose to be part of, too -- is too soon to talk about girlfriend status, as it were. Now, maybe the other person might not be ready to go there, but I feel like at this point you should at least be able to ask if that's something they see themselves wanting and doing with you on the not-so-faraway horizon, and get an honest answer. And I certainly feel asking that at this point isn't hasty, IMHO.

I think that if someone can't give you the answer about if that's even a maybe for them, that yeah, maybe -- intentionally or not -- they are kind of stringing you along if they stay in something like this knowing that's what you want, but also knowing they have no clue if it's something they do, you know?

[Hollytiger]

Yes, what you wrote addresses what I wish him to know pretty succinctly. I am going to keep this in mind when we do talk about this again. I know I keep saying similar things, but thank you for taking the time to really consider all of this in such a thoughtful way. I imagine it must be wearing to be a "sponge" for so many people's anxieties. Writing here is really helping me process a lot of my fear. Sexual fear/guilt feels so intensely personal - this resource you and others maintain is truly amazing.

I'm glad to have some reassurance that three months isn't too soon to address all of this. I've felt very alone and odd, thinking "why can't I just let things progress naturally rather than worry all the time".

I wanted to share something I came across today on a page about shame from a self-help site for anxiety:

"If we are trained or encouraged, even by default, to ignore or deny
aspects of ourselves, then we tend to put all our powers and drives into
the aspects that we accept. This means that, like a body builder concentrating
on only one set of muscles and letting the others waste away, we become
unbalanced and unwell.

Such an attitude, guilt and/or shame induced, must take its toll so that, even
when we feel we are working hard and investing our power in ourselves, it
may be in only part of ourselves."

It made me stop and realize that for most of my life, I've only been actively working on part of myself. Or rather, every aspect of myself besides the sexual part. I am slowly becoming more ok with the idea that I, too, am a sexual being like every human is...It sounds almost comical, but the shame really makes me have a hard time accepting that!

[Heather]

I don't know if it's something that does or will help you or not, but when I need to say something I am afraid to, I sometimes just say it over and over again alone to myself over some time. Then when the opportunity presents itself, I feel like if I can just say one or two of the first words, the rest comes out a lot easier, and it also makes me feel less flustered because I generally know what I am going to say, instead of having to grasp for it.

And it's not comical or weird to be starting this process that you are! I think a lot of people, especially women, and most especially straight women, have to go through this, because culturally, you're not really supposed to be sexual on your own: your sexuality is something that's only supposed to basically go on, like a light, when a man is involved and then be what HE wants it to be. That messaging is changing slowly, thank goodness, it has been for about 50 years or so in the west, but it's still only changing gradually, and waaaaaaay more of that other messaging is what people wind up picking up.

I also want to add that when it comes to what relationships become, they don't do that by themselves: they're made of the actions and choices of the people within them, as well as the agreements. Nature can't do that, we have to do that, and a lot of that is all about active communication. So, it's not only okay not to be waiting on nature or whoever to make your relationship for you (or, more like it, to leave the decisions about it to the other person in it, since someone has to be driving this car!), you really don't want to do that on the whole. Sure, sometimes we want to just feel things out and see how they play out, and also observe what seem like organic patterns or dynamics, but by and large, *we* are how things happen. And if we're not, someone else is, which then leaves us in the place where what comes of our relationship is what the other person or people are choosing instead of us being part of that, too.

[Hollytiger]

Heather,

It never occurred to me to think of it like that, but it's so true. It seems like women have to be sexual but never TOO sexual. And only in certain situations. I'm wondering if you could direct me to any articles or anything about these cultural messages. I'm particularly interested in if you have writings on this yourself; I'm really interested in your thoughts in general here.

Thanks.

[Robin]

Hi HollyTiger,

I'm not trying to horn in on your conversation with Heather, but, while you wait for them to get back to you, have you read this piece Heather wrote a while back:

An Immodest Proposal

[Hollytiger]

Robin,

Thank you so much! I'll take a look. I appreciate it!