Scarleteen

Scarleteen,

I was Sexually Assaulted in June 2018 and I have been really working hard to cope and heal. I have made a lot of progress since telling my parents and I have moved away to go to college in order to get away from my abuser. I am no longer afraid of him or his friends, and I actually have started developing a crush on a guy I hang out with at college. I do feel like im ready to start dating again but im afraid if I tell people who I want to be intimate with about what happened to me ill face judgement. How do I satisfy my needs and not make the other party feel weird about being intimate with me? How do I express that there are certain things I do not want to do because it makes me go back into that moment?

-silva

Im an 18 y/o Female, straight, she/her

Hi Silva,

I'm so glad to hear you're making progress in taking care of yourself (in your update in your other thread it sounds like you're taken some really big steps in healing and getting support, which is awesome).

Those concerns you're having are really common for survivors, so if it makes you feel better you're not the first person who's had to figure out how to approach dating or disclosing to a partner, which means there's lots of advice out there about it. If you haven't, searching the boards here may bring up conversations we've had with other users about that topic, and you could also check out these forums for advice: https://pandys.org/forums/

Since it sounds like this is all a little hypothetical right now, it might help to start by thinking in more general terms about what way of disclosing feels the most comfortable to you. For instance, some survivors share only the most basic information early on with a partner, and may decide to open up more later (or not). Others decide not to disclose at all right away, and instead make any boundaries they need a part of the more general discussion with a partner about what is and is not okay during sex (after all, people generally don't demand their partner justify every single boundary they have, and if they do that's often a red flag). Do any of those approaches sound like they'd work for you? Is there another approach you think is a better fit?

Yeah I feel like setting boundaries is a good way to start and explaining more later on seems like a good way to go, thank you