Hating my body and not wanting to have sex

[Lonely Potato]

Hello!
So, I'm not really sure from where to start but here's a summary of the situation I've been stuck in for quite some time:
Since I was 5 or 6 I have struggled with my body image. When I was younger I used to be underweight and if I have to be realistic I can still consider myself skinny (at the moment I'm 169/5'6 tall and I weight roughly 50kg but I'll get to that in a minute).
I have always been anxious about the way I look. When I was younger I was teased for being underweight and it made me hate my body. A couple of years ago I gained some weight but I was still in the norm. However my father made fun of me and kept teasing me and calling me fat. Which resulted in gradual weight loss and an eating disorder along the way. From 62kg I dropped to 47kg in 5 months.
Nowadays I am better than before and I have mostly recovered but I still struggle with my body image. Adding the fact that now I have girlfriend, well, things get slightly messy.
You see, she has clearly hinted that she wants sex and, thank God, she hasn't really pushed me into doing anything but I feel guilty as hell. I don't find sex repulsive but the thought of anyone seeing how disguising my body looks makes me sick. Really sick.
I honestly don't know what to do. I feel guilty but I can't really do anything that will magically make not hate myself and I just keep running in circles.
I'd appreciate any advice, guys.

PC: sorry for the ramble or if I have any mistakes, english is not my native language

[phantomdog]

hi,

it can be hard to come to terms with stuff regarding poor self image/body image, so it's good you recognize it! that's step 1 in working past it. our cultural expectations for how our bodies should look often bleed into how worthy we believe ourselves to be of love and approval. i'm sure you consciously know that looks aren't everything, but it's still ingrained in many of us, so it's important to deconstruct these ideas we have about how beauty reflects our worth.

it sounds like you have come a long way and are currently much healthier, physically, which is great and means a lot! it's also important to keep in mind that weight does not impact beauty at all. if you think about it, all bodies are really beautiful, and yours is no exception -- it can perform all the amazing and complex functions that let you live day to day, and then some (besides which, beauty is no measure of your worth as a human being; everybody and every body is worthy of love and respect). something that could help is to point out one thing you like about your body a day. it can be something really small or seem a little silly, but any bit of positivity works. changing the way you see your body is a really tough process, and it's even better that your girlfriend respects that you aren't ready for sexual activity. you should talk to her about the issues you have with body image, i'm sure she could help you even more seeing as she's your partner. let her know what you need from her and what you need in general. not only will this help you in overcoming this, it can also strengthen your relationship's communication.

i hope this helped!! best of luck <3

[Sam W]

Hi Lonely Potato,

To add to the great advice phantomdog gave, have you had much of a chance to read about or explore body positivity? If so, have you found elements of it that have helped you? And if not, is it something you're open to learning more about?