I lost my virginity at 12

[calamari789]

I am currently a 14-year-old boy and so far in my life, I have had sex with boys of my age about 10 times, even though I would not really class myself as gay or bisexual, so I think I did it on each of these occasions out of sheer desperation for sex. I think about sex every day and I fantasise about sex all the time. Firstly, do you think it is wrong of me to have gay sex at this age? And should I think about taking a step back from all of this? Do you think it may be possible I am suffering from an addiction?

[phantomdog]

hi,

while topics like these are often very much a grey area, i think the first thing that should be addressed here is the safety of these instances in which you had sex and how you define these sexual acts. making sure you use protection each and every time you have sex is important beyond words and it's important that it be addressed; if you have not used protection, i would recommend informing your doctor the next time you go for your physical. they usually ask if you've been sexually active, and if they don't you should let them know so you can learn about where you can get free or cost-reduced condoms as well as testing for sexually transmitted infections.

secondly, to answer your question of whether it was wrong or not: that's a very subjective question and people's opinions of whether it was right or not do not dismiss the fact that it happened or its underlying causes and effects. everybody develops sexually at different rates - you may very well have been physically mature enough for sex at 12 but the effects of having sex at a young age as that can be negative if they were reckless or you weren't in a mature enough mindset for that sort of activity, which i believe to be the case for 12 year olds from a psychological standpoint. this goes for all sex that transpires at a premature period in someone's life irrespective of whether it was gay or straight. this doesn't make it wrong - it just means you weren't ready; it's less about the ethics and more about how it has affected you and the partners involved.

of course, it's normal during your stage of development to devote a lot of energy towards sexual thoughts and fantasies. hell, so do i! but if it's compulsive / obsessive, interfering with your life and/or getting in the way of you being able to do things, or is putting you at risk (such as having sex at a premature age / making you do unsafe sexual activities such as masturbating with unsafe objects), then it could be a warning sign for a hypersexual condition (or sex addiction, as you worded it) which you can talk to your doctor about if you believe that to be the case, and they can hook you up with the right care to help you balance yourself out and address whatever may be underlying such a condition.

i hope this helped you dude, and we're all here for you ! <3

[Sam W]

Hi Calamari,

In addition to what phantomdog said, "desperation" is not a good reason to have sex with someone (no matter your age). So, if that's your main reason for engaging in this behavior, that's a sign that you do need to take a step back from all of this and reevaluate what's been going on. For instance, when people come to us asking if they're ready to be sexual with another person, we give them this article: Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist . I suggest you take a look at that and see how to compares to your own experiences. You may also want to take a look at this article, because it addresses your concerns about whether or not you're at he right age for sex: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/relat ... or_romance .

I want to address your worries about sex addiction, and push back a little on something phantomdog said (FYI phantomdog, that's not a ding against you because what you said is a very common myth). Professional sex educators have a lot of issues with the way people talk about and describe sex addiction, in part because sex addiction just doesn't fit with the actual mechanics of addiction as we know it. Heather does a really good job of addressing the issues with sex addiction as a concept in this article: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/advic ... ted_to_sex

That being said, it is quite possible to have issues with compulsive sexual behavior. For instance, do you feel like you chose to be sexual in these situations out of a desire, or is it more a feeling that you had to even if you didn't want to? Too, when you say "desperation" can you tell me a little more about what that looked like in terms of your thought process?