Need Advice (Again)

[silva0]

Scarleteen,

I decided to have sex for the second time because I didn't get to consent the first time (see other posts) and I felt like I needed to take that back. I really liked this guy and we hit it off so I decided to sleep with him. The sex was great and I knew it would be a one night stand, which I was okay with, but something weird happened. Afterwards I felt like I wasn't me. I felt like I was a different person, that person had sex, and then I was me again. I dont know why I felt this way, and I got really weirded out by the whole experience. When he was driving me back to my dorm I was completely zoning out but still talking to him, I cant even remember what he said to me for most of the ride. Once I got back to my room I cried but I didn't feel sad.

Overall I had a good time but I want to know why I felt this way, I googled it but didnt really get any answers.

Question 2, how to take care of a vaginal tear?

[Siân]

hey silva0!

I can't say for sure why you're feeling this way, but healing from trauma can take us through lots of strange combinations of feelings. For example, you might be feeling a bit of dissonance between different ideas of yourself in moving between someone for whom intercourse has been associated with assault and someone for whom intercourse is a fun, wanted thing. It may be that your brain is playing catch-up (hence the weird zoned out feeling) and that you're still doing some processing (the crying). How does that fit with what you felt? Sex can be something that brings up all kinds of feelings, so crying is sometimes a natural response. At the time you were having sex, did you feel present and engaged? Did you feel like you were in control of your own wants and boundaries? Was it enjoyable?

As for a tear, if it's small read Heather's advice here and if it doesn't heal by itself in a week or so go see a healthcare provider.

[Heather]

One thing I also want to mention is that it's quite common to dissociate -- if that's a new term to you, here's some basic information about it here or here, with talk about other PTSD after assault stuff -- post-trauma, especially with sexual trauma.

That can feel like leaving yourself, being outside yourself and kind of watching from afar, feeling like you just kind of vanish or can feel like you have described here, like feeling like you just weren't yourself for a while and "zoning out." And this can be particularly common to do after sexual assault when engaging in sex. Even consensual sex that's wanted and great can cue some trauma or set off PTSD. It might also be that some or all of what was happening with this was dissociation.

That doesn't necessarily mean anything was problematic or wrong, it could happen in a situation like this because, for instance, it was just a lot and about sex and your mind is just already too busy dealing with everything already. Or just because something about it that was fine did just cue something that reminded your body or mind of the trauma.

But it could have happened because something is or was the matter or was problematic, too. When you ask for help with what you're calling a "vaginal tear" -- not an abrasion,, scrape or small cut -- I do want to make sure everything was actually okay here. That's because an earnest tear is not something we expect to see on anyone's body outside vaginal childbirth, assault, something like a really bad yeast infection, or, at the least, sex that happened without arousal, lubrication and other things that are usually part of sex people actually enjoy.

[silva0]

@ Sian, Yes I did feel present and engaged and I wanted it, it just felt weird afterwards. What you are saying makes sense though because for most of my life my parents and family painted sex as a very negative thing and I feel like part of healing from assault is also letting go of other negative feelings of sex.

@Heather, The tear isn't very deep but it has been bleeding constantly, not bleeding a lot but when I clean it theres always blood. I don't know what I should do about it because it isn't a big tear and it isn't hurting or anything. I did consent to this but he was rough with me and when I needed him to stop, he did. I was really aroused physically but I guess I wasn't really emotionally into it because I didn't want to "catch feelings" knowing that its a one night stand. We did not use lube and honestly I made bad decisions about sex because we didnt use condoms for most of it. It kinda just felt like something to get out of the way as part of a larger process, kinda like an "am I still normal" type of thing. Talking about this has made me confused again

[Heather]

How about I just start with the physical-health based part of this, since it's time-sensitive? Then we can talk about the other parts -- like if you are having mixed feelings about this now, or how to make safer decisions next time -- if you want to after?

For one, if you were not using any lube and this person was rough with your vagina, we know how you got an injury. If you had been using condoms, I'd likely just advise that you rest up, avoid the area and keep it clean and lubricated until you feel better.

But since you were not practicing safer sex, I'm afraid that I have an extra concern, which is that already you would have potentially had big STI risks just from not using condoms (especially if both of you haven't used them or had a partner use them before and recently), but risks of those get higher when there's an extra vector -- like a tear -- for viruses to get into your body through. So, if possible, what I'd suggest is that you see if you can't talk to a healthcare provider to see about taking a post-exposure prophylaxis so you don't have a big HIV risk, which you might otherwise. (I don't say that to scare you, I just feel like I'd be doing a crummy job at my job if I didn't tell you that there's this extra big possible risk here and there is a way to reduce it.) If you didn't use a method of birth control besides the mostly-not-condoms, you could also talk to them about emergency contraception or get that over the counter, if you prefer.

[silva0]

Heather,
Im currently calling the hospital, I didnt even think of this. And yeah I basically know nothing about this guy so I shouldn't have been stupid and not used protection. Im currently on Nexplanon and he finished on me not in me so I should be okay on that front.