Scarleteen

Dear Scarleteen-people,
I met a guy online about 1 and a half month ago on an dating app and we have been seing us five times since. (Side not: this is the only time I have ever talked a lot to a guy I like and the first time someone male genuinly seems to like me, I have never had a relationship before but a weird online thing with a guy who treated me badly when I was 14 which did cause a lot of problems).
I developed a major crush on him and now worry if he likes me, too. There have been moments that might have been more romantical (i drew on his arm for 30 mins straight and his hands were shaking when he touched my skin and he briefly touched my hand, he helped me with an absolutly stupid animation project, he named a spotify playlist after an joke between us, he bought me sweets and gifted me a book, and we drank out of each others cups (after he told me he likes my tea better then his) and we even talked for 3 hours straight on the phone two weeks ago and last saturday we even shared my long scarf when we were walking in the park in the evening when he told me he was cold; and a couple days after our first meeting we talked about the dating app we met on and when I told him I deleted it, he told me he deleted it, too and he send me pictures of his cats and his home town and liks to a weird band we both like) BUT when we attended a open day at uni someone asked if we were friends and he said "yes" and thats pretty confusing to me. And i feel like we are texting less since a week or two and I am afraid he "forgets" me or forgets how much he likes me or how my presence feels if we are just texting. Since I do not know him THAT well I do not know how his behaviour towards me is normal or crush-behaviour. Towards me he was pretty lively and hyped but also tamed down another time and quieter and maybe... bored? I do not know. But he never stops talking or texting, simply sometimes he needs 5 hours to text back and another time he triple-texts me. He also send a lot of recordings of his instruments a time ago and that has stopped since two weeks. I am an confused mess, since I am very very insecure about liking somebody. I become pretty obsessed with people and I am prone to catastrophizing a lot. A LOT. Since we met for the first time I have had phases in which i was absolutly convinced that he did not like me. Looking back it is very clear that he liked me a lot, but for now I am not that sure anymore... idk I first thought I liked him just as a friend but that changed pretty quickly. It might be that for it was the opposite. But well, I wanted to ask him last saturday when I saw him that I liked him more than as a friend/wanted to ask if we wants to be more than friends but I got scared and did not do it even though i had a couple of frickin perfect moments. I have planned to ask him if we want to see us this week and then confess my feelings. But I do not know if he wants to since we saw each other twice last week and since it would cost him 30 bucks for the ticket.
I just cannot do it anymore, I need to know if he likes me since there have been signs, but he just might be comfortable around me, we might just be friends or he had a crush on me and I might be to late or fucked up. Our third meeting was pretty rad, he even send me an "good night"-text and we hugged a millisecond more than just friends would do. I guess. After that it all just felt a little.. dull. But that might just be me, since my mind and my low self-esteem is playing a lot of tricks with me.
I just need a little of a pep talk. My best friend is tired of me talking about it and catastrophizing and beeing anxious. She met him, too and said he seemed to like me, but that was four weeks ago. I am afraid of disappointing him or that it is my fault if he does not like me back.
I might want to see a counselour, too, since I am super envious, anxious, pessimistic, castrastrophize a lot and I might have stalking-tendencies, too, I am an avoider and have troubles with self esteem and I am afraid I am not enough of a woman, since I am quite tomboyish which does lower my self esteem a little more.

My plan is definetly telling him about my feelings very soon, because I cannot even stand myself anymore. Even though if that means I am getting rejected, but I feel so at ease with him that i really really want to pursue a relationship with him and therefore telling him upfront about my feelings and asking him about what he wants seems the best solution to me. If he wants to be just friends, I am happy too but i might need some distance before we can go on.

I would be pleased with any response, or similar experiences since I just want to know how I can push my self esteem up a little, since I am very sure (and my best friend even says so); that I my mind and low self esteem tricks me and that might be that major reason for me fucking up things.
Thank you for reading my rambly mess!

Hi tomatopotato,

Ooof, those "do they, don't they" crushes can definitely make you feel like you're going around in circles. It sounds like there are lots of big feelings tied up in all this, so it makes sense that it feels like it's taking up a ton emotional and mental energy trying to parse it all out. I think telling him your feelings soon is an excellent idea, since trying to figure out how he feels by guessing at his reasons for different actions isn't a great way to figure out his feelings (not to mention it's stressful on you and gives your brain an opening to catastrophize). Would it be helpful to you to use this space to brainstorm how to tell him and how to prepare for his possible reactions (pep talk included)?

It's sort of a side topic, but if you're feeling like you'd like to see a counselor to talk about things like your anxiety and self-esteem, that's something we can give you resources for if you'd like.

I simply thought of telling him something like this: "I just wanted to ask how you would describe the relationship between us. Are we just friends or more than that?
I would be rather interested in developing a relationship with you, but I would be fine staying friends since I appreciate your friendship. I do not want to pressure you at all, and I would like to take things slow, but I just want to be honest with you. How do you feel about that? You do not have to answer immediately, but please let me know soon."

I'd like to have resources for a counselor. I feel like it's something I should definitely try to do.

Oh, I don't think he would be rude. He's definitely going to be surprised, but who wouldn't be?
If he doesn't have feelings for me and immediately tells me so and does not want to stay friends I would be pretty bummed. I might cry, since I'm an easy cryer and go home.
If he doesn't have feelings for me but wants to stay friends I would probably have a conversation with him and give him and first and foremost myself enough space to calm down.
If he doesn't have feelings for me but is attracted to me sexually I might agree to that since he's pretty hot and I desperately want to have some kind of sexual experience even though I know it might bit be that good for my wellbeing? But I don't think he would be comfortable with such agreement, or if he would it would require a lot of talking first.
If he has a crush on me, too.. well that would be rad. I would probably need to talk a little more too since then we have to choose an agreement: if we immediately commit to a relationship, and if yes, what our boundaries would be like. Not the whole "relationship" talk since I feel it would be a lot at once but a bit find common ground. Or if we choose to "date officially" without committing to a relationship so soon.
Personally I would like to have a monogamous relationship and would commit to that rather... immediately after our feelings are clear. I might have a lot of ideas but I do not know how realistic they are and if I am just socially award for wanting to have things extra clear. I really would like to give him a form with checkboxes.

I think that script you give above for asking him about his feelings is pretty good! I honestly think it's a good idea to try and clarify things, since it sounds like you have a pretty good friendship at this point and getting an answer for him might take away some level of anxiety/anticipation you're having right now. In some ways, even a negative answer can be helpful because a definite answer can be a relief, but I hope it goes well if and when you do decideto ask. Do you have a plan for when you'll ask him about this?

He is coming to my town tomorrow. We're probably going to talk a walk and visit a café, since it's best to clarify things in a neutral surrounding.
How do I can mentally prepare myself for getting rejected?
And how should I manage the conversation if he doesn't have feelings for me?

What I like to do for myself when I'm about to do something that could result in hard feelings like rejection is make a self-care plan.

Like, what am I going to do that day and the next few to take care of myself when I am having those feelings? Do I have at least a little support team of people I know I could reach out to to vent or get emotional support from? Do I have some of my favorite things -- like a book or a movie or a food -- I know can be comforts?

If you cry, you cry. I'm a crier too, and I haaaaaaate crying in public, but I also accept that it just happens sometimes and that sometimes we're just going to have the response we are. You can always excuse yourself and go cry in a restroom instead for a couple minutes if you feel less vulnerable that way.

If he doesn't have feelings, I think you just feel out the conversation from there, and where you take it is going to depend on what you want and feel up for, as well as how he responds. Because there's this whole other person in the mix, it'd be pretty hard to make plans about how to talk because you just can't know what they will be saying.

I would stick to only agreeing to what you actually want, btw, with any of this. Like, I hear you being super-clear you don't want only a sexual relationship, so I'd suggest you do yourself a solid and not accept that if that's what he offers. Why accept what you don't want in a relationship right from the front? If you do, you have to know it's pretty doomer from the start, and who wants that. I do think asking for monogamy right when we start dating someone is often asking too much too soon, but you can ask someone if they're currently dating other people: if they're not, you can kind of get exclusivity by default in a way that doesn't mean anyone has to move to big commitments too fast, you know?

I have asked him yesterday if he would consider us more than friends when we were walking home, and he just said that he definetly would, since he has feelings for me, too and if I had not asked him, he would have told me about his feelings in a couple of weeks. Nevertheless, I do not know how things are going to continue and I think neither does he, but then he held my hand for 20 minutes straight. Additionally, we are going to meet again soon. I am glad everything went so well.

Hi tomatopotato,

Thanks for the update, and I'm glad to hear the conversation went how you were hoping it would! It's okay if neither of you are sure right away how the relationship will change and what it will look like now that you've opened up about your feelings for each other. And it's also okay to take your time to figure that out, keeping in mind what Heather said about only agreeing to things you actually want. You might also want to take a look at this article to help you figure out how you do (and don't) want this relationship to look: Supermodel: Creating & Nurturing Your Own Best Relationship Models

Are there other things you have questions about or want support around right now, be it about this situation of something else?