I want to add a few things, just so you have some information you might otherwise. This might be a bit random!
Vulvas are SUPER diverse. Way more so than penises. It's normal for vulvas to be very "fleshy," like you say -- to be full when it comes to the inner and/or out labia. It's also normal for them to be what you're calling more "neat", with smaller inner bits. But a looooooot of women (when we're talking about women who have vulvas) feel like the only way for vulvas to be okay is for them to appear and be demure, neat or tidy, and NOT full. This is very similar messaging women get about their bodies and selves, period: that we're better when we take up as little space as possible. Ugh.
So, some people whose vulvas just are fuller and frillier, period, can feel self-conscious all the time. Others, whose aren't so baroque, may worry about what IF their vulvas aren't tiny/smaller-looking, feeling that must be the end of the world or something to avoid (especially if anyone in their life has given them the message "neat" vulvas are somehow prettier or better in some other way). And for some of those, the changes that come with arousal are unwanted or scary because of how they change appearance in that way.
I say this because I don't know if you've talked to your partner about her vulva like you have here, but if you have, one thing that might help with her self-consciousness is to NOT talk about her vulva like you did here in terms of it being "pretty" or "neat." It just might play into her feeling like her vulva looking how it looks or feeling how it feels when she's aroused and/or during oral sex is problematic. And of course, it's also just good to know this stuff period, because if you have even just a few partners with vulvas in your life, you're likely to come across those with fuller vulvas.
You say:
I do know that sucking on a girl's bits is not as good as it is for a guy - a guy at work told me to draw the alphabet with my tongue. - - -I am sorry if this question sounds crude but we talked about not having sex yet - meaning no penetration - I didn't try to penetrate very far with my tongue - is that part of doing oral? does it feel good for the girl?
I'm not sure what you mean by that first part, but I am seeing an overarching theme of you maybe having the idea there is one way any of this goes for guys and girls. Like all guys or all girls like X things, done X way, and enjoy them X much. That couldn't be further from the truth. Not only is that not true about things like what we like to eat, or what we choose to read or even how we experience and present our gender, period, just because people are much, much more diverse than literally being one of two ways, but human sexuality, in particular, is one of the MOST diverse things about us. So, for as much as it's not true that all guys like tacos and all girls like cheeseburgers (or whatever), generalizations like that are even MORE false when it comes to sexuality.
So. Let's say we're in a train car full of people. In that train car, a few guys and a few girls are people who seriously love oral sex, whether it's about a partner having a mouth on their genitals or vice-versa. (And because some men and women are trans, not all those guys have penises and not all those girls have vulvas.) A few might like "giving" but not "getting" and vice-versa. Some people with vulvas on the train like a tongue inside sometimes -- or like it with one partner but not with a different one -- others might all the time, others never. A few people on the train, of any gender, are just not into oral sex at all, with anyone, no matter how they do it. Catch my drift? There's no "for the girl" answer with any of this stuff. We're all much more diverse than that, and gender doesn't create the kind of broad, universal shared differences a lot of people think. There's only a "for THIS PARTICULAR girl," answer, and the only person who can give you those answers IS that particular girl. You'll find out what feels good to her by trying things she wants to, seeing how it goes, and asking her questions.
Per your most recent question about keeping an erection around longer, it's most typical for people with penises to reach orgasm just a minute or two -- sometimes even less, especially when people are younger and/or new to sex -- after something like intercourse or oral sex starts. There's nothing that isn't okay about that. But if it's an issue for you because you want sex to last longer, there are some common things people do around that. I want to say first that being sexual doesn't require an erection and our genitals aren't our only super-sensitive body parts: so how long you're sexual with your partner doesn't have to have zip to do with how long you're erect. There is literally only one kind of sex (intercourse) that requires an erection, one of a ton of ways to be sexual. Too, for younger people, the refractory period (the time your body needs to rest up and recoup after orgasm and ejaculation) is usually pretty short, so getting to another erection soon after one before is probably a thing you can do.
That said, if you just enjoy that lasting longer, you can wait longer, doing other kinds of sexual things, before you do the stuff that gets you to orgasm. Or, when you do those things, you can do them for shorter periods of time, doing other things in between while you take little breaks from those things.
