Physical abuse

[Sara1234]

My boyfriend and I were running around playfully in a park in the evening yesterday. I was trying to snatch his wallet from him. When I did, he twisted my hand and in pain I pushed him away. My nails scratched him near the wrist. Nothing serious, but little blood. He got furious, and to my shock hit me hard in my face in front of everyone. I am not new to him hitting me while fighting playfully. But this was the first time he hit in anger. Before I could process what had happened, he tried to convince me that it was my fault and he did that because he couldn't control his rage and pain.
This isn't the first time my nails hurt him. But I didn't do it intentionally. I left him in anger and didn't answer for his calls. And today he called me and told that it was my fault and I shouldn't overreact.
He profusely apologized but still thinks part of it was my fault. Tomorrow is his birthday....I don't want to fight with him. But I can't seem to forgive him for hitting me.
Even if he genuinely apologize, I still fear that he would repeat it again. We are in a relationship for nearly three years and I don't want to break up for small fights.
Should I forgive him. Am I to also be blamed for this? Should I give him a chance or should I break up with him?

[Heather]

I'm so sorry, Sara. You absolutely should not be blamed for this. You didn't hurt him on purpose.

He did, however, choose to hurt you on purpose (and if he did this in public, also chose to intentionally humiliate you). People CAN control themselves. People have the ability to feel pain and even anger and not hit people. Most of us have those feelings and do just fine not hitting anyone. Some people even have the desire to, but choose not to. In the event he truly could not control himself in this way when he feels pain or anger (though if you are the only one he's hitting, you can know that's a lie), then he would be someone who has a serious behavioral issue, and he'd need real help with it, and would need to do some real work on himself over time, before it'd be safe for other people to be around him.

Your boyfriend chose to hurt you, and he is also choosing to blame you and refuse to take responsibility for it. I think it is right for you to fear it will happen again. Statistically speaking, it probably will. Things like this are very rarely one-time, especially when someone won't even take responsibility. And your own gut feelings are also very reliable. It sounds like your gut is telling you he might do this again. Trust those feelings: they're probably trying to keep you safe.

Personally, if you're asking my advice, I'd advise you get away from him and do all you can to stay away: that is always the advice I give people about anyone who has clearly demonstrated they are dangerous and harmful.

How do you feel about those answers?

[Sara1234]

Hi Heather,
Thank you so much for your insight.
He thinks that I hurt him intentionally even after telling him repeatedly that I didn't.
I have scratched him intentionally in the past which I am never proud of. But that was during some argument , he would raise a hand on me and I would try to dodge him, but her never hit me.
This was the first time he slapped me that too in public. He is trying to reason out saying that he thought I did it intentionally which I didn't. Moreover he has already hit one of his girl mate long back during an argument and regretted it a lot.
He apologized again. Should I brush this off or stay away from him?

[Heather]

So, it sounds like it's possible this relationship has been one with physical abuse in it from the start. For sure, scratching someone on purpose isn't okay, but I hear you saying that when that was happened, it's because he was attempting to physically abuse you and you were trying to protect yourself. So, this hitting wasn't a first time. It was existing physical abuse getting worse. And you are now telling me he has a history of abusing people he has dated before you. This is an abusive person, full-stop. He will abuse you more if you stay. (He will probably abuse the next person he dates, too.)

Abuse in intimate relationships almost always escalates. That can mean it starts with only emotional abuse and adds physical or sexual abuse. It can mean physical abuse becomes sexual abuse, or "mild" physical abuse escalates to more severe kinds -- like "play" hitting turning into slapping, then slapping turning into punching, etc.

Apologies don't stop you from getting hurt. Abusive people apologize because it works to keep the people they are abusing around or to get them back. But they're not really sorry, because they abuse again. People who hit people are were truly sorry not only wouldn't blame the person they hit, they'd accept they have a serious problem and would leave you alone and go start some serious work on themselves.

(Also, I don't believe him when he says he thinks you hurt him on purpose. That wouldn't excuse his response in the first place -- retaliating isn't a response to someone hurting us that emotionally healthy people engage in -- but I also don't believe even he actually thinks that. I think he is trying to make excuses.)

Brushing this off would be making the choice to stay in danger. It would also be choosing to stay when the abuse is going to continue and, as it already has, likely get worse. It is not something I suggest you choose. I strongly advise you to get away and stay away from this guy now, and perhaps ask others in your life for help if you need it, either to help you stay strong and resist his tries to suck you back in, help leaving safely, or help keeping him away from you.

Do you need help knowing how to leave?

[Sara1234]

Yes. I need help to know how to leave. To make things worse, we are coworkers.

[Heather]

Ugh, I'm sorry. That does make it harder.

Can you fill me in on more of the basic details? Do you live together, and if so, is there somewhere you could go live temporarily? Would your friends and family be able to help you and would they be supportive? At work, is there someone you could talk to in HR?

[Heather]

It's looking pretty late in India, so you may have gone to bed. In the event that you have, when you wake up, I might be gone for the day, and back tomorrow.

If that happens, I want to leave you with something that can help you get started in making a safe plan for leaving an abusive relationship: The Scarleteen Safety Plan. We can also use that safety plan guide as a bit of a framework for our talking here as we work out how to help you leave this specific relationship and it's specific circumstances.

I'll still be working on and off over the next few hours if you do still want to talk more tonight, but otherwise, I hope that helps you get started, and I'm glad to talk with you more tomorrow. Let's make sure we're doing all we can to help you get out of danger and do our best to make this the last time something like this happens to you.