Scarleteen

Hi I’m Dante and I have been having lots of sexual thoughts about a friend who’s a boy like me. I’m pretty sure I’m bi and I really want to have sex with him is this normal at 13? I also want to know how to tell him because I don’t know if he’ll take it the wrong way. Also if I’m being given or giving a handjob or blowjob or just naked and kissing someone of the same gender not actually having intercourses with them does that count as sex?
Thanks

Hey there, Dante.

So, there's no written rules about what "counts" as sex. What makes something count as sex is basically just that it's something everyone involved is experiencing as sex; is intending to express their sexual feelings or desires with what they're doing. If you're part of oral sex, for instance, and it's about you and someone else exploring and expressing your sexualities and sexual feelings, then yep, that's sex. And from an STI/sexual safety standpoint, things like oral sex (blowjobs) and manual sex (handjobs) are sex and carry some of the risks other kinds of sex do.

For more on what sex is, you might find this piece handy: What's Sex?

It's normal to have sexual desires at 13: lots of people that age do. The thing to just remember though is that just because we have desires for a given thing doesn't always mean we or others are ready for that thing, and our desires also aren't always the right thing to try and put into action. That has a lot to do with the unique circumstances of the people involved and everything else that plays a part.

In terms of talking to this boy you like about your feelings, generally what you want to do before you invite someone to be sexual with you is try and get a pretty good read on if it seems like that's something they'd actually want. For instance, do you get the feeling he has those kinds of feelings about you at all?

I think he might have feelings for me
He has joked about being gay before and at sleepovers we’ve messed about with dares like run around the room naked but we’ve never seen each other naked but we were both naked in a bed while watching a video on his phone. It was late and we were in our night clothes(nothing) and I don’t think he realised we were both naked but I’m not sure. I don’t know if I liked it but I know I did I really liked it and I wanted to get closer to actually touch his naked body but I was too embarrassed and wasn’t sure if he would like it. What do you think I should do?

Joked about being gay in a way that felt like he was making fun of it, or in a way that felt like he was maybe trying to find a safe way to say he might be?

He kept saying he was and then that he wasn’t I think the later not the former I don’t think he’s trying to make fun of it

Okay. So, sounds like he at least would be someone where you probably don't have to worry about being unsafe if you shared any of these thoughts or feelings.

That said, how do you feel about maybe just telling him you think you have some sexual feelings for him, and see how he responds to that?

I think it would be a rush i mean we’re only 13 and I don’t want to ruin a friendship

But I will try and talk around it and get a feel for what he might think

Would you think it’s bad or I’m bad if I had sex before 16 just out of interest

It would be pretty ridiculous for me to think that since I was sexual before those ages, and I don't think I'm bad, but even if I wasn't, no. Sex isn't about people being bad, and unless people are using sex to hurt themselves or other people, sex just isn't really a thing we can talk about as being good or bad in a value way like that, you know?

What do you mean when you say it would be a rush? Are you assuming that by talking about having feelings for him, you and he have to do something with those feelings right now? Because you don't, and I agree -- if this is what you meant -- especially at your age, going from just saying that to being sexual together would be awfully fast, probably too fast for what'd feel comfortable to both of you.

That would be very fast and I wasn’t considering it I have to talk to him first thanks for your help

Sure.

I'd just think of all of this as baby steps. And that might even start with kind of feeling things out with him a little more while you are thinking about if you want to tell him. If you wind up deciding you do, the next step might be just telling him you like him. Then further down the road, that you have sexual feelings... this can all be as gradual as feels the most right for you, okay?

Thank you
I am going to talk to him on Friday thanks

Happy to help! Good luck.