I feel great lust for my best friend who is also my ex-boyfriend

[SinfulAngel]

I have asked for help with this twice already, but I got no response, and it's been months so... I'm posting about it again, here this time.
So... when I was 14, I got into a relationship with a guy. We easily bonded through our love for the fantasy genre in anime, books, and HEMA. Plus, he was the person who got me back into video games. He's also extremely smart, with very strong moral values, which is something I really appreciated at the time, and his opinions and philosophies really helped me to become the person I am today (Worth mentioning is the fact that we were both disgusted by people being obsessed about sex).
We stayed together for 4 years until we noticed that our relationship was more of a "best friends" than a romantic one. I didn't really mind, because I was still thinking him in a romantic way. However, he didn't. We decided to break up, which I was OK with since A) I didn't want to force him into anything (For a couple of months he was still pretending to like me to not break my heart, but I managed to notice regardless so... yeah) and B) we were still staying friends.
And here is where my problem comes in.
First of all, we stayed just as close as we were when we were a couple. He's my best friend. But, these last four I started to grow incredibly lusty of him. I have spent nights when I stay alone in the house, touching myself while thinking of him. Having fantasies I'm really ashamed of.
And then it started becoming worse, to the point where he's coming over to hang out and I can feel my nipples harden or my "down area" dripping.
I have a friend I am close with, and she's very "liberated" should I say when it comes to sex. She was the one who helped me to accept my body, actually... But other than someone to vent to, she's not the best person to give me advice on the subject. When I asked her what to do, she said that I should just tell him what I feel and that he'll be happy to fulfill my wish. "No 18-year-old boy is going to deny sex with a hot girl" she said. If only I could make her understand...
Other than that, my desires are very problematic. I'm becoming riskier and riskier. Like... once when I came over for an anime marathon, his mother called him downstairs, and while he was absent, I snatched one of his sweaty shirts from the laundry room. I have been using it for masturbation ever since. I always say that I'll returning it to him but... it's about five months since then. I am afraid something will go wrong... But I still can't let the shirt go.
Or like another time, when I went to his house to stay for the night because my parents would be away. His parents took out a folding bed from the attic and we slept next to each other. I couldn't sleep that night. I was hearing his breath, catching the faint smell of his sweat and felt very horny. I tried taking a cold shower to clear my thoughts, but I ended up masturbating in his bathtub. Thankfully I was able to cover it up, but it still raised some questions from him. He also said I was acting a bit weird lately and told me that, if there's something going on, he wants to help. I told him I was OK and that we can just brush it off.
My family went to Greece for summer holiday, and my mother talked with his about him coming over, and he did, we also slept in the same room to save space. I couldn't say anything, out of fear that it would rise suspicions. During the day on the beach, with me wearing a bikini and him bare-chested, and during the night the night at the same room... I don't even know how I managed to hold myself back then... nor I know how long I'll be able to do so any longer.
It's getting very difficult to hide, especially with him getting concerned about me. I can't have him figure out what I'm feeling. He's going to be disgusted and hate me (Generally he thinks of sex as a way for two partners to express their love for each other at its fullest, and not as a way to satisfy morbid pleasures. It's something you should want to do for the other person, not yourself), but I don't know how long it's going to take until I burst. I tried meeting new people but I can't find anyone who takes him out of my mind. And the more I give in to my desires and masturbate or think of him the more I crave him. It's like a drug... I think I'm going to lose my mind.

Please... I need some advice.

[Heather]

I'm not sure where you have asked before, but this looks to be your first post with this account. Please let us know if we've overlooked something by mistake!

I'm sorry that this is such a struggle for you. And I'm really sorry that in all of this, you have the idea that he would hate you if he knew because he has the idea that sex, and the desire for sex, is only about love or else it's awful. Not only is that just really unrealistic (even for people engaging in sex who love each other, sexual desire and sex is about more than that, very much including neurochemicals that just aren't about love), it's adding shame and other tough feelings to something needlessly. You don't need extra bad feelings on top of this struggle, you know? Sometimes people whose opinions and beliefs we respect still have opinions and beliefs that either aren't sound and/or aren't a good fit for our own realities.

Looking at your choices, I realize I don't know if you actually want to be sexual with him in the event that is something he also wanted with you. In other words, telling him is an option, but since it sounds like you expect him to be judgmental if you do, I don't see you telling him just to talk it through. It seems to me you'd only tell him if you were asking him if he'd like to be sexual with you, yes? If so -- and I know it might seem like an obvious question -- do you actually want to be sexual with him if that's an option? I get you have sexual desires for him, clearly, but of course, that doesn't always mean we want how that would play out in reality with someone.

I also want to check in with you and see if you think that one of the reasons these feelings are so intense is perhaps because he's basically off-limits: off-limits because you two are friends, not dating, but also off-limits because he's presented sex and sexual desire as only being about love and that's obviously not what you're feeling.

[SinfulAngel]

(I think I sent some messages anonymously but I am not really sure if anyone saw them)
Yup, I do indeed want to get sexual with him. I really really want. However, one truth I have accepted is that he'll probably never want to be sexual with me, and whether it hurts me or not I must accept that wish of his. Problem is... I don't think he'll believe me if I say so. And another thing is, his ideal on the matter of sex isn't something I disagree with. It's actually a measure to ensure we'll always treat our partners with respect, without degrading them (or anyone, really) into simply sexual objects. As he puts it: "We're not bloody savages, for fuck's sake". And this is probably the biggest part on my worry about him learning about it. The thought that I degraded him into a sexual object. Especially since... I am afraid that it's probably true and I feel really shitty about thinking of him this way.
As for the "One of the reasons these feelings are so intense is the fact that he's off-limits" part, well, I don't really think about the "forbidden" part when I masturbate or as a part of my fantasies... but it might be there subconsciously.
Plus, the emotional weight of me having to constantly hide it might contribute on that, but I am not sure.

[Heather]

I don't hear anything in what you posted here that involves you turning him into an object.

What I read involves you having strong feelings of sexual desire for someone you obviously see as a person. Setting aside the "savages" remark (which is actually super racist, but that's a conversation for another day), people can be respectful of each other sexually whether or not they have huge love for each other. Even when capital-L love isn't part of the picture, plenty of people still are able to treat their sexual partners with care and respect (and sex shouldn't be about just doing things for the other person, either -- that's not actually emotionally healthy, it's supposed to be about shared and mutual sexual feelings and shared and mutual expressions of those feelings). It's also very clear you have a lot of love for this person, but that seems besides the point at the moment.

Personally, I feel like inviting someone to be sexual with you when you're feeling this way about those feelings probably isn't a good way to go, even IF they said yes. Whether or not it's about love, sex where one or more people feel full of shame generally doesn't result in beneficial experiences for anyone. In my experience both personally and professionally, one of the main ingredients for sex of any kind that people feel good about is not making sexual desire -- which again, is often about things besides love, even when people do love each other -- into something immoral or shameful or gross (or involved with the concept of sin), but accepting it and recognizing it's as okay as, say, feeling desire for affection, love or chocolate ice cream.

How do you feel about maybe taking some time to try and change up how you're thinking about this? I just wonder what you might want to do if all this shame wasn't in the mix, you know?

[SinfulAngel]

I see what you mean. Thanks for your help.

[Heather]

Of course. Is there anything else I can do for you around this right now? I hate to hear how much you're suffering around this.

[SinfulAngel]

No, not really.
You already gave me a lot more help than I could have ever hoped for. I'm really grateful

[Heather]

Okay. I'm happy to talk about this more if you want anytime, you know where to find me. I hope you can start to feel better about all of this very soon.