Scarleteen

(Sorry is it starts off long, but this explains exactly what happened and what caused it. Sorry if it’s graphic)

Last night I got the news that my friend may have miscarried and it stirred up some fears of my own. From not being able to have kids or difficultly having them. I was crying, so my fiancé was comforting me. He was telling me that we’ll cross that bridge when we get there. Also, if we can’t have kids of our own we can adopt. I admitted that I don’t mind that, but I also admit it wouldn’t be the same as having my own.
While I was still crying he started kissing me. I wasn’t having it, so I moved away. He then got on top of me and continued to kiss my lips, neck, and chest. He removed my bras and sucked my nipples. I was struggling underneath him and couldn’t stop crying. He then removed my underwear and positioned himself. I asked him to stop, but he ignored me and put it in. He held my hands down and continued to fuck me even though I was pulling away, struggling, and crying for him to stop. He didn’t stop till I begged him to take it out. When he took it out I huddled into a ball feeling disgusted and violated.
He told me he did it to prove a point. That he was fertile and we didn’t have to worry about not having kids. (I have a IUD so I didn’t have to worry about getting pregnant).
I ran away from him and took a shower. I wanted to get that disgusting feeling off my skin and clean myself off (down there).

He’s apologized and begged me to hurt him to make myself feel better. I refuse to because it won’t make things better and I never want to hurt him. I forgave him because I still love him, but I feel anxious, jittery, scared, and a part of me died last night.

I forgave him, but I refuse to let him touch me. I love him, but I lost my trust in him.

I don’t know what to do.

I am so sorry, MM, that this person sexually assaulted you and that you find yourself in this position.

We do not have to forgive people we love when they choose to do us harm. If you feel forgiving, it's certainly okay for you to feel that way, but please know we can love someone and still be angry at them. We can also love someone and still need to get and stay away from them because they have shown us they are not safe.

I think he has made it very clear he is not safe. He sexually assaulted you. He also has told you he did this to "prove a point," which suggests something is pretty seriously wrong when it comes to him, to be frank, and adds additional emotional abuse to this. The idea he should rape someone to prove they could get pregnant (which, if this occurred, would be an additional abuse on top of the others), or that what he has done should or could be righted by you doing him some kind of harm is very, very dysfunctional.

Is there somewhere else you can go and be safely away from him, at least for a day or two so you can a) stay safe from any more abuse, sexual, emotional or otherwise, and b) be able to start processing your feelings and taking care of yourself after this without him there to push his needs and wants unto you?

I have somewhere to go. I know I need to get away and think things over.

I just don’t understand how I can still love him after what he did.

He admitted to me that he wasn’t thinking and he knows what he did was fucked up.
He’s giving me my space (no cuddling and asking permission to sit next to me) and suggested we start over.

He knew I didn’t trust anyone besides him. Now I’m not sure I can trust him the way I use to.
I want to forgive him, but I still feel weird around him.

Hi MM,

I'm so sorry that he chose to do this to you, and not at all surprised that you feel weird around him. As Heather says, the fact that he sexually assaulted you has shown that he's not safe to be around.

Love isn't a feeling that always changes over night. Clearly there are things about this person that made you like and fall in love with them, so it's not surprising that you still feel some of those things at the same time as being deeply hurt and betrayed. There's nothing wrong with you for feeling love, but that feeling doesn't have to keep you around when you're at risk of further abuse.

You say you do have somewhere to go - have you gone there? You're absolutely right that you need to get away and get some space.

Yes I have.
I want to say thank you. I had no one to talk to about this. It helped

I’m going to take this time to think.
Thanks again

Hi MM,

I'm glad to hear you're somewhere safe, and that being able to talk about this here has helped you out. If there are other ways we can support you right now, including helping you find some other folks to talk to in addition to us, you're welcome to ask about them.

I did want to address your wanting to forgive him but feeling like that's a weird or hard thing to do; that's a totally understandable thing to be feeling right now. This is someone you love, and had decided to marry, so it may be that there's a part of you that wants things to revert back to how they were prior to this incident. But unfortunately, this person has given you a very important, and awful, piece of information about himself and how he's willing to treat you (and, just as an aside, it's unlikely he wasn't thinking when he did this, as it required him to actually make a lot of choices, including pushing past your no). Even if you want to forgive him, that new information is going to reshape how you see him in a big way. Does that make sense?