Scarleteen

I've posted about my relationship on here before. I have actually come to terms that I am not happy in my relationship. Other than what I last posted about, there are a few main things I feel this relationship is not working for me.

For one, (mainly) I don't feel like we're intimate. We have a sexual relationship, yes, but I don't feel like we connect and bond. This isn't the first time I've considered ending it. I've considered it 2 other times but chickened out. Now I'm ready to conquer my fear.

For two (secondarily) he doesn't shut up about his past hookups. He once pointed out a spot that he hooked up at and showed it to me which ruined the place for me. Now I'm scarred. I thought about talking but now I think it's pointless because he's 25 and that's totally immature and completely uncalled for.

But it's mainly the lack of intamacy. I still get these thoughts telling me it's a mistake but the thoughts in my heart have been knocking on my head telling me this is the right thing to do because I know what I want. I tried to make it work for me, thinking I could 'learn" to be happy but the heart wants what it wants.

I've done my research to find out if it's normal to grieve over a break up even if you're the dumper. I had second thoughts telling me that since he's a nice guy unlike a lot of relationships I've had, he's not gonna leave, etc. that I'm blowing it but then I thought 'well I've had bad relationships with people that weren't gonna leave but that's no reason to stay'. In my research, it said it is normal because of a) having doubts and the 'what if' game, b) experiencing loss, c) guilt; not to mention (not what I read but what I came up with) sweet memories.

I just wanted to hear of other people's experiences with being the one initiating a breakup. It's such a hard decision to make especially when I have to return all his things and I'm having a hard time figuring out how I'm gonna do it since he can't bike due to the weather here. It's so nerve wracking.

Hi there ILoveHelloKitty,

It sounds like you've thought carefully and worked out what's best for you - great!

You're right that ending a relationship, even when we know it's the right thing to do, can be hard. I absolutely agree with you that just because someone is a nice person doesn't mean our relationship with them makes us happy, and it's ok to want more or better.

You ask for experiences; I've ended relationships with nice people, or which had definite highlights and it's come with a whole mix of feelings. I've felt relief and freedom and exhaustion and grief and excitement and worry all mixed up together, and sometimes it's taken a little while and sometimes I've had moments where I *almost* want to change my mind, but knowing that it's the right thing, taking some time to process and thinking about all the other exciting things in my life get me through. Does that help?

I get that the logistics of it can also feel complicated, but they aren't a reason to not do it you know? There will never be a perfect, easy moment. With returning his things, maybe you can pack them up and ask a friend or family member to help you return them? If you can't see eachother face to face for a while, can you call or videocall?

We've got your back if you need to talk through your feelings now or after.

Thank so much, Siân. That made me feel a lot better.

I plan to talk to my mother about it tomorrow and ask her to drive me to drop off his things. I just feel bad if I break up with him on the phone. I thought about stopping by his house to drop off his things and break up while I'm at the house.