Scarleteen

I have been with my boyfriend for nearly a year. I feel happy with him but there are times where i am not sure if i am. He is a person who is really forceful in order to get what he wants. For instance, he asks me to take sexual photos for him even if i am uncomfortable and persists to ask me until he gets what he wants. Also he want me to do sexual things when we video call and if i don't do things properly then he gets annoyed. One thing i get really upset about is when he touches me i get scared due to past trauma and grab his hand but he always holds me down. Is this okay as i consented him to touch me in the first place?..

Hi lsw2121,

It sounds like there's a voice in your head already telling you this isn't okay, and that voice is absolutely right. Your boyfriend is using coercion and force to get things he wants from you, and I'm so, so sorry he's choosing to do that.

If a partner says "no," or says they are uncomfortable doing something like taking sexual photos, a person who respects their partner knows that's the end of the conversation and doesn't push the issue. But your boyfriend is putting his desires over your boundaries and wearing you down until you agree, which is a sign that he is not a safe person for you to be with.

With him continuing to touch you or hold you down when you get scared, it doesn't matter if you initially consented to the interaction. Consent can be revoked at any time, for any reason, and partners are supposed to respect that. And the fact that he is willing to use force on you at those times is another sign that he is not a safe or caring partner.

That may be a lot to process all at once. Any initial feelings or reactions to everything I just said?

Like you said, i already kinda knew that this was not okay.. Its just hard to accept. I was raped a few years ago and this is the first person that i opened up to and trusted. It just seems theres no-one i can trust if even the person who loves me can hurt me like this again..

It's certainly understandable that this has you feeling like that. It can be so painful to be vulnerable to someone only to have them deliberately harm you (especially if they know you're a survivor). Again, I'm so sorry that he's choosing to treat you this way.

What would be helpful things we could do to support you right now? Would it be useful to talk about ways to end things safely with him? Or find some additional supports for survivors? Something else?

I have been avoiding his messages and calls for a while now and I think he is starting to get the idea that I want to break things off. I am struggling recently as all my past trauma emotions are coming back and with this on top it just feels like its too much.I can't really tell my parents as they are very religious so will judge me. I don't know how to get out of this emotional pit...

That's actually a huge step in taking care of yourself, and you deserve to feel proud for putting up that much of a boundary with him already. Do you feel like you want to send something to make it clear you are done with him?

It sucks that this all happened at a time where your past trauma was flaring up (and I'd wager it's also to blame for some of that flare up). Have you ever gotten support from a local resource designed to help survivors, either for these incidents or for the past assault? If not, is that something you'd be interested in trying? Most resources like that usually have individual counselors as well as things like support groups, so you'd likely have options in terms of what kind of support you could get.

I'm sorry your parents don't seem like safe people to tell about this. Do you have any friends, or any other family members, who you're close to who you think would support you if you told them what happened and asked for some support?