feeling guilty

[phantomdog]

hi,

so this is a really complicated situation and i'm just looking to get it off my chest and figure out how to work around it. over the summer, before i got with my current boyfriend (who is completely separate from all of this), i met this kid at a pride event in my city who is a year younger than me. we both hit it off pretty well and were clearly attracted to each other. being the person i am, i was honest with him but not at all forceful or had any expectations. here's where it gets complicated. he began leading me on, talking to me sexually and genuinely leading me to believe he was interested in having sex with me. i reciprocated his interest and things were good for awhile but we never acted on anything we talked about. then he just dropped me out of nowhere and when he finally came around again he basically admitted that i was his second best. it was hurtful because during the time we weren't talking i had no idea if i had done something to upset him and even more hurtful to hear that i was just his backup plan when he couldn't get who he had wanted at the time. i was reluctant to trust him again but he began flirting with me and leading me on again, and me, being the person i am, of course fed into it because i just like sex lmao. but the same thing happened. he dropped me, and came back eventually. he did this a number of times and during the last run of talking we would make plans to hang out (i always stated non-sexually because he had said he's not ready for sex; he would still say sexual things to me just to get me going though) and something would always happen and he'd either ditch me or cancel altogether. i communicated that this was hurtful because it felt deliberate. every time i would confront him, he'd bounce between apologizing and how much he hates himself to how i make him uncomfortable because i'm older and how he can't trust me. which doesn't make sense because i'm the farthest from pushy and am very sensitive to boundaries. the only time i ever touched him was when we were hanging out and he initiated it by putting my hand on his thigh and telling me to keep it there. it did not escalate beyond that and i was very watchful of his body language. but then a few weeks after that he called me in the morning and started going off on me about how i make him "very very uncomfortable" and how he doesn't like me and doesn't want to talk to me.

which of course makes me feel morally conflicted because i certainly feel like i did something wrong even though nothing was ever without consent and more often than not he initiated sexual conversations. but i am in the position of the older person and i just can't help but feel like i'm a bad person for what he said and i don't know how to reconcile with it. i don't think i did anything wrong but i feel like i did and it just makes me feel gross. i don't know.

[solareclipse94]

phantomdog,

From what you said here, it sounds to me that you were very patient with him. You even gave him multiple chances. It also sounds like he was leading you on to believe that he wanted to be more than just friends. This whole thing isn't your fault. You did nothing wrong. He is the one who took advantage of your kindness.

You have nothing to feel guilty of. You seem like such a nice person and if this guy couldn't see that, than he doesn't deserve you.

[Siân]

hi phantomdog,

I'm sorry that you're feeling hurt about this. From what you describe, you were honest, respected boundaries and didn't escalate sexual contact so I can't see anything you did wrong. It's good that you are checking with yourself that you were considerate and respectful, but sometimes people will place blame when they're conflicted or suspect that they are in the wrong.

Is there anything specific you want to discuss or check in with here? Or are you more just looking for an opportunity to vent?