Should I give my abuser a second chance?

[lianri]

Hi,
Over the summer I had a casual sexual relationship with this guy. It got complicated because feelings got involved, but we never really addressed the feelings. I called it off because it was toxic for me and he did not show anger with my decision. He hit me up a few days after and asked me to come over to cuddle and hangout. I told him that I was not going to have sex and that I did not want to both on the phone and in person. I decided to go to his house because he told me that not having sex was alright. The night ended in him moving me to my stomach, grabbing my arm, and penetrating me with just the tip. This ended in about five minutes and then the night was over. I left right after it happened in anger and sadness, but after that night I kind of pushed away what had happened and distanced myself from him. About four months later I was talking with a friend and I had a break down because I realized what had happened. I realized that he sexually assaulted me, or one could say raped me. He contacted me recently and I confronted him and told him how he made me feel that night and what he had done to be and the extremity of his actions. He apologized to me and told me that he had treated me poorly throughout the entirety of our fling and that he wished he would have had something more serious between us and had treated me better. He told me that he wanted me, still, and that he was willing to give me time to heal emotionally. I know that I can forgive him, but I just do not know if it is right to give him a second chance. I did not know a sober him until I was recently with a friend and they were having a conversation. I still have feelings for him, but I am not sure if it is healthy for me, or just right for me to give him a second chance. Is it wrong to believe that people can change and to let them in your life again even if they did such a terrible thing to you? I’m really frustrated as to what I should do. I will never forget what he did, but I will forgive. Does forgiveness mean that I could give him a second chance if I wish? Or is this my brain acting out on me because I have not fully come to terms with what has happened?

[Siân]

hi lianri,

I'm so sorry that this person sexually assaulted you. I hope you know it wasn't your fault. How are you doing now? Have you sought out any support?

It's understandable that you still have feelings for this guy, and I'm glad you have had some kind of apology. I don't think that he is a safe person for you to be with. I hear you when you say he's saying the right things, but that doesn't mean that he will remain decent and respectful. Unfortunately, abuse often happens in cycles where apologies, romance and strong feelings keeps someone around even as it alternates between escalating verbal, emotional, physical or sexual abuse and control. It sounds like the best thing that you can do for both of you right now is to pull back from this person and focus on the other things that are important to you - friendships, hobbies, studies, work, whatever it is. What do you think?

People can change, but it is usually something that takes a long time, a lot of work and professional support. We can't "fix" them by being with them, they need to do it on their own before starting any new relationships. Does that make sense?