Scarleteen

Hey Scarleteen,

I posted several days about my manual sex question. You guys clearly told me there was no risk from what I did. My period came four days after, which is a clear indication that I am NOT pregnant. What my boyfriend and I did happened on the 30th of October and my period came on the 3rd of November. It lasted a normal 6 to 7 days, and ended yesterday afternoon.

However much I try to reassure myself, I have a bad feeling of dread. I should be looking at the logic provided here, but I've been going in circles with myself. At this point, I have gotten myself into a dark place with my anxiety. I think I may have caused myself to be depressed. These past three days I've felt really weak and tired and nauseous. I've been laying around with a sense of hopelessness and unmotivation. I have this strange, empty feeling in my stomach. Most of the day, I'll eat a couple bites of something, but only a few bites, because I feel like I'll puke if I eat any more. Two days ago I told my step-mom about what I'm so scared about and she said that my behavior is really self-destructive because last time I came to her about sex I was the same kind of stressed out, except worse this time. I agree with her about that. I don't know why i put myself in this place. I'm not ready for this.

I've been so scared of pregnancy that I've even been doing research about abortion. I've been having thoughts of sitting my parents down and asking them to help me get an abortion (because I'm fifteen and don't have any money). And I'm just scared they would refuse to help me and tell me that I need to face the consequences of my decision. I shouldn't be thinking about that, but it's hard to stop.

The first thing my step-mom told me when I told her about my scare is that she isn't mad. But then she told me that there was no way she'd buy me a pregnancy test because she sees it as supporting my bad choice. Then she told me that I need to quit putting myself in these places. It felt good to talk about it temporarily, but later I just felt horrible again. After this conversation, she told me that she loves me and gave me a big hug. That felt good. But the fact that she isn't even willing to buy me a pregnancy test scares me.

Today, I'm going to try to schedule an appointment with both my therapist and my gynecologist (my very first appointment) because I know that she will give me a free pregnancy test. It feels so hard to wait around and not know. I know you guys can't diagnose any mental or anxiety disorders for me, and that's not what I'm asking, but I just want to know what I can do to move forward. What steps should I take?

Thank you,

Fender

I am sorry to hear that you are feeling so rough, Fender. But it sounds like you are already taking the right step: getting some support and outside perspective, like you did with your step mother, is a good start, and it seems that that's also been helpful for you. And of course, the very best thing you can do is to talk to a therapist, and you're saying that you are going to schedule an appointment, so you're on top of that as well.

What you are describing in terms of anxiety is outside of our scope, so we can't really add anythign beyond encouraging you to seek out professional help. I hope you get an appointment and can start to feel better soon!

Thanks, Johanna.

Yes, I really don't want to feel alone in this. I need people to be around me and know that they'd help me get out of this bad spot that I'm in. I'm about to go to school, so I hope that helps take my mind off of unnecessary anxiety.

What do you recommend about my nausea? I know it's unhealthy for me to be eating as little as I am. Does depression/anxiety cause nausea?

Can I ask if your boyfriend is still struggling as he was, and still potentially suicidal? Is he still not doing what he needs to to take care of himself?

I ask that because not only is all that likely a big par of your stress and anxiety, it also is more challenging to choose not to be sexual with someone if we feel like the clock on our time with them is seriously ticking, or like saying no to intimacy with them is something we worry will make them unhappy. Too, if being sexual with someone is the only, or one of the only, happy places we can be in with them, that also adds extra challenges.

And yep, anxiety often causes intestinal or digestive distress.

Is there any way you could temporarily increase your therapy appointments, perhaps shifting to twice a week so you can make some real headway with this, and get the extra help and support you clearly need right now?

My boyfriend is in now, at least from my point of view, in a better state than he was when I was posting before. He still has a hard time talking about his father, but he is living with his mother full time now. I know he's having a rough time, but I think he's making progress. He hasn't expressed thoughts of suicide in a long while, and I don't know if that's good or bad. I try to provide a lot of support for him.

I ended up seeing my therapist earlier this evening and she had a good talk with me. In fact, she told me the same thing you suggested, that the previous issues involving my boyfriend and his mental safety may be adding to my anxiety surrounding this. She suggested that I do see my doctor/gynecologist so I can be sure about my health, take a pregnancy test, and ease my mind. She also said that my doctor could also help me find out what my anxiety surrounding sex could be about and what options I have. (Also, a possible chance of recieving birth control as an option in this same appointment.)

I might have another appointment with her Tuesday of next week. She thinks more appointments with me would be helpful too, but the bad news is that my step-mom may be switching health insurance so that may also mean I switch therapists unless my parents choose to continue paying for my current one. I tried calling my gynecologist tonight, but I can't schedule an appointment until tomorrow.

Something my therapist suggested is speaking up about this to my dad as well. Although he may be temporarily upset to find out about what I've been doing with my boyfriend, the extra support should help my anxiety.

Also, do you know how generously doctors and/or gynecologists give pregnancy tests to their patients? Will somebody decline giving me one only because my only want/need for one is my anxiety?

One more thing, I'm spotting a bit today. A little bit red/brown discharge.

I scheduled my first appointment with my gynecologist for December 3rd. I really want to take a test to help myself feel better as soon as possible, but I don't have the money. I talked to my dad about my anxiety surrounding sex. I didn't tell him the specifics but I told him i really need him to support me and be there for me. He said if there's anything big that I make a bad decision with, he'll help me.

I'm afraid to ask my step-mom to help me by buying a pregnancy test again, because she already told me there's no way she'd do it. I know she wants to support me. I just don't know why she won't help me by making me feel better.

I'm sorry your step-mom won't help you out by buying you a pregnancy test. (I personally disagree that helping you get a test is supporting you in making a "bad choice" and if you feel like you can it might be worth talking to her about it, but I totally understand if that isn't a conversation you want to have right now.) Is there a friend you could borrow a bit of cash from for a test? What about your partner?

I feel a little better now because I have discussed my problems with both of my parents. The only thing I am currently worried about is my period. I started it on November 3rd. My heavy flow stopped on Saturday, the 8th. But I've been having brown and sometimes bright red discharge with some small brownish-red clots, lasting until today. I talked to my step-mom and she said that if it continues for much longer, we will see the doctor about it. What could this be about? My periods normally last 7 to 8 days. If I count this brown/red spotting as my period, this is the 10th day.

Periods can have seemingly random periods of spotting or of longer length, that's not uncommon. Several different factors such as amount of physical activity or changes in environment can slightly affect the duration and heaviness of your flow. If you keep spotting for a few more days, it couldn't hurt to check it out with a doctor, it'd probably help alleviate some of the anxiety you're feeling.

Thanks, Emma! Do you think stress/anxiety could cause my extra spotting?

I'm still spotting. Actually, I don't know what you would call it. It's basically discharge that is red but transparent. It's been happening since last Saturday/Sunday. I've never had spotting or any other kind of bleeding for this long.

Given that your period usually lasts 7-8 days, you still having some red discharge at 11 days doesn't sound like an extreme difference. Variations in the menstrual cycle are particularly common in the first few years of having your period; you not having had this before simply means it's the first time it's happened to you . Sometimes variations can happen for no apparent reason, but they can also be caused by lifestyle changes and stress reactions like some of the ones you've described, for example, not being able to eat or sleep properly.

To put your mind properly at rest, you can mention this to the gynaecologist when you go to see them, and make sure you're up to date with whatever care and tests they recommend for you. Overall, though, getting some red discharge for a few days longer than usual at the end of your period doesn't sound out of the ordinary or like any cause for concern.