my boyfriend doesn’t want sex

[crazycatlady]

Hey, unusual question here! I’ve been with my boyfriend for a little while now, and we still haven’t had sex. I’ve been sexually active for a while and he says he has as well, but for whatever reason we still haven’t done it. I know it’s not a libido thing because we do things other than intercourse, so I’ve gently brought it up to him a few times and somehow he’s never quite answered why we’ve never slept together. I’m worried it’s something wrong with me, though he’s assured me lots it’s not. We’re very intimate and have dropped the “L” bomb and everything, and asides from this, the relationship feels really good. I’m very confused!!

[Siân]

hi crazycatlady

I'm glad that you feel good and have a comfortable level of intimacy in your relationship.

Not everyone wants intercourse as part of their relationships, and that's ok. You say you have other kinds of sex, and it may just be that your partner feels satisfied with that or that they don't feel ready for intercourse yet. It might be worth taking a moment to ask yourself what about intercourse specifically feels important or meaningful to you, and seeing where else you get those things in your relationship. For example, if it's about intimacy, do you get that when you say you love eachother? If it's about pleasure do you get that from the other sexual things you do together? We can't cajole or rush people into wanting things, so it's down to us to decide if we're happy without. Does that make sense?

By all means, talk about this some more together, but how about framing the conversation around the things you do like to do together? That way he doesn't feel blamed or pressured. You could look at something like our Yes, No, Maybe So: A Sexual Inventory Stocklist together and see what you both feel good about doing together. This one might also help you think about how to approach a productive conversation together: Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner. What do you think?