Relationship Changing: Need support / Navigating feelings

[coolcats222]

1) A sexual partner I have had has decided to change our relationship and withdrawn consent. The reason doesn't matter (it involves meeting another individual). Surprisingly, I don't feel rejected or taken it personally. This is strange for me as I tend to take such actions very personally and a reflection of me. In the past, I thought it was b.c I was lacking something , didn't measure up, and felt jealously etc ? Now, I feel happy for this person, what they are experiencing and wish them well. Any words or comments on this seemly-positive change?

2) I will be seeing this person (after many days and likely would'nt see them again for life time (perhaps) due to diff lives/geography etc. There is a part of me that would still like to engage with this person (had have good experiences and have hope) yet want to completely respect their consent and change of her. I guess, the way to do that is just to respect their consent, mind the gap and get overly clingly etc despite the circumstances? In a way, it is a goodbye . I am giving myself time to not immediately feel like we have to be friends with them.

[coolcats222]

In otherwords, I am just simply accepting their lack of consent or interest without making it about myself or my insecurities.

[Sam W]

Hi Coolcats,

As far as the positive change in your reaction, there could be lots of different reasons for it. For instance, maybe you've grown emotionally since the last time this happened, and are in a place where it's easier to be happy for your partner finding a new person to be sexual with. Or, maybe something about the dynamics of this relationship make this change easier to accept. Or it could be something else entirely. It might be helpful for you to try a journaling exercise or something similar if you want to sit and think through some of the reasons behind this new reaction.

In terms of what to do the next time you see this person, your instinct to respect their consent and boundaries is the way to go. Does it feel like seeing this person again is going to be painful or sad for you given the change in your relationship?

[coolcats222]

Thank you for your response. I didn't actually progress my feelings very well and was surprised at how intensely I actually felt in the presence of all of reminders of the bond with the new person.


What I did well that I think helped me immensely:
-No blame or judgement on what he could have done better/etc
-No comparisons

Now, I am reading some articles on scaretleen on relationships, giving myself space and good time to move on and focus on my goals. There are so many elements to unpack in this relationship - I hope I can write about it here.

[Siân]

Hi Coolcats,

Processing feelings can take time, and have ups and downs of feeling good and happy then intense sadness or loss and that's ok. It sounds like you're doing all the right things for yourself, especially in not comparing or blaming anyone.

You are very welcome to write about it here if it helps, is there anything specific you'd like to ask or have support with?

[coolcats222]

Thank you so much for your kind help.

Some reflections:

1) The thought of being celibate is an interesting one. I would like to take a break from sexual relations involving another person - yet I am afraid what or who will be next? how long will i remain this year? how will it seem with another person? I remind myself that when another pseudo-breakup happened in the past many years ago, I thought the same until I met this person.


2) Respect someone's choice, including their choice to not be around/act a certain way towards me.
I think this person felt that I was emotionally manipulating them into doing or agreeing or behaving a certain way towards me. I think it came from my need for approval. So in the future, or even in this present moment, I no longer have a need to be approved by them. I am surrounding my self with those that are familiar and useful to me.

"3) All or Nothing Fatalistic Thinking /: "The idea that if we break up once we're shutting the door on the possibility of ever being together is fatalistic: some people take second tries at relationships months, years or even decades later, and sometimes that second time goes way better than the first because of time and space taken in between. If and when we and someone else are super-important to each other, we rarely get just one shot" - Scarleteen.

Things change, people change/move far and far away, but I think this kind of thinking that this is FINAL end etc isn't useful. It's much more peaceful to keep some level of possibility alive, knowing that we don't know how life will turn out 6 months or 6 years from now. Instead of thinking that this is iT, that the chance with this person is gone - and I will never see them again - it's much better to just think that this is the present and I am ok.


4) I also realized that emotions and feelings are a mixed bag. Even if you are completely ok with the outcome, supportive of the person meeting/developing a relationships another person - it can still feel a little odd/stinging esp as I put myself in that position too early. It hurt to see two wine glasses, sitting in the apt knowing that he was intimate with someone else there, and seeing him take calls/messages while I was around. I wasn't prepared for that sting of feeling. It's much easier to accept and let these feelings pass over us instead of analyzing or beating ourselves over it.

5) No contact with him: No contact doesn't have to come from an ugly place of rejection or rejection of a person or our times with them. I didn't block him but deleted the popular messaging app that was the crux of our communcation. It's a little unnerving, but I think it was great self care that I took the weekend to come to my hometown and reconnect with old friends/family instead of being on my own in the ultra-competitive environment of gradschool hometown. I got myself a massage and other selfcare that helped.

[coolcats222]

[quote="coolcats222"]Thank you so much for your kind help.

Some reflections:

1) The thought of being celibate is an interesting one. I would like to take a break from sexual relations involving another person - yet I am afraid what or who will be next? how long will i remain this year? how will it seem with another person? I remind myself that when another pseudo-breakup happened in the past many years ago, I thought the same until I met this person.


2) Respect someone's choice, including their choice to not be around/act a certain way towards me.
I think this person felt that I was emotionally manipulating them into doing or agreeing or behaving a certain way towards me. I think it came from my need for approval. So in the future, or even in this present moment, I no longer have a need to be approved by them. I am surrounding my self with those that are familiar and useful to me.

"3) All or Nothing Fatalistic Thinking /: "The idea that if we break up once we're shutting the door on the possibility of ever being together is fatalistic: some people take second tries at relationships months, years or even decades later, and sometimes that second time goes way better than the first because of time and space taken in between. If and when we and someone else are super-important to each other, we rarely get just one shot" - Scarleteen.

Things change, people change/move far and far away, but I think this kind of thinking that this is FINAL end etc isn't useful. It's much more peaceful to keep some level of possibility alive, knowing that we don't know how life will turn out 6 months or 6 years from now. Instead of thinking that this is iT, that the chance with this person is gone - and I will never see them again - it's much better to just think that this is the present and I am ok.


4) I also realized that emotions and feelings are a mixed bag. Even if you are completely ok with the outcome, supportive of the person meeting/developing a relationships another person - it can still feel a little odd/stinging esp as I put myself in that position too early. It hurt to see two wine glasses, sitting in the apt knowing that he was intimate with someone else there, and seeing him take calls/messages while I was around. I wasn't prepared for that sting of feeling. It's much easier to accept and let these feelings pass over us instead of analyzing or beating ourselves over it.

5) The only other major problem I have is questioning myself: What if I had gone to destination XYZ instead of seeing this person/making a better decision? This is the only thing that is holding me back and maybe creating some self-blame and regret.

[Robin]

Hi coolcats222,

This is some awesome self-awareness right here. *cheering you on*

How did it feel to do this journaling and reflecting?

You ask yourself some interesting questions: Just checking: Is there anything here that you'd like to discuss more or have someone else's feedback on?

[coolcats222]

Thanks so much. Would appreciate some words/comments on the following:

1) How to handle or deal with the celibate status? How to work out the fear of "what's next" / ie. unknown.

2 ) Recognizing that thinking what-if I did XYZ instead of decision A would have better outcomes that I could cherish. How to realize that nothing good will come out of thinking that now, that it's all done.

3) Maybe just letting it all breath a little while i focus on my life? is that wise instead of jumping into a conclusion about myself/etc? I realize that contacting this person wouldn't do anything anymore for me.

- In a gist, I had made plans to go see someone, who informed that a week before that they were seeing someone instead and our arrangement wouldn't be possible. I had exams and so forth, and due to my personal habits, I freaked out, didn't think straight, talked to others whose opinions didn't match mine, relied on this person for support but it didn't come through (short phone calls, etc) : in the end, the day came, I did go (long and expensive journey) and saw them....and while there were some nice moments, overall it sucked and hurted seeing them talking/etc with the new person even electronically. The relationship seemed more serious than I expected and the new person was referred to as G/F etc. Of course , I was tired, didn't act as well they may liked and again it wasn't a very good experience. I did something else and last few days, came back to see them again. Again, I did something and/or this person made a choice and things didn't go as well in terms of personal dynamic.

[Sam W]

Hi Coolcats,

In terms of how to deal with being single or without a sexual partner for the next little while, one of the techniques that can help is to frame it as an opportunity to devote the energy that would go into those relationships into other things that are important to or enjoyable for you. Which is why your instinct to let things breathe a little and focus on your own life is a good one. For instance, are there relationships, including your relationship with yourself, that you'd like to spend more time on? Hobbies or goals you want to work on?

As for how to accept those fears of the unknown or keep yourself from focusing too much on the "what ifs," there are a lot of different approaches people try when addressing those thought patterns, and honestly one of the biggest factors in changing them is practice and time. Sometimes those thoughts can be useful (reflecting on "what ifs" can sometimes help us figure out how we want to approach a similar situation in the future) but right now it sounds like they're mostly causing you distress. One technique is that when a "what if" or "ack, there are unknowns" thought arises, you acknowledge that it is there, but then let it go rather than focusing on it. So, that internal thought process may sound like, "yes, there are things I could have done differently/things I do not know or can't predict. But I can't go back in time/can't control every aspect of the future, and that's okay." And then you move your focus to something else. Does that make sense?

[coolcats222]

yes, that makes sense. Thank you for that "mantra"

The other question I have: I have reconnected with a past lover from many years ago(we kept in touch), and while I deeply respect them and happy to see them (to have another focus to enjoy myself ; as part of self care to get through an intense week), I also don't want to "use" them.


I am happy to see them later on, and they know that I am not into sexual things ATM (although they have known their desire clear) , I am still afraid that I could get needy (ie. wanting hugs, physical comfort but nothing more, leaving them in a less ideal position). They wouldn't say anything but I know for myself, I wouldn't feel good. So my plan i sjust to have dinner and relax/chat and enjoy that and stay away from physical things--but wondering how to balance my desire for their company/intimacy without making them uncomfortable (ie. sustained erection painful, etc)?

[Sam W]

You're quite welcome

With your former partner, I think your plan to just enjoy the evening and steer clear of physical intimacy is a sound one. I will say that, since it sounds like you and this person communicate fairly well, do you feel like you could just be pretty honest with them about your worries and work out between the two of you how to navigate them (for example, is there a level of physical comfort that would feel nice to both of you without putting either of you in a position you don't want, or is it better to steer clear of physical contact)?

[coolcats222]

Great way to explain that and it makes sense now. Now, I know what exactly I need to communicate and ask for.

[Sam W]

I'm glad it's helpful! Is there anything else you want to ask about or for support around right now?

[coolcats222]

Thanks Sam.

I'm wondering how to have the conversation about how to do something physically that will feel good to both of us? Just ask point blank (in context of a chat)-is there anything other than intercourse/oral/manual sex that might be good for you?

How do I assess my own desire for a physical connection..ie. am I doing it out of neediness, to mitigate/distract myself, or bc. I truly desire it?

I do like this person, feel comfortable in their presence, but haven't been intimate with them for over 2.5 years, don't know how it will be? It has be something new, not expecting that it will be how it was 2.5 years ago..how about just meeting and seeing how or if I feel desire?

[Jacob]

Hi coolcats,

I just want to say that 'seeing how it goes' is a great approach.

I don't think we can always disassemble our feelings to all the needs and drives that might be under them, and judge how 'true' the desire is. But we can recognize those feelings choose how we respond to those feelings and by being open to them and as you say 'seeing how it goes' that sounds like a really good approach.